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Lorde Best Friend Cover Letter

Photography: Brendan Walter

I’m writing this letter to express my interest in the position of "motherfucker." 

Dear Lorde,

On Tuesday, July 25, 2017, you tweeted, "you're the only motherfucker in this city that can handle me," and I'm writing this letter to express my interest in the position of "motherfucker."

My name is Greg Mania and I fervently believe that I am the ideal candidate for this position. I can be your motherfucker.

I possess a myriad of strengths that I think will guarantee my success in this position, some of which include: being a good listener, effortlessly amalgamating haute couture with zany sportswear, and once, I wrote a haiku about a strip mall. As you can see, we have the potential to get along swimmingly.

In addition to the aforementioned strengths, I also believe my list of optimal things to do while hanging out will strongly corroborate my conjecture that I am the best fit for this position. They include:

  • Watching the sun set through a veil on top of a highway overpass.

  • Hissing at popular teens.

  • Scrapbooking locks of hair from my crushes.

  • Disassociating at parties.

  • Updating the moon's Wikipedia entry.

  • Spray-painting the word "NOSTALGIA" in black in a field nearby a power plant.

  • Taking selfies open-mouth smiling to showcase my red wine teeth by a creek.

  • Dipping my hair in blood and whipping it back and forth at an Ann Taylor Loft.

  • Deeply sighing in the back seat of an old Volkswagen.

  • Screaming in general.

You will find me to be a valuable asset to your friend group, specifically, your best friend, and even more specifically, your motherfucker. I have no doubt we share a bountiful amount of mutual interests; I mean, I'm literally making a friendship bracelet for my spirit guide as I write this. I feel confident when say that I don't think anyone qualifies to be your best friend more than me.

I hope that my strengths and passions spark an interest in fostering a lifelong friendship with me or at least warrant an invite to join your coven. It would be my honor to be in your company no matter the capacity, but nothing would make me happier than parking outside my crush's house with you and peering into his bedroom window with a pair of opera binoculars while we listen to the outro from "The Louvre" on repeat.

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I'm available immediately and look forward to hearing back from you. You can reach me via email or by whispering my name into a black crystal pendant necklace.


Greg Mania

30 Years of Out100Out / Advocate Magazine - Jonathan Groff and Wayne Brady

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