Over the weekend, Justin Bieber released a 3-minute, 35-second perfume ad that was at least 3 minutes and 34 seconds too long. The Werner Herzog-inspired short film left us with a lot of questions and not nearly enough answers.
1-3) What is the key? His penis? Or something to my heart? (I hope not the latter.)
4) If the Key is his dick why not call it "Cock by Justin Bieber for the Bieber Cock Collection"?
5-6) Also, why is Bieber selling perfume and not cologne? Are men not interested in Bieber's penis?
What does Bieber's penis smell like? Eww.
7) Who exactly fantasizes about Justin Bieber? (Aside from thousands of 14-year-old teenage girls.)
8) And if you fantasized about Bieber, wouldn't it be more X-rated than eating macaroons in a hotel room?
9) Wait --is Bieber 18? Wikipedia says yes.
10) Also, is anyone else concerned about the fact that Bieber keeps appearing in women's dreams?
11-12) Is Bieber the Freddy Krueger of teen pop royalty? If so, does that make Taylor Swift Carrie?
13) Could you imagine Swift drenched in a bucket of pig's blood? (Never mind, I fear for my life if that ever happens.)
14) Who is getting Justin Bieber The Key for Christmas? It's available at Macy's for $60(!).
15) But, in all honesty, why?