Listen, sis. We’ve all been there: you’re seeing this guy and he just has you acting out of the ordinary. He doesn’t treat you right, he doesn’t know your worth. You find yourself questioning why you’re even sticking around this dude in the first place!
That kind of relationship, the one between a fuckboy and his devotee, was on full display Wednesday when Michael Cohen, Trump’s former lawyer, spoke to members of the House Oversight Committee and went full scorched earth on the president, including Trump’s lies and business dealings. But a close listen to Cohen’s testimony reveals quite a few helpful pointers on how you can avoid a fuckboy — or “fuccboi,” as I like to spell it — in your own life!
So, grab some wine and play Destiny’s Child’s song “Girl” and let’s dive right in.
Trump’s racism became a theme throughout the Congressional hearing. And when it came to the question of whether or not Trump is a racist — (sidenote: he is) — Cohen did not mince words, admitting that he heard the president demean Black people on multiple occasions.
“Trump once asked me if I could name a country run by a Black person that wasn’t a shithole,” Cohen said. “This was when Barack Obama was president of the United States.”
A pro tip: if the dude you’re dealing with drops casually racist shit, get out! Quickly! As fast as you can!
Most people want a certain level of maturity in say, their president or their insignificant other. During his testimony, Cohen noted that he doubted Trump would give up the reins to the country easily if he were, you know, democratically elected out of office.
“Given my experience working for Mr. Trump, I fear that if he loses the election in 2020, there will never be a peaceful transition of power,” he said. The lack of emotional maturity is … far too much.
Not only does it sound immature, the whole thing reeks of toxic masculinity. The guy you’re dealing with may not be the results of the U.S. election, but if you see the toxic masculinity coming, time to reevaluate why you’re with him.
When you’re dating a fuckboy, you will be compelled to do things for him that you won’t normally do. It’s because you’re enamored.
But, turning a blind eye when he can’t produce receipts is a big no-no. During his testimony, Cohen made reference to Trump’s supposed bone spurs, which helped him evade military service during the Vietnam War. Cohen said that he asked Trump for medical records to deal with the negative press around the incident, but that Trump couldn’t produce one and told Cohen not to answer questions about it.
“He finished the conversation with the following comment: ‘You think I’m stupid, I wasn’t going to Vietnam.”
He wants you to do his laundry? Pick up his dry cleaning? Pay off a sex worker? I mean, sure a few times here or there is nice. But there should be a limit to how much you’re willing to do for a fuckboy.
Not only did Cohen cover up for old lies, he helped Trump produce new ones, like when he admitted that he helped Trump rig a few online polls in his favor.
Next time, tell him, “Rig your own polls!” Or, you know, whatever your relationship equivalent of that is.
We’ve all acted out of the ordinary — or could act out of the ordinary — for the right fuckboy. But if you do end up being BooBoo the Fool, admit it, like Cohen did yesterday.
When Rep. James Comer (R-Kentucky) asked Cohen what he’d call himself if he calls Trump a cheat, he responded, “A fool.”
Once a fuckboy is done with you, they need someone else to move on to. Try and warn a good sis. That’s what Cohen tried to do yesterday when he warned Republicans in Congress about continuing to defend Trump.
"It's that sort of behavior that I'm responsible for. I'm responsible for your silliness, because I did the same thing that you're doing now for 10 years," Cohen said. "I can only warn people. The more people that follow Mr. Trump as I did blindly, [the more people are] going to follow the same consequences that I'm suffering."
In fact, he warned us all.
“I did things and I acted improperly, at times at Mr. Trump’s behest. I blindly followed his demands. My loyalty to Mr. Trump has cost me everything: my family’s happiness, friendships, my law license, my company, my livelihood, my honor, my reputation and soon my freedom. And I will not sit back, say nothing, and allow him to do the same to the country.”
Thanks for looking out, Cohen. Now we’ll make sure not to let a man fuck up this country — or our credit.