Question: Should Rick Perry Stop Talking Entirely?
By Mike Berlin
This just in—Rick Perry makes no sense. The National Journal just posted this video of a 14-year-old girl, who identifies as bisexual, asking him why he opposes gays serving openly in the military. But, like, what is he saying? Let's watch:
First of all, I personally love the guy in the first 20 seconds of the video who is trying desperately to explain to Perry that Mitt Romney committed "federal racketeering" by betting him $10,000 during a debate. I actually want this young man to follow that train of reasoning to its utmost logically conclusion and try prosecuting Romney like former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich, who was just sentenced to jail for 14 years for generally being corrupt. I don't really know if it'll pan out, but I'm in support of at least looking further into most conspiracy theories.
Anyway, then this lovely girl comes in and asks Perry why he doesn't support gays serving openly in the military, which, God bless her, is not going to end well or satisfyingly. But let's really delve into the transcript of his response (with my stream-of-counsciousness reaction sprinkled in as liner notes):
"Here’s my issue [Ed: It's not YOUR issue]. This is about my faith [Ha, not really], and I happen to think [Really?], you know, there are a whole hosts of sins [This statement is true]. Homosexuality being one of them, and I’m a sinner [So, logically, you're a homosexual?] and so I’m not going to be the first one to throw a stone [Are you stoned?]. But to openly—it's just like the Boy Scouts...[Oh lord.] You recall when the Boy Scouts were sued to let openly gay individuals serve as scout masters [Yes? WHY????]? And that again is one of those issue that I don't agree with [Wait, what? What do you mean you don't 'agree' with an issue? You can't agree or disagree with an entire 'issue.' UGH]. And I don’t agree that openly gays [Ha! 'Openly gays'] should be serving in the military [You don't agree THAT or WITH???]. ‘Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell’ was working [Please stop talking] and my position is just like I told a guy yesterday. He said, ‘How would you feel if one of your children was gay?’ [I DON'T want to know the answer] I said, 'I’d feel the same way.' I hate the sin, but I love the sinner [Who are you—CHRIST?], but having them openly serve in the military, I happen to think [Please.] as a commander in chief [STOP.] of some 20,000+ people [SAYING.] in the military [WERDS.] is not good public policy, and this president was forced [UGH.] by his base to change that policy [NO. NO!!!] and I don’t think it was good policy [You can literally save me from DYING if you just stop talking right now. Like, don't even finish that thought. Just stop producing words with your mouth this instant and you will save one human being from having a lethal brain aneurysm. PLEASE. Have you NO compassion, you MONSTER???], and I don’t think people in the military thought it was good policy. [Oh gross. Did he just condescendingly touch that girl's arm? What a creep.]"
So, um, yeah. I guess I'm a little torn about whether or not I'd like to keep engaging Rick Perry as a serious Republican candidate for president or whether he should just stop talking, in general. What do you guys think? I'm a little "on the fence" on this one!
Photo: Getty Images