'All Stars' Ru-Cap: No More Mister Nice Bitch
By Evan Lambert
Remember Shannel's "yeast infection of life?" You know, that thing where her vagina is infected by a large and unhealthy amount of life? Well ... that's still there. But this week, Shannel allowed another ridiculous collection of words to fall out of her mouth, and it lived up to expectations. While chatting with the other queens on last night's finale of Ru Paul's Drag Race All Stars, Shannel dropped this gem:
"I don't let my wardrobe wear me. I wear IT."
Nice, Shannel! Pithy, quippy and chic! Now all that's left is YOU EXPLAINING WHAT THE HELL THAT MEANS. Does your wardrobe literally try to wear you? As in, does it try to put on a "Shannel" when it goes clubbing on Friday nights? Did it spend Cyber Monday looking for a cheap "Shannel"? And how do you "not let" it wear Shannels? Do you tear the Shannels out of its hands? Doesn't that hurt its feelings?
Is this your wardrobe?
Also, why was that giant squid chilling on your head as you strutted down the runway? Oh, that was your headpiece? Oh. Well. I'll choose to overlook all that, because you didn't even win this thing, Shannel! Nope, that honor goes to the Great Chad Michaels, who has been dreaming about this moment since she was a little girl. And let's be real, Chad deserved this, didn't she? As much as we may hate her after watching her prance around Drag Race like she owned the place, we have to give credit where credit is due: Not only does she exude perfection, but she's been working nonstop for twenty years and her cheeks are tailor-made to look like Cher's. I mean, those Cher cheeks have to be good for something other than a fun epitaph, right? ("Her cheeks reminded us of Cher. R.I.P.")
Also, Chad was actually funny last night! During her standup routine she was dropping zingers left and right like a seasoned comic, which is extra surprising because I interviewed her once and the best joke she could come up with was: "You know, hanging out with the queens on that show was a real drag." Ugh, a pun?? Really, Chad?? I thought it would be fun to tease her for that, so I did one of those "Buh dum chhhhhh" air-drum things that you do whenever you hear a lame joke ... but she just glared at me until my happiness withered and died. So I lowered my head in shame and continued the interview.
Ohhhhh, wait. Now that I think about it, I do still have a reason to hate Chad! During Untucked, when the queens complimented her on her standup, she actually told them she'd been "winging it." Um, no. We've seen your idea of off-the-cusp humor, Chad, and 99% of the time it's either cheesy wordplay or a Hunger Games reference. So you can just shut that Cher mouth of yours, hunty, because we KNOW you spent three hours hunched over your Lisa Frank notebook jotting down obsessive notes about your jokes, your choreography, the color of your bra and the amount of leg you were willing to show.
The other queens were pretty dece, especially Jujubee with her Margaret Cho-inspired impression of her grandmother. I mean, obvs their routines had been pretty rough until Cheri Oteri swooped in there and saved the day, but they all did pretty well considering they had just spent two hours jetting around the city and stripping down to their panties in the backs of sedans. (P.S. The whole hamburger thing was fine, but what was with that entertainment interview? As in, why did Shannel have a whole five minute speech about drag queen ethics prepared? Does this chick think she's the ambassador for drag queens? I mean, I'm no drag queen, but I'm pretty sure I would just quit my job immediately if I had to be represented by that.)
Another highlight of last night, courtesy of Untucked, was when Ru paid the queens a visit while they were waiting in the Interior Illusions Lounge. It was another major crying sesh, of course, but it was still sort of entertaining. Not because the queens opened up and shared their deepest fears and regrets with us (which was surprisingly moving), but because I couldn't help but think how awesome it would be if Ru was actually a therapist. Can you imagine??? It would be such an easy way to forget about your neuroses and problems:
"Ru ... it's just ... sometimes I don't know if I want to be a lawyer or not! My dad was so adamant that I go into the profession — I mean, he even threatened to take away my inheritance when I told him I wanted to be a poet, you know? — so now I'm just really confused and angry and ... and ... and ... HOW DO YOU HAVE SUCH FLAWLESS SKIN?? WHY DO YOUR BOOBS LOOK REAL??? WHO DOES YOUR HAIR?? JESUS CHRIST, YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL."
It would be better than booze and antidepressants, for sure.
Well, that's it for Ru Paul's Drag Race All Stars! This season wasn't as awesome as I thought it would be, but hopefully I made it a tiny bit more palatable for you? In any case, now you'll just have to find fun ways to keep your mind off the loooong march to January. My suggestion: betting on how Chad Michaels spends her $100,000! (Although the chances of her spending it on anything other than cheek implants are slim. Just saying.)