American Idol: How to Replace Simon Cowell
By Noah Michelson
*Clear confusion and aural panic on VB’s part when a female comes in with some actual belly hanging out from underneath a belly shirt. Your fat is hurting Posh’s ears.
*Randy’s new thing: “One hundred million thousand dozen meow hundred percent YES!” And he says it every time he wants to send someone to Hollywood. That’s not going to get old quickly. Not at all.
Atlanta, with Mary J. Blige:
*Actual good singers named Tisha and Jermaine. We may never see them again, but they were good. Also, that hick girl with the jacked up teeth. I like hillbillies who yelp. She got a whole “Look everybody! It’s Kelli Pickler Jr!” clip package so we’ll be learning more about her soon enough. With any luck she’ll have heard of words like “salmon” and “car” before people ask her to speak in public.
*Mary J.’s pokerface dissolving as the auditions go on, giving way to laughter, then anger as she tells one guy to stop “exalting” himself. The same guy spits, “I WISH PAULA WERE HERE!” Me too.
* “Pants on The Ground.” Just Google it. There are already dance remixes floating all over the Internet.
-- DAVE WHITE