1) Fag hag and fruit fly are perfectly acceptable terms. Especially for Katie Holmes.
2) A word gay men use that drives me nuts: retail.
3) Here's a gay obsession I'll never understand: fisting. Do you know how hard it is to clean shit off a charm bracelet?
4) One thing I love that you'll never understand? A second date.
5) I never fall in love with my gay pals because I only befriend ugly queens.
6) Gay men aren't always on the mark about fashion. Never again will I attend an Iranian cocktail party wearing a fishnet burkha.
7) Don't abandon me for a hookup. If you do, I will text message your trick and say, 'Don't fuck my friend. He's got herpes.'
8) Don't think I won't cock-block you. I get in between more gay men than Astroglide.
9) Honesty is like Botox. There's no such thing as too much.
10) If you're going to wear ass-less chaps, then shave your ass. How many more times do I have to say this to the lesbian community?
Rivers's new autobiographical play, Joan Rivers: A Work in Progress by a Life in Progress, premieres at Los Angeles's Geffen Playhouse in February.