Oscars: The Queer Recap

3.5.2006

By Jeffrey Epstein

We love a good Oscars commentary as much as the next bunch-o'-gays. But when some magazines and papers do their recap, they're a little less' um' fun. So we assembled a small group of folks to watch the awards and let the comments fly. Here's a sampling. Agree? Disagree? Have your own thoughts? Write a comment and tell us!

EDITOR'S NOTE: Just so ya' know, the comments expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of Out' but a lot of them do.

The Cast of Characters:
Jeffrey Epstein: Senior Editor at Out, who put together the gathering
Jonathan Weber: Jeffrey's fantastic boyfriend (you reading that, Jonathan?) and a cinephile
Calpernia Addams: Actress (Transamerica)
Andrea James: Trans-activist and filmmaker
Adam Jackman: Retired ('That's most accurate based on my last year,' the 20-something told me.)
Paula Chudd: One of Jeffrey's best friends from college; and super sassy
Rasika: A comic and writer

5 p.m.: The surprisingly cool introduction combining movie stars from the years into one montage.
Paula: OK, that was pretty cool.
Jeffrey: How can we make fun of things if they're actually good?

5:04 p.m.: Audience shot
Jonathan: Who is that Blackberry-ing?
Paula: Way to text message your friend on camera.

5:10 p.m.: Charlize Theron is shown in the audience.
Jonathan: She looks terrible.
Paula: What is that thing on her shoulder?
Jonathan: It looks like a crow.

5:16 p.m.: Nicole Kidman goes onstage to present Best Supporting Actor.
Andrea: She looks incredible in that dress, but what's going on with her eyebrows? It looks like she has two caterpillars on her forehead.

5:15 p.m.: Best Supporting Actor clips include one of Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback.
Jeffrey: Why did they show that clip with him in that horrible mustache? We want people to actually go see the movie, not be afraid of it.

5:28 p.m.: The Best Visual Effects winners ramble on.
Jeffrey: I think I liked it better when they made them just stand up and wave.
Paula: We knew it was going to be all downhill after Clooney's speech.

5:32 p.m.: Naomi Watts comes onstage to present.
Jeffrey: What is she wearing?!
Paula: I think she was attacked by a tiger backstage.
Andrea: It's like she just escaped from a tar and feathering.

5:34 p.m.: Dolly Parton sings 'Travelin' Thru' from Transamerica.
Paula: She looks kinda like RuPaul.
Andrea: Yeah, she looks more transgendered than Felicity in the movie.
Jeffrey: She could take out an eye with those heels.
Andrea: But, wow, that voice. Not bad for a woman who's 60.

5:48 p.m.: Colleen Atwood wins for her costume design for Memoirs of a Geisha.
Rasika: Too bad she can't dress herself.
Paula: It's very kimono-ish.
Andrea: I think the bow around her waist is cutting off circulation to her head.

6:12 p.m.: The 'film noir' montage.
Jeffrey: Wow, is this already the second montage of the night?
Paula: At least. Third if you count the gay cowboy montage. Fourth if you count the intro.
Adam: When did they think to themselves 'A dozen montages will make the show run shorter'?
Paula: Yeah, it's great that we have these so winners can't thank their children.

6:30 p.m.: Charlize onstage to present.
Jonathan: She looks like a monster tonight.
Paula: It's that thing on her shoulder. I think it's a pillow so she can take a nap during the show.

6:23 p.m.: J. Lo onstage to present.
Jonathan: She looks gorgeous.
Jeffrey: Amazing.
Adam: Look at her work those wings!

6:24 p.m.: The song from Crash is presented. A woman stands and sings front and center stage while a car burns in the background and people seem to be acting out scenes from the film in awkward slow motion.
Paula: Are we sure this isn't a magic act?
Andrea: I was hoping the people behind her were zombies.
Paula: No' Oh, no' It's mime!
Raskia: It's Crash, the Broadway musical!
Paula: I envision the entire set catching on fire, but she keeps singing the whole time while the place goes down in flames.
Jeffrey: Wait, they are zombies!
Jonathan: Brains! Brains! Seriously, they're going to eat her.

6:32 p.m.: Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are onstage to present Best Art Direction.
Calpernia: What's with her hair?
Andrea: It looks like a bird started to build a nest there backstage.
Calpernia: Maybe she caught a case of no-talent-itis from Keanu.

6:38 p.m.: Samuel L. Jackson is onstage.
Jeffrey: Oh, no. Are we going to get another montage?!
All: [Groans]
Adam: The Oscars this year are kind of a downer.
Calpernia: A return to the glamour of depression. I think somebody put their video iPod on 'random' to make this one.
Jeffrey: And the music is so loud you can't hear what the people are saying.
Adam: This is some seriously angry glamour.

6:42 p.m.: Salma Hayek is onstage
Andrea: She wins my vote for hottest.
Jonathan: Flawless!
Adam: It does look like one boob is crawling out.
Salma says 'Oscar winner Bill Conti but pronounces it'
All: Oscar weiner?!
Jonathan: I don't care what she said. I'm sure it was amazing.
This leads into the montage of film scores with Itzhak Perlman playing violin solos.
Paula: And we have another montage.
Andrea: What is this, number seven?!
Calpernia: I bet his violin cost more than all my plastic surgeries combined.

6:48 p.m.: Brokeback's first win! It picks up Best Original Score.
All [Cheers]

6:55 p.m.: Jake Gyllenhaal is onstage talking about epics.
Calpernia: Epics that are as big as my bowtie.
Jeffrey: That is one seriously big bowtie. Oh, no' I feel another montage coming on.
Jake talks about how important it is to go see movies in the theater.
Adam: The next montage will be called 'You shouldn't steal.'
Clips from epics begin.
Andrea: They look pretty good on TV to me.
Adam: But they would look so much better on the big screen.

7:18 p.m.: Performance of 'It's Hard Out Here for a Pimp' complete with strobe lights.
Andrea: Oh, no, my epilepsy!
Paula: How is this nominated for an Oscar?
Andrea: You know, it's hard out there for a ho too. Why don't they ever talk about that?
Adam: They originally had Robin Williams doing this, but it was too offensive.
Rasika: Somewhere out there, Bill Cosby is ready to kill himself.
The song ends.
Adam: Please cut to Judi Dench!

7:23 p.m.: Queen Latifah is onstage to present Best Song.
Andrea: C'mon, Dolly, bring it home!
'Pimp' wins.
All: Noooooo!
Paula: I'm moving to Berlin.
Adam: You know the Academy members in the back are going, 'We voted for this?!'

7:26 p.m.: Jennifer Garner walks out to present and slips.
All: Woah! Rewind! Rewind!
Through the glory of TiVo, we go back and relive the moment in slow motion. Four times.
Jonathan: Look at her. She's walking. She's confident.
Adam: And then'
All: Ohhhhh!
Calpernia: Thank you, TiVo!
Paula: I bet she smells like flowers.

7:30 p.m.: George Clooney onstage to present the montage of dead people.
Paula: Another montage! This one is so you can win that 'dead or alive' game later this year.
Notably, the recently deceased Don Knotts didn't make it in, and Anne Bancroft elicited the biggest 'Awwws' from the room.

7:43 p.m.: Hilary Swank is onstage to present Best Actor, and David Spiro, a writer, arrives at Chez Jeffrey. Late. But he immediately gets down to quipping.
David: It's Capote. Why are they even going through this?
Joaquin mouths something to the camera when his name is called.
Jeffrey: What did he say? 'I love you''
Adam: Satan. He said, 'I love you, Satan.'
Philip Seymour Hoffman wins.
David: Of course.
Andrea: Did you notice he kissed, like, four women before going onstage.
Adam: And I'd like to thank my wife because I'm really not gay!
Andrea: And now I'm going backstage to bang Hilary Swank!

7:50 p.m.: Commercials.
Adam: Does it seem like the women in the commercials are more glamorous than the ones at the awards?
Andrea: And most of those gowns are from J.C. Penney.

8:07 p.m.: Dustin Hoffman onstage to present Best Adapted Screenplay. There are movie posters flipping through frames on either side of him.
Jonathan: What's with the mall posters?
David: They're going for a movie theater look.
Jonathan: They're getting a Beverly Center look.
Jeffrey: It's the Academy Awards, live from the Beverly Center. Brokeback had better win.
Jonathan: It will.
It does.
All: [Cheers]
David: And if you read the screenplay, you will understand all those lines that Heath was mumbling.
Cut to Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger in the audience.
David: Michelle has both hands in Heath's lap. What is she doing to him?!

8:12 p.m.: Crash wins for Best Original Screenplay.
Jeffrey: There's always a big upset. And I'm afraid it's going to be Crash. Or it could all go as planned, making this the most predictable Oscars ever.

8:18 p.m.: Tom Hanks presents Best Director to Ang Lee. Brokeback's third win!
David: I don't think there was a question. They really wanted to give it to him for Hulk.

8:20 p.m.: Jack Nicholson onstage to present Best Picture.
Calpernia: Lord, Nicholson will just show up anywhere.
Cut to audience shot with Screenplay winner Diana Ossana holding a cocktail.
David: She really needed a drink.
Nicholson pronounces Capote, cah-poe-tay.
Paula: It's the French pronunciation.

8:21 p.m.: Crash wins.
Stunned silence.
Jeffrey: Well, there's the upset.
Adam: That sucks.
David: They had the most aggressive campaign. I had five DVDs sent to me!

Final thoughts.
Andrea: It was a combination of lam' and lame.
Adam: Oscar doesn't care about gay people.
Jonathan: I think Charlize had a couple extra Brokeback ballots stuffed into that potato sack bow.
Paula: Well, even though Brokeback didn't win Best Picture, I had a conversation today with my mother because the movie is playing in her teeny, tiny town in Wisconsin. That's astonishing. So it's not all bad.
Rasika: The best thing about the night were the mini quiches you served.
David: Dolly needs a sandwich. Oh, and presenting at the Oscars doesn't make you a movie star.
Calpernia: Reese and Dolly are just the beginning of the Nashville invasion. Next year, it's all Calpernia!
Adam: I have to go home and re-edit the entire show so that Brokeback wins.
Jeffrey: I don't think I have ever been so disappointed in an Oscars ever. But Jon Stewart rocked.
Adam: I haven't been this devastated since the 2004 election.

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