Letters to My Brother
2.1.2012
By James Clementi
Tyler (left) and James Clementi / Photo courtesy James Clementi
I ’m not sure when I first realized my younger brother was gay. I think I knew he was for as long as I knew I was. I had no idea how to bring it up; it was just something we left dangling in the air, unsaid. I was open about my sexuality with friends, but around my family there was this barrier that felt unbreakable. It slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t the only one, that I had a brother who was also gay -- my baby brother, whom I had always felt protective and paternal toward. I knew I was in a position to be a confidant, a role model. But I wasn’t ready to do any of that. It would have made it much less lonely for me to grow up with an older brother who had gone through and understood everything I was dealing with -- and I wanted to be that for Tyler. I didn’t start to come out to the people in my life until I was in my early twenties, so I always thought Tyler would follow the same timeline and we wouldn’t need to address the rainbow-colored elephant for a few more years. I was terrified to talk to him, accustomed to secrecy and scared I would make everything worse somehow.
The summer after Tyler graduated from high school we made plans to see Toy Story 3 together, and I looked up the schedule online. I walked into his room without knocking to ask what times would work for him, and there was that awkward moment where he realized that I was standing behind him. I realized my little brother was looking at gay porn. Caught off guard, I acted like I hadn’t seen it, and I think he was initially relieved. But from this moment, there was a growing anxiety, an urgent pull from inside myself that was compelling me to talk to him, and I knew it was time -- probably way past time. I gave myself a day to stress out over the right words, the best place, the perfect time. And then I just did it.
SLIDESHOW: FAMILY SNAPSHOTS OF THE BROTHERS TOGETHER
It was the Fourth of July. We had spent the day at the movies, the diner, the fireworks. So many opportunities, and I kept chickening out. That night, I found him in the house listening to Katy Perry, and I saw that, if I couldn’t do this now, something was really wrong with me. I overthought it -- because it ended up being this simple.
Me: “I’m gay.”
Tyler: “Oh. Me too.”
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I can't stop crying. I also have a brother who just came out to me and I love him so much and fear for his future. If this world wasn't so dark, if people could be just people, free...I don't know, it is so hopeless, your dear brother had to die and many others will die because of homophobia, hatred, religion, stupidity. We even can't tell our parents, and they should be his best friends, they are educated, suposedly intelectuals. What should he expect from strangers if he can't trust his family? The other day, he told me, if you ever have a child, I will be there for you and it will be just like my child and I cried because my brother would be the best father, but he will never be, becuase the biggots will not let him be free.
What a poignant tribute from one brother to another. I cannot imagine the sorrow his brother is feeling. All I can say is that death cannot stop the love between siblings. I believe the best way for James to honor his brother's memory is to live his life to the fullest. I hope that his brother's death will have not been in vain. Out there are many Tylers, struggling with their identities and fearing rejection and ridicule. We must seek them out and tell them that they are loved and that all that matter is their self-respect and dignity. As long as I live and breathe, I will personall reach out to LGBT person in need and show them that life is worth living. God bless Tyler and his family.
I know you say you hope he is not just another story, but you know, everyone here love your brother, even if we never, never know him
James, thank you, belatedly, for this. You have such love, such eloquence - it's humbling. I lost a brother to suicide years ago and I thank you, also, for helping once again to put that in another perspective. 15 years later, I'm not done with it - and you may never be, but your heart is so loving and strong.
But also, please write more, about anything. You write beautifully. Thank you again.
James: this was so poignant and wonderful. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about Tyler.
I'm so very sorry for your loss.
james, i am so sorry for your loss ..... hopefully your writing and your goodness and telling others about your dear brother will leave a legacy of compassion, understanding and love ....
peace to you,
elizabeth
James, thank you for this beautiful letter to your brother. Your pain is palpable, your love the same. I am so proud of your family for standing up and OUT during this most painful time in your lives. When I heard the sentencing yesterday I spent the afternoon crying for your brother, your family and for all of us who love someone who just happens to be gay. I was hoping for a stronger message for this terrible crime. I will hold my son tighter the next time I see him, and think of your brother and your family. I wish there was a way to make this different for you all. Love to you.
What a beautiful tribute to your brother. We will never really know why people are so full of prejudice or hate. How can we ever get past that? By bright, kind and compassionate men as you, and as Tyler was. He will always be alive, because he will always live in our hearts. God bless you for such a heartwarming tribute to him, and for allowing the world to see the beauty that I already knew he possessed.
The most saddest thing I've read
R.I.P god be with u.
I am a straight woman with a out and proud homosexual brother. I have another brother who we feel is also gay.. how do you go about saying anything? There are MANY signs. I knew my other brother was homosexual before he said anything & when he came out it was just a "We know." from the family and life went on. I just want him to be true to himself. I dont know if he's scared or he thinks one family can't have two gay children.. but it's so frustrating not knowing what is right.
These letters are beautiful but I hope I never have to write anything similar.
I think Ravi should be sentenced to read this every day for a year, out loud, on ichat, to his friends. Those same friends who were too cowardly to say NO to him
I just read this letter and it was so moving. I never knew Tyler's brother was gay. It puzzles me and sadens me because a young, bright life was lost. I have a son a couple of years older than Tyler and when I heard about Tyler, I thought what I would do if my son said he was gay. I would feel worried for him because he would have to struggle with society but I would not stop loving him. Being an Indian American, I know something about discrimination and how hurtful it can be . The fact is we all need to be kinder to each other regardless of sexual orientation or race or gender. At the end of of the day we are all human beings. Understanding each other and caring for each other is more valuable. I agree with a previous letter writer who said that boys and men do not get nurturing messages. They are asked to shut off their emotions and not be caring. Until we value nurturing, caring males we will not grow as a society.
Anne Marie - Anne, Tyler is so CUTE! I see so much of you in him. He looks like a very happy baby. I hope that you and Rich are enjoying every osecnd with him:)
James,
Thank you for your beautiful letter. I lost my older sister when I was fourteen and am only just able to articulate how much that loss affected me. Your words and brave and I think most of all you will help people appreciate the sibling that they have, which is a big gift that people seem to take for granted until it's taken from them. Thank you.
Tears fill my eyes. This is such a sad story. Two wrecked lives. And all those who loved, cared for, and all their hopes. Tragic...
I read this article tonight and cried. I then texted my brother who is also gay and asked him to go buy this month's magazine and read the article. James thank you for sharing such intimate and personal memories and feelings. We can't always be there to protect our brothers but we can love them. You love your brother and that love lives on eternally.
James, Your brother brought attention to Bullying and to accepting people for who they are, not who they are attracted to. Your brother was a hero and you should be proud that he left a legacy on this world. Touching thoughts - Thanks for sharing.
I received my copy of OUT Magazine today. There it was. Letters To My Brother. Made me cry. My older brother passed away May 2011 of A.L.S. I miss him. He was 65yo. I am soon to be 58yo.
I am gay. I knew I was gay before I started elementary school even though I didn't know what it was called at that age! I just knew that I had a big crush on Tony Brown, the boy next door who was 5yrs my senior. He was 10! How I used to daydream!
He saved my life when I was 21yo. My brother was a brother to me. I called him after being laid off of my job to ask if I could visit him in Los Angeles for a couple of weeks. He of course said yes. Then I burst into tears on the phone and said, "And, I'm gay." He quietly chuckled and said, "I know Glenn. Come on out to visit and we'll talk about it. You need to be out here anyway so you can see that you're no weird and you're not the only gay person in America!"
My brother lived in NYC the last 35 yrs of his life. He loved The City, as he called it. When I visited him for the first time there, he said he wanted to take me somewhere. He wanted to share with me a bit of history. We walked from his place, he talked about the gay movement. He was a history buff anyway so this wasn't strange to me that he knew everything about it. After all, he was an actor and Ford & Elite model for several years and had traveled all over the world. He took me to Stonewall for the visual of my history lesson. I love him for that. I cried because I knew he did this just so I would know that the journey had been long and I was living openly because other people gave up so much for me.
He told me so many times that he wished he could be like me. I never understood why. Yet, I used to tell him the same thing. But he had done everything imaginable and was successful. Once I came out at the age of 21, even tho' I was engaged twice afterward to women, I knew I was a gay man. I admitted it and just talked about my life as if it was normal conversation fodder. My family all knew, I talked about my partner (when there was one) and talked about my gay-affrming Pentecostal/Charismatic Church that I attended. When I finally reconciled my faith with my being gay, I stopped singing secular music (not that I had to), left the jazz/cabaret club venues in Los Angeles returned to my music roots - Christian. I began writing my own songs, producing my own recording projects and selling my music while traveling in a music ministry into the gay-affirming congregations across the country. My brother was impressed that I was so comfortable with who I was as a gay man. He was more intrigued by the fact that I knew Whose I was when it came to my Christian faith.
We didn't talk too much about anything gay as he was more uncomfortable talking about it as years went by unless he was venting about how the religious segment (all of them) of society was so unwilling to reevaluate their stand on the subject. We didn't talk much about it but I still have tons of clippings from newspapers and magazines that he would cut out and send to me. All related to the changes taking place and the positive conversations going on within the Christian community about gay people and gay Christians.
Yes, he was pretty awesome!
When I visited him a couple of months before his passing on, at his place in the Columbus Circle area of Manhattan, he looked across the room at me, barely able to speak with any volume at all because the A.L.S. (Lou Gehrig Disease) had affected his respiratory system and his speech. He didn't look like the brother I had known all of my life. His eyes lit up as he said, "Glenn, I love you so much. You can't imagine how much peace and comfort your music has brought to me all of these years and especially now. I am sorry that I made things so difficult for you and didn't support your choice to be in ministry rather than pursue a different music career. I understand now why you had to make the choice you made. You had to take your message of love to your own people. I want you to know that I hold you in such high regard. I love you, little brother! I'm really glad you're here."
We hugged. I kissed him on his cheeks. The remainder of the day we hardly spoke because doing so drained him so.
I left a few days later. I wish I had not. I wish I had stayed and had cared for him the last two months of his life. But, he was proud. He was humble. He was generous beyond words. He told me to go back home that he would call if he needed me. When his body could no longer support the weight of the biggest heart I will ever know, he was gone. I miss him.
I am grateful for the day we live in. We are able to be who we are openly. Even though we are still not accepted for the most part. But...times are changing! People are growing. We have periodicals like OUT Magazine that cater to our community, giving us a voice and also bending an ear to our thoughts, I am grateful. Thank you.
Can you actually be a gay person and still have a relationship with Chirst?
Can you ask that question - in this space, after reading the article, no less - and be a truely decent human being?
No.
Thank you for tkiang the time to comment. You are absolutely right that Benilde St. Margaret's had every Constitutional right to censor Sean's article. You are also correct when you say that Sean had reason to expect his school would react negatively to his article.However, sometimes it is more important to stand up for what you believe, than to accept a harmful situation. Sometimes the very act of standing up, in the face of certain rejection, is all that matters. This is why we chose to highlight Sean's article as a Heroic Act. We hope his message will continue to be heard.
James - I only wish you find the same love and spirit for life that you saw in your sweet brother. I wish I had known Tyler and that I could have quieted his fears and saved your family from this pain. That first wish can happen. For the second - I am sorry. But I promise to always behave and act in a way that is respectful to all human beings - and I will reach out to young people and offer support when I can. Tyler's life has made - and is making a difference - that perhaps may have a huge impact on our world. Take care of yourself young man.
James,
What a loving brother you are. As a straight 50ish woman, I am ashamed to say I live in a world where such prejudices thrive. Where a wonderful young man so full of promise could be bullied into feeling that his only recourse was to end his life. It is as others have said heartbreaking! I am a momma of 2 and I know that neither happen to be gay. I let them know, however, when they were old enough that homosexuality would never be a "deal-breaker" for me or something they had to hide. I truly believe that we are all created as we are meant to be... and that is that. I am frequently reminded of your brother's story through the occasional news story and because I get updates from his Facebook page on my newsfeed now and again. In his memory and in honor of my many gay friends, I try to be that voice of support and acceptance. It is the least I can do to honor your brother's memory and the struggle that still exists for others. Thank you for your beautiful tribute to your brother. If he was 1/2 the man you have turned out to be then he must have been exceptional. My best to you and to your family.
It's hard to finish reading your letter.. I was heartbroken. How could something like that happened to your little brother? I wish someone was there for him at that time. He seems so nice in your letter. Likewise, you seem to be a very loving person as well. I'm not a homo. But I believe people should be equal, and that differences and uniqueness of a person should not create discrimination. I'm really sorry that you and your little brother have to experience and endure untoward treatments from people who believe they are the only ones who have the right to exist. I know you are at a great loss at the moment. Be strong. And no matter what, don't go down the road your little brother took. Praying for you and your little brother.
You're not alone, whatever sorrows be...
God holds you in His arms for eternity.
It's hard to finish reading your letter.. I was heartbroken. How could something like that happened to your little brother? I wish someone was there for him at that time. He seems so nice in your letter. Likewise, you seem to be a very loving person as well. I'm not a homo. But I believe people should be equal, and that differences and uniqueness of a person should not create discrimination. I'm really sorry that you and your little brother have to experience and endure untoward treatments from people who believe they are the only ones who have the right to exist. I know you are at a great loss at the moment. Be strong. And no matter what, don't go down the road your little brother took. Praying for you and your little brother.
You're not alone, whatever sorrows be...
God holds you in His arms for eternity.
It was rather hard to finish reading your letter... I can't describe my feelings after. I was heartbroken.
How could it be that this happened to your brother. I wish someone was there for him at that time..he seems so nice in your letter. And likewise, you seem to be a loving person too. I am not a homo, but I believe people should be equal, and that differences and the uniqueness of an individual should not create discrimination. I'm really sorry that you and your brother have to experience untoward treatments from people who feels they are the only ones who have the right to exist in this world. I know you're in a great loss at the moment, but be strong. Don't go that road your little brother took no matter what. You're not alone whatever sorrows be. God holds you in his arms for eternity. Praying for your little brother and praying for you as well. :)
i am 26years As a person I like to think of myself as confident but not overly. I'm a very humble man. I understand that there's a time to give and be loving and understanding. I also believe in standing up for what I believe and not being walked on. I'm always there for my friends and loved ones. I don't run from adversity. I care what people think of me because I believe in being the best man I can be. I want people who come across me to think "hey what a cool guy". It's not about attention for me. It's about the importance of ones own honor and respect for those around me....
i am a suicidal type of person i used to drinks perfume,take high dosage of medicine...
i have no self confident,i am a shy type of person i am afraid to mingle with other..i am prefer to stay home and play volleyball,reading book,and if i have money i use to go online to make some blog about what is happening in my life,i don't have personal computer!
i don't have a strong faith to god its maybe because of what is happening to my life...and sometime hurting my self is one of my way to ease all of my problem!!
if i fell the hurt i think all of my problem are gone..
I am a person who has a great ambition in life,a person who wanted to finish my studies ,likewise a person who try the best that i can,and not afraid to fail because i believe that failure is just only a challenge on us to believe ourselves more similarly I am a person who has a good attitude or characteristics to someone,,the custom that I possess are ;trustworthy,honest,religious,and most of all respectful,caring,loving,and simple,,, I know from that custom that I possess were really help me to achieve my dreams and goals
Hopes and dreams are like fleeting birds at night every searching it seems until they are realized,, I cant deny the fact that i really want to meet a person that has a good heart,wherein he will accept me for who i am.......a person who is understanding in all aspect of life.because I came from a poor and simple family,my father is only a farmer,and my loving mother is a house wife ,,I am the 4th siblings in my family cant afford to pay my tuition fee in school but still i am doing my best!! right now I AM a College student taken up BACHELOR IN SECONDARY EDUCATION,, I sacrifice working even I am studying,,I study hard,,,I worked because it really help in my studies,,,, to all of you,,i really knock your heart to help me,,to tell you honestly, I LOVED STUDIES!!
currently leaving with my grand parent custody because both of my biological parent are already past away since when i was 15 year old..
during my elementary grade my biological parent is very supportive in my study they want me to finish my study until college but because of poverty and my parent don't have stable job we have no permanent address we use to transfer from one place to another until the time come that my parent get old and die!!
during my childhood i never experience how to be a child like playing in the street!because in my early age i know how to do some household chores my parent teach me how to be a nice son!!
until the time they die!!
i was second year high school when i leave in my grand parent custody i thought my life will get better but i was wrong instead its get more miserable that i was not expecting its very challenging full of struggle,until i graduated my high school grade !
i am not studying now i am only helping my grand mother at home!
i really want to finish my study i am hoping that one of this day someone will help me,i really need help really really!!!
i cant handle this alone my grand parent are already old,
If I wasn't sitting in a cafe right now I would probably be crying like a baby. This is the best piece I have read about the life and death of Tyler Clementi, after reading and reading and hoping to understand at least a little bit. The New Yorker article just confused and depressed me. But I feel like I understand a lot better now. Having writing like this out in the world makes things better for everyone who struggles with the same feelings as Tyler did--and I do hope and believe that Tyler is grateful for your words, your spirit and your caring heart.
You are a beautiful soul, and the greatest sadnes I feel is that your brother left this world before he got to truly know and feel your intense loyalty and brotherly love! God bless you!!
I have no brothers or sisters, so I can not begin to understand your experience, now, James, but I sit here now rolling tears for you and your brother.
I know you say you hope he is not just another story, but you know, everyone here love your brother, even if we never, never know him.
Hi James - these letters are beautiful and you are clearly a very loving, sensitive man. Tyler was very fortunate to have you for a brother. I hope you find peace in this difficult time.
Dear James,
First of all, your courage and honesty is admirable. No matter how different I am from my brother, I would support him no matter what it is. Your letters made me realize how strong that bond is. My mother always says your siblings are the people you will always have the strongest relationship, and losing a brother like you have is like losing part of you.
Good luck!
Your story is heartbreaking James, and I'd be lying if I said I understood how you feel. I'm very sorry for your loss but am happy to see that you are coping with your brother's passing in a positive way, sharing positive memories and highlighting his life as any loved one would. What your brother went through is simply awful and we should all fight against it to prevent losing more friends and family to it.
You're very brave for sharing your story and I won't soon forget it.
I can't say how sorry i feel for you James. And I know nothing can replace your brother and your feelings towards him.
But James don't let the world get to you
Keep on believing in what you believe, what you believe is right for you
Live your life, enjoy your life
And if you can enjoy it to the fullest.
For you brother..
James,
It is truly terrible to think that someone as sweet and amazing as your brother felt so lonely and sad to the point that he couldn't handle it any longer. Like you said, there was still so much time left for him, so many opportunities, so many people to meet and places to visit. But guess what? Maybe it was meant to be. Your brother is now more alive than ever, inside your heart, and inside the world's hearts, and although his death was tremendously unfortunate and I wish there was some way I could bring him back to you, I also think it means so much now. It opened people's eyes to the power of cyber-bullying and predjudice, and made them realize it's not just a joke. It's serious. It tears wonderful people apart and has the power to destroy.
Your brother made history, and hopefully, what he did will save thousands of others living in the same situation he was.
Just keep him alive in your heart, and he'll always be there with you. :)
Dear James,
I am so, so sorry to read about what you're going through and what Tyler had to endure. Thank you for being brave enough to make the turmoil you feel inside public, for all of us to learn from... to learn how to appreciate who we have in our lives and to tell them what they truly mean to us before it is too late.
A friend of mine passed away almost 2 years ago from cancer, and every day, I still ask myself what I never got to do or say. I wish there was an easier way for us all to learn life's hardest lessons- but I guess that's why they say life is tough.
I hope you'll be able to pick up the pieces of your life and continue living, in any way that will make you happy. I wish you and all of your family lots of love and the best of luck.
What you write to your brother is touching and your admiration for him reminds me much of my admiration for my own younger brother. I know what you are talking about when you say you used to tell him to be quiet, or you would not go to his shows, it is a relationship that only brothers will understand. However, emotionally speaking, his absence seems to have inspired emotions in you and your ability to relate to his topic perhaps makes it harder for you to understand why he acted this way if he had you there to count on. Although those roommates may not have intended for this to happen, the pain was there, and evidently it left a mark. We never know how we are making somebody else feel, there is always that barrier that is clouded by speculation. We will never be spiritually inside somebody else and will never have access to their true emotions, unless they grant it to us, and even then, we never fully know what emotions they are trying to convey to us. Many of us have suffered loss, and as I have learned from a friend of mine, loss is not something easy, but finding a channel for all those emotions will facilitate your life greatly.
To James, I commend you for making these personal thoughts so open to the world. Your expression of grief allows all the world to see the hurt, that you as a family member of someone who committed suicide due to being bullied, feels. Your story shows the after affects of bullying. It last a lot longer than the death.
Dear James,
Halfway through your first letter, I couldn't help the tears gathering in my eyes. They reminded me of how I felt when my grandma passed away and I realized I hadn't had the chance to tell her everything I wanted. Regret, pain. I am really sorry about your brother. In a way, your story encourages us. It reminds us that there might be no tomorrow, so why not do everything we can today? Why not turn to that person you love and say "Let's stop fighting, this doesn't matter"?
I guess we all live under the false illusion that the worst is too far from us...
James,
I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. What is done is done, the only thing left for you to do is to keep his spirit alive. Don't let the world tell you who you're supposed to be. We have evolved from that. Take what your brother has left you and never fear anything again.
When you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill
Hey James. I am a gay youngest brother of 3 myself and was very much affected by your article. It has inspired me to try and talk to my older, presumably straight brothers about my being gay. I have passed on your article to all of my friends and my parents. It is the most powerful thing I have read in a long time. Through Tyler, and importantly, through your own will, you have made the world a better place. I wish you all the best in love and life.
Sincerely from Montreal,
xoxoxoxo
Dear James, Thank you for the courage you've shown in sharing your feelings with the world. I hope all your goals and wishes are fulfilled, for love and happiness in life. Do it for yourself, because YOU are clearly a wonderful, honest person, and do it for Tyler.
James,
I don't know where to start. Thank you for this incredible tribute to your brother. Your essay belies a bond that anyone should be so lucky to have with a brother. I don't know why or how, but to this day that dorky self-portrait he took with his phone brings me to tears. I have never grieved this hard over the loss of a total stranger in my life. So I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, but I truly hope you are surrounded by friends who love you, and I hope you have taken that escape from your everyday life that you so desperately need. Do any of your friends know the meaning of the term "Road Trip?"
I missed his vigil because of a stupid work thing that I really should have blown off. But I took a day trip up there a month later. I have family in NJ and NY but I have never walked across the GW Bridge. I sat in Palisades Park for about 3 hours and cried. This is now an annual trip for me.
I so wish Tyler knew what he had in you, then maybe I would have never heard of either of you. But if I ever meet you, we're getting a beer. I hope the pain dulls and you quickly find the peace and joy you deserve.
Cheers.
Beautiful. May you some day find peace, and rest assure that someday you'll be able to see him again. <3
I was going to write, "Don't ever stop loving your brother," but I know you never will. I lost my brother 33 years ago--a terrible car accident killed him and his wife--but his spirit is with me still. Please do everything you can to keep Tyler with you. You're a wonderful man. Bless you.
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Dear James, Thank you for sharing your letters to your brother; I am sure that he knew how much you love him. Unfortunately, the same dark ages social norms that result in bullying, suppress our ability to talk to brothers and friends openly and so many important feelings and thoughts are left unsaid between boys and men. I am so very sorry you were never given to opportunity to fully express your feelings for your brother while he was alive.
I'm so sorry for your loss. This is a terrible tragedy and I hope
Everyone learns the lesson of unconditional love
And acceptance. I have a gay 20 year old son and I
Love him unconditionally n I'm so proud of him. He is
Truly a great human being. He came out at 16.
Maybe because he knew we would accept him. As a parent,
I can't imagine my son being bullied n discriminated against but
I know he has been. I hate the thought of anyone
Being mistreated for their race, or sexual orientation.
Thank you for sharing your story. I know it must be hard
But it does help change the world for the better n fight
Discrimmination. Be strong, you make Tyler proud.
When will one just learn to appreciate the being that you are and those around you? Look for the beauty, Look for the love. That' s all that there is and that's all that matters.
James, your essay to your brother is emotional and heart wrenching at best. I cannot imagine the pain and suffering that both yourself and your family is going through at this moment. Unfortunately, your brother did not realize the important contribution that he made to this world, until he was taken away from it. He is gazing at you know and crying for your pain and suffering, and possibly hoping that you will be able to find peace in this chaos that is life. Acceptance is dependent upon society as a whole: the home, community, school, religion, culture, and life skills need to gaze upon individuals as people first, and sexual orientation and partnership last. Who one is as an individual is dependent upon internal characteristics, as well as the social relationships that one makes. Acceptance is dependent upon tolerance. May the world learn to take people as they are.