Yesterday morning, The Cut released a perspective piece titled "All Coffee Should Be Hot." Needless to say, the offensive article was homophobic and a clear attack on the gay community.
The piece's author, Katie Heaney, states that she's glad summer (and the accompanying oppressive heat) is finally over, because she will no longer feel peer-pressured to drink iced coffee.
The only time she remembers having a good iced coffee was when she was high on Xanax at Penn Station before a long train trip. (Girl, we've all been there.) But then, she had the audacity to claim that the only reason she liked the iced coffee was because she was "tricked by Xanax."
"Under any other circumstances," the author continued, "iced coffee is an anemic abomination, watered down past the point of drinkability in mere minutes."
Iced coffee is far superior, and more importantly, it's far gayer. In fact it is gay culture. Just ask Gay Twitter.
\u201cGays walking late into work again because they had to get iced coffee \u2728\u201d
Why, you may be thinking, have the gays clung to their iced coffee?
For one, gays are always on the go. We're running to our high-powered corporate job in fashion, or we're late to a drag performance because there's never in the history of mankind been a queen who's on time to a gig. We need a caffeinated drink that won't spill scorching hot liquid on us as we're chasing down a train.
Second, have you tasted ice coffee? Have you explored the dozens of sweet, delectable syrups you can add to it? The variations of iced coffees are endless. ENDLESS, I say. There is something for every type of gay out there from the skinniest twink to the muscle daddy power bottom.
As for the ice melting, diluting the drink? First off, Katie, if I can call you by your first name, you are not a coffee purist. You claim to put milk in your coffee and like it "slightly sweetened." Thus, you too, are diluting your coffee. Besides, with how quickly we slurp up our iced coffee, we always finish it before the ice can even think about melting. See back to point one: We got important shit to do.
Once we gulp down our first iced coffee of the morning, we get a second one, followed by a third. I may not be able to pay rent at the end of this month because I spent $185 on iced coffees, but that's gay culture. It's not only the decision I've made for myself; I know, unequivocally, it is the right decision for everyone.
So Katie, while you can attempt to shame us, the gays, for our iced coffee consumption, your metaphorical attempt to pry our year-round iced coffee from our cold, dead, and fabulously gay hands are in vain.