The Gayest Halloween Costumes
By Mikey Rox
As holidays go, Halloween is undoubtedly the gayest. It’s the one time of year where homos can pretend they’re hetero, straight boys step out in short skirts, and grown-ass women turn every respectable profession they can think of into slutty versions of their former selves.
Of course you can head to your local costume shop and pick up a played-out, plastic-wrapped outfit, but we know you better than that. That’s why we’ve compiled this comprehensive list of the most topical, haute, and hilarious gay-friendly Halloween costumes of 2012. From dude-lovin’ superheroes to one of hip-hop’s groundbreaking gaybies, this year’s hottest TV shows, news stories, and pop-culture juggernauts are now the must-wear, one-night disguises of the season. Oh yes, the holiday spirit is here—and it's totally queer.
1. The X-Men’s Northstar
Originally a member of Alpha Flight, a fictional team of Canadian superhumans in the Marvel Comics universe, Northstar is now an openly gay member of the X-Men — and, one can hope, the XXX-Men after dark. His powers include reaching near light speeds on land and in air, creating cyclones by spinning in circles, and running up walls and water. He also possesses extraordinary stamina, endurance, and reflexes — if only to satisfy the sexual fantasies of fey fanboy’s everywhere. Costume essentials include: a skin-tight black body suit, white mid-calf boots from TV Store Online, elbow-length white gloves, and a silver-streaked black wig with save-the-world bangs. Turn your Northstar getup into a couple’s affair by dressing your boy toy as Kyle Jinadu, the sports-events manager the hero wed in the One Million Moms-protested issue of Astonishing X-Men (#51) this past June.
2. Bible-Toting Chick-fil-A Employee
Chick-fil-A president and COO Dan Cathy may want the world to Shun Mor Gayz, but you can send a message of pure love by celebrating All Hallow’s Eve as one of the hatemonger’s deep-fried minions. The standard uniform for the fast-food chain includes black trousers, a black polo or buttondown, branded nametag, and baseball-style cap—most of which you can find on eBay. To complete the outfit, carry a paper sack from the restaurant in one hand (pretend like you already bought a meal and ask for an extra bag at the counter) and the official employee handbook – a.k.a. the Bible – in the other. Bonus points for convincing two of your pals to dress as waffle-cut conservative clowns and Chick-fil-A cheerleaders Mr. and Mrs. Sarah Palin. Misery needs company.
3. Andrew Christian Freshman Carwash Model
There was no shortage of scantily clad Andrew Christian models strutting their stuff in the skivvy guru’s marketing videos this summer, but “Freshman Car Wash” — the soaking-wet short film that started it all — went viral soon after its release, racking up nearly two million views. To pull off this uninhibited look, you’ll need a pair of Andrew Christian Air Sculpt briefs, a bucket and sponge, rippling muscles, and an ego bigger than Quinn Jaxon’s hocus-please-pocus.
4. True Blood’s Lafayette
The fictional, supernatural-sieged town of Bon Temps, La., wouldn’t be the same without flamboyant medium Lafayette Reynolds slinging burgers served with a side of southern-style sass.
When the short-order cook isn’t doling out just desserts to ignorant townies or channeling the recently deceased, he’s contemplating his next faboosh ensemble, which is usually comprised of a brightly colored headscarf, low-cut blouse (Forever 21?), skin-tight jeans, thugalicious bling, greasy apron, and more eye makeup than Tammy Faye Baker.
A couple vampire bite marks painted on your neck and the costume is instantly more authentic. As the oft-in-peril augur himself would say: Go ahead on witcha badass.
5. Fifty Shades of Gay
All the chatter about E.L. James’ erotic fantasy series 50 Shades of Grey bored us this summer (are the straight ladies not getting enouh sex?), but that's why it’s the perfect time to give the author’s sadomasochist protagonist, Christian Grey, a gay twist and take his freak to the streets. The basics include a fine grey suit, white collared shirt, black tie, and tussled hair. Christian’s boudoir slave, Anastasia Steele, mentions his flawless white teeth in the book, so it wouldn’t hurt to bleach your grill to better play the part. The same-sex-loving version of Mr. Grey would round it out in gleaming Marc Jacobs wingtips, a striking silver timepiece by Michael Kors, and a pretty-in-pink ball gag that you can treat your trick to after last call.
6. Virginal Virgin America Flight Attendant
Not all male flight attendants play on our team, of course, but the odds are in our favor that most of Virgin America’s well-traveled Y-chromed fleet are high-flying friends of Dorothy. Live TV at 35,000 feet, in-flight movies on demand, Wi-Fi, digital food and drinks menus, automated shopping, and cabins designed to resemble a swanky nightclub are clearly the work of a gay genius — and as the old adage goes, when you build it, they will come. To deck yourself out as one of Richard Branson’s polished skycaps you’ll need to hunt down the runway-worthy VA uniform consisting of a charcoal grey, short-sleeved shirt; black flat-front slacks; black soft-shell jacket; and glossy black shoes. Lucky for you, Banana Republic designed the garb, so if you don’t already have the pieces in your closet, a quick trip to the mall should yield what you need. Accessorize with a small piece of luggage, a pocketful of airplane bottles, and your well-worn Mile-High Club card. And a neckerchief!
7. British Olympic Diver (a la Tom Daley)
As much as we were rooting for the American divers to bring home the gold from this year’s Olympic Games, we were equally pulling for barely legal British cutie-patootie and potential team player Tom Daley every time he took his place on the board. Individually, Daley left London with only a bronze medal (an incredible accomplishment in itself, mind you), but he made a major splash with viewers worldwide – especially the ones who roll in your band of bedroom buddies. You only need one piece of apparel for this skimpy costume – a Team GBR Speedo (and a swimmer’s body to match, of course) – but you’ll pay a pretty penny for it on eBay; the current price is $395. To cut costs, grab a Union Jack-inspired swimsuit from Boys Get Wet and fashion a homemade Olympic medal from a festive ribbon and foil-covered cardboard.
8. American Horror Story’s Rubber Man
There was a lot to love about the freshman installment of American Horror Story from out-and-proud series creator Ryan Murphy (Glee, The New Normal). From Jessica Lange’s frightening-but-fabulous Constance to Dylan McDermott’s bounce-a-quarter-off-it bare ass to Zachary Quinto’s S&M storyline, the first season of the surprise anthology provided just the right amount of WTF supernatural antics. The top prize for most dress-up worthy character from the FX network’s ratings darling, however, has to go to Rubber Man, the black latex fetish suit adequately brought to (after)life by the understatedly sexy Evan Peters. Pulling off this devilishly erotic look couldn’t be easier, either: Just visit the FX Shop online to scoop up the complete skin-tight ensemble for less than $70.
9. Frank Ocean
Both the hip-hop and LGBT communities were stunned last July when reports popped up that Frank Ocean, then a little-known rapper, came out in a blog post on his Tumblr discussing an unrequited love he shared with another man. Haters, many of whom had never heard of Ocean before, immediately cried foul and claimed the timing of such news was suspect – the artist’s debut studio album, Channel Orange, dropped a week later – but the admission was largely acknowledged with positivity and praise from fans, friends, and fellow famous folk like Russell Simmons and Jay-Z. To pay homage to the wave-making Ocean this Oct. 31, top a graphic tee with an unbuttoned cardigan, wear a funky-fresh sweatband around your head, and rock dark denim paired with streetwise sneakers. Now if anyone gives you lip, you can kick their ass in style.
10. Wil from Big Brother 14
From the moment openly gay marketing consultant-turned-Big Brother 14 HouseGuest Wil Heuser sashayed onto the sequestered CBS set this summer, his days were numbered. When Wil’s larger-than-life personality wasn’t sucking all the air out of a room, his overly sensitive, often arrogant attitude was offending the other players – which is why it was no surprise when he was sent packing on Day 41 of the reality competition. To build your version of a Bizarro Wil, visit your local thrift shop to scoop up a sheer top, velvet shorts, a pair of combat or cowboy boots, and a metallic wrist cuff. For the pièce de résistance, don a shoulder-length dirty-blonde wig with braided bangs then give yourself three snaps in a Z formation.
Mikey Rox lives in New York City with his husband and their two dogs. Follow Mikey on Twitter @mikeyrox.
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