Oscars: The Queer Recap
By Jeffrey Epstein
We love a good Oscars commentary as much as the next bunch-o�-gays. But when some magazines and papers do their recap, they�re a little less� um� fun. So we assembled a small group of folks to watch the awards and let the comments fly. Here�s a sampling. Agree? Disagree? Have your own thoughts? Write a comment and tell us!
EDITOR�S NOTE: Just so ya� know, the comments expressed here do not necessarily reflect the views of Out� but a lot of them do.
The Cast of Characters:
Jeffrey Epstein: Senior Editor at Out, who put together the gathering
Jonathan Weber: Jeffrey�s fantastic boyfriend (you reading that, Jonathan?) and a cinephile
Calpernia Addams: Actress (Transamerica)
Andrea James: Trans-activist and filmmaker
Adam Jackman: Retired (�That�s most accurate based on my last year,� the 20-something told me.)
Paula Chudd: One of Jeffrey�s best friends from college; and super sassy
Rasika: A comic and writer
5 p.m.: The surprisingly cool introduction combining movie stars from the years into one montage.
Paula: OK, that was pretty cool.
Jeffrey: How can we make fun of things if they�re actually good?
5:04 p.m.: Audience shot
Jonathan: Who is that Blackberry-ing?
Paula: Way to text message your friend on camera.
5:10 p.m.: Charlize Theron is shown in the audience.
Jonathan: She looks terrible.
Paula: What is that thing on her shoulder?
Jonathan: It looks like a crow.
5:16 p.m.: Nicole Kidman goes onstage to present Best Supporting Actor.
Andrea: She looks incredible in that dress, but what�s going on with her eyebrows? It looks like she has two caterpillars on her forehead.
5:15 p.m.: Best Supporting Actor clips include one of Jake Gyllenhaal from Brokeback.
Jeffrey: Why did they show that clip with him in that horrible mustache? We want people to actually go see the movie, not be afraid of it.
5:28 p.m.: The Best Visual Effects winners ramble on.
Jeffrey: I think I liked it better when they made them just stand up and wave.
Paula: We knew it was going to be all downhill after Clooney�s speech.
5:32 p.m.: Naomi Watts comes onstage to present.
Jeffrey: What is she wearing?!
Paula: I think she was attacked by a tiger backstage.
Andrea: It�s like she just escaped from a tar and feathering.
5:34 p.m.: Dolly Parton sings �Travelin� Thru� from Transamerica.
Paula: She looks kinda like RuPaul.
Andrea: Yeah, she looks more transgendered than Felicity in the movie.
Jeffrey: She could take out an eye with those heels.
Andrea: But, wow, that voice. Not bad for a woman who�s 60.
5:48 p.m.: Colleen Atwood wins for her costume design for Memoirs of a Geisha.
Rasika: Too bad she can�t dress herself.
Paula: It�s very kimono-ish.
Andrea: I think the bow around her waist is cutting off circulation to her head.
6:12 p.m.: The �film noir� montage.
Jeffrey: Wow, is this already the second montage of the night?
Paula: At least. Third if you count the gay cowboy montage. Fourth if you count the intro.
Adam: When did they think to themselves �A dozen montages will make the show run shorter�?
Paula: Yeah, it�s great that we have these so winners can�t thank their children.
6:30 p.m.: Charlize onstage to present.
Jonathan: She looks like a monster tonight.
Paula: It�s that thing on her shoulder. I think it�s a pillow so she can take a nap during the show.
6:23 p.m.: J. Lo onstage to present.
Jonathan: She looks gorgeous.
Adam: Look at her work those wings!
6:24 p.m.: The song from Crash is presented. A woman stands and sings front and center stage while a car burns in the background and people seem to be acting out scenes from the film in awkward slow motion.
Paula: Are we sure this isn�t a magic act?
Andrea: I was hoping the people behind her were zombies.
Paula: No� Oh, no� It�s mime!
Raskia: It�s Crash, the Broadway musical!
Paula: I envision the entire set catching on fire, but she keeps singing the whole time while the place goes down in flames.
Jeffrey: Wait, they are zombies!
Jonathan: Brains! Brains! Seriously, they�re going to eat her.
6:32 p.m.: Sandra Bullock and Keanu Reeves are onstage to present Best Art Direction.
Calpernia: What�s with her hair?
Andrea: It looks like a bird started to build a nest there backstage.
Calpernia: Maybe she caught a case of no-talent-itis from Keanu.
6:38 p.m.: Samuel L. Jackson is onstage.
Jeffrey: Oh, no. Are we going to get another montage?!
Adam: The Oscars this year are kind of a downer.
Calpernia: A return to the glamour of depression. I think somebody put their video iPod on �random� to make this one.
Jeffrey: And the music is so loud you can�t hear what the people are saying.
Adam: This is some seriously angry glamour.
6:42 p.m.: Salma Hayek is onstage
Andrea: She wins my vote for hottest.
Adam: It does look like one boob is crawling out.
Salma says �Oscar winner Bill Conti but pronounces it�
All: Oscar weiner?!
Jonathan: I don�t care what she said. I�m sure it was amazing.
This leads into the montage of film scores with Itzhak Perlman playing violin solos.
Paula: And we have another montage.
Andrea: What is this, number seven?!
Calpernia: I bet his violin cost more than all my plastic surgeries combined.
6:48 p.m.: Brokeback�s first win! It picks up Best Original Score.
6:55 p.m.: Jake Gyllenhaal is onstage talking about epics.
Calpernia: Epics that are as big as my bowtie.
Jeffrey: That is one seriously big bowtie. Oh, no� I feel another montage coming on.
Jake talks about how important it is to go see movies in the theater.
Adam: The next montage will be called �You shouldn�t steal.�
Clips from epics begin.
Andrea: They look pretty good on TV to me.
Adam: But they would look so much better on the big screen.
7:18 p.m.: Performance of �It�s Hard Out Here for a Pimp� complete with strobe lights.
Andrea: Oh, no, my epilepsy!
Paula: How is this nominated for an Oscar?
Andrea: You know, it�s hard out there for a ho too. Why don�t they ever talk about that?
Adam: They originally had Robin Williams doing this, but it was too offensive.
Rasika: Somewhere out there, Bill Cosby is ready to kill himself.
The song ends.
Adam: Please cut to Judi Dench!
7:23 p.m.: Queen Latifah is onstage to present Best Song.
Andrea: C�mon, Dolly, bring it home!
Paula: I�m moving to Berlin.
Adam: You know the Academy members in the back are going, �We voted for this?!�
7:26 p.m.: Jennifer Garner walks out to present and slips.
All: Woah! Rewind! Rewind!
Through the glory of TiVo, we go back and relive the moment in slow motion. Four times.
Jonathan: Look at her. She�s walking. She�s confident.
Adam: And then�
Calpernia: Thank you, TiVo!
Paula: I bet she smells like flowers.
7:30 p.m.: George Clooney onstage to present the montage of dead people.
Paula: Another montage! This one is so you can win that �dead or alive� game later this year.
Notably, the recently deceased Don Knotts didn�t make it in, and Anne Bancroft elicited the biggest �Awwws� from the room.
7:43 p.m.: Hilary Swank is onstage to present Best Actor, and David Spiro, a writer, arrives at Chez Jeffrey. Late. But he immediately gets down to quipping.
David: It�s Capote. Why are they even going through this?
Joaquin mouths something to the camera when his name is called.
Jeffrey: What did he say? �I love you��
Adam: Satan. He said, �I love you, Satan.�
Philip Seymour Hoffman wins.
David: Of course.
Andrea: Did you notice he kissed, like, four women before going onstage.
Adam: And I�d like to thank my wife because I�m really not gay!
Andrea: And now I�m going backstage to bang Hilary Swank!
7:50 p.m.: Commercials.
Adam: Does it seem like the women in the commercials are more glamorous than the ones at the awards?
Andrea: And most of those gowns are from J.C. Penney.
8:07 p.m.: Dustin Hoffman onstage to present Best Adapted Screenplay. There are movie posters flipping through frames on either side of him.
Jonathan: What�s with the mall posters?
David: They�re going for a movie theater look.
Jonathan: They�re getting a Beverly Center look.
Jeffrey: It�s the Academy Awards, live from the Beverly Center. Brokeback had better win.
Jonathan: It will.
David: And if you read the screenplay, you will understand all those lines that Heath was mumbling.
Cut to Michelle Williams and Heath Ledger in the audience.
David: Michelle has both hands in Heath�s lap. What is she doing to him?!
8:12 p.m.: Crash wins for Best Original Screenplay.
Jeffrey: There�s always a big upset. And I�m afraid it�s going to be Crash. Or it could all go as planned, making this the most predictable Oscars ever.
8:18 p.m.: Tom Hanks presents Best Director to Ang Lee. Brokeback�s third win!
David: I don�t think there was a question. They really wanted to give it to him for Hulk.
8:20 p.m.: Jack Nicholson onstage to present Best Picture.
Calpernia: Lord, Nicholson will just show up anywhere.
Cut to audience shot with Screenplay winner Diana Ossana holding a cocktail.
David: She really needed a drink.
Nicholson pronounces Capote, cah-poe-tay.
Paula: It�s the French pronunciation.
8:21 p.m.: Crash wins.
Jeffrey: Well, there�s the upset.
Adam: That sucks.
David: They had the most aggressive campaign. I had five DVDs sent to me!
Andrea: It was a combination of lam� and lame.
Adam: Oscar doesn't care about gay people.
Jonathan: I think Charlize had a couple extra Brokeback ballots stuffed into that potato sack bow.
Paula: Well, even though Brokeback didn�t win Best Picture, I had a conversation today with my mother because the movie is playing in her teeny, tiny town in Wisconsin. That�s astonishing. So it�s not all bad.
Rasika: The best thing about the night were the mini quiches you served.
David: Dolly needs a sandwich. Oh, and presenting at the Oscars doesn�t make you a movie star.
Calpernia: Reese and Dolly are just the beginning of the Nashville invasion. Next year, it�s all Calpernia!
Adam: I have to go home and re-edit the entire show so that Brokeback wins.
Jeffrey: I don�t think I have ever been so disappointed in an Oscars ever. But Jon Stewart rocked.
Adam: I haven�t been this devastated since the 2004 election.
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