American Idol: Terrible Finale Song Round-Up

5.20.2009

By Noah Michelson

In case you’ve forgotten, here are the songs:

1.    Kelly Clarkson – “A Moment Like This” It’s about how she can’t believe it’s happening to her and how she would like to make this dream last forever.
2.    Ruben Studdard – “Flying Without Wings” It’s about how he cherishes friendship, children, waking up with whoever it is he’s singing to and fighting for his dreams.
3.    Fantasia Barrino – “I Believe” It’s about how she overcomes obstacles with her belief and dreamed a hundred thousand dreams. She was like 20 when she won. If you do the math that’s more than 13 dreams a day. She wins at dreams. Suck it, other Idol winners.
4.    Carrie Underwood – “Inside Your Heaven” It’s about how blessed she is and how all her dreams are in your eyes, which means she has 11 fewer dreams than the clearly superior in all ways Fantasia.
5.    Taylor Hicks – “Do I Make You Proud” It’s about how he stands tall with gratitude and how he dreams about “this,” whatever “this” is.
6.    Jordin Sparks – “This is My Now.” It’s about how courageous and doubt-free she is about her dreams.
7.    David Cook – “Time of My Life” It’s about how he’s not going to be a face in the crowd anymore because he’s done waiting for his dreams. He’s even going to stare down the sun if he has to.

Anyway, this year’s barf-attack, “No Boundaries,” may be the worst of the eight seasons. And that’s saying something if you go back and listen to all of “This is My Now.” If I never hear Adam Lambert sing lyrics concerning the climbing of mountains again it will be too soon. I kind of hope he loses now so that he doesn’t have to put it on his debut album. He’s a “the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had” kind of guy, you know? And the guy wears shoes made from cobras. He climbs the staircase at Barney’s, not mountains.

I expected way more from the woman (Dioguardi) who wrote “Spinning Around” for Kylie. And the woman (Dennis) who wrote “Can’t Get You Out of My Head” for Kylie. For all we know it was written for Kylie and she refused it. And then her sister Dannii said no. And then Geri Halliwell said no. And then Ultra Nate said no. And then Gina G said no. That’s the trickle-down effect. Some unlucky bastard who wins a talent show gets stuck with it.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > There's something about Adam Lambert

Tags: Popnography
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