Jillz-in' it up with Heineken
By Noah Michelson
Oh come on! Four hot shirtless muscly boys sweating away in the sun, picking apples, diving in a pond and giggling, while their tipple of choice -- a tray of bottled cider cocktails -- explodes in a jizz shot worthy of a Bel Ami classic, and this is supposed to be aimed at straight women? Yeah right … But then it is a Dutch-made TV ad and in Europe everyone’s gay anyway.
Oh, and the music, the music… the goddamned music! It’s a cross between Milli Vanilli and ’N Sync -- and sneaks into your head when you’re watching the frothy cider shot and stays there all day, like a sugary repetitive parasite. You’ll hum it, you’ll sing it, you’ll wonder who made it. You may even download it and hate yourself forever. “Loveleee laaaaydeeez” you will croon over and over in the elevator until someone punches you in the head, “preteeeeee as can be!”
Agency Pink and Poodle (of course) are responsible, and the client -- beer giant Heineken -- either totally get it or there will some day soon be a rather awkward boardroom moment with a bunch of silver-haired suits sitting around watching the video. When it ends there will be a long awkward silence until someone coughs and says “homoseksueel?” and then a longer silence until someone either jumps out the window or comes out the closet.
Oh, and the drink’s name? Jillz. No, really. Jillz. Ah, those those funny crazy gay Dutch…
The best part? The ad can’t be shown in Britain, because it’s against the law. No, having four gay hunks frolicking like kittens in a basket just won't fly because the Brits need to be defended against ads that make a link between alcohol and sexual attractiveness. Ah, those loony, uptight gay Brits.