Necessary: Penis Jewelry Brought to You by Ke$ha
By Samantha Henderson
Maybe you already own some Vivienne Westwood penis cufflinks, a pin, or a "bracelet man," but why would you want to go around wearing something from Vivienne Westwood when there's a new jewelry collection by Ke$ha featuring gold penis earrings and necklaces? Much classier and far more brag-worthy.
The collection is known as Kesha Rose by Charles Albert. Just to clarify: Ke$ha's name is actually Kesha, so you really have been saying it correctly all along. Unfortunately, the line isn't entirely comprised of penises—just a pendant, three earring styles, and two rings. But it all pretty reasonably priced, so there's no reason not to buy all of them and wear them all at once (Even if that means going out and getting some new ear piercings. You gotta do what you gotta do for penis fashion).
If it matters to you, the rest of the offerings include skulls, teeth, and some Day of the Dead-esque flower designs, but you can get that at any flea market, really. This is all about the penises.
Another piece of trivia you simply have to include when showing off your new dick-wear is the metal it's made of: "Alchemia Zero Karat Gold," so you know it's good. According to the Charles Albert website, it is "inspired by the ancient mythical craft of transforming lesser metals into gold." You can leave out the "inspired" part and just tell people alchemy is real. They'll definitely believe you and be extra impressed. Thanks Ke$ha and Charles Albert. We're ordering it all right now.