Can I Be Blunt? Rachel Dratch

1. I don't care how many times you say, "You have to try this!" I don't want a sip of your sour apple martini.

2. Despite your efforts of subtlety, we always know when you're checking out some guy over our shoulders.

3. Attending a Fire Island tea dance with you is at the upper end of the spectrum of what a straight single lady can handle without thinking, What the hell am I doing with my life?

4. When we do karaoke with my friends, we cannot sing "Suddenly Seymour" every time. Straight dudes don't even know what it is.

5. Sometimes we're a little embarrassed to have you over because our apartments are messier than yours.

6. You like my boobs more than I do.

7. If you call at 9 a.m. to describe in detail the B.J. you received the night before, I will say, "It's too early for this" and hang up on you.

8. To us, a blanket on a plane is for warmth—not a way to hide the fact that you're jerking off the stranger sitting next to you.

9. When we're feeling bad about our love lives, "Just go troll a park and suck off some guy behind a bush" is not helpful advice.

10. When you say "poppers," we think jalapenos.