Billy Francesca: Advice From an Idiot on Speaking Up
By Billy Francesca
Dance like everyone is watching! Because they are! I hope this finds you all taking care of each other and trying to make the world a bit of a better place! One of my many mottos is: If life give you lemons, add vodka.
I’ve gotten some wonderful emails in from readers, and responded privately to more than one of you kids. (Happy Hippo in Pensacola, Florida, like I said, “More” isn’t the best safe word.) Here are a few advice questions, and answers, that came in for this idiot.
A year and a half ago I married a woman. I thought I was bi and that with hard work and will power I could make a monogamous relationship with a woman work. But I was in denial and am actually gay. My wife is not a United States citizen so she was over there waiting for a green card. I was over here and started to mess around with dudes. Then I met HIM. It started with a hookup but turned into more because it was this powerful connection.
So I've told my wife I want a divorce and am starting the process of coming out. The thing is, HE doesn't know about my soon to be ex-wife. She's over there, and since it was just a hookup in the beginning it didn't matter and wasn't any of his business. But a few months later and I don't know how to tell him.
Mistakes Were Made
My Dearest Mistakes Were Made,
Darlin! What a brave and sweet email, I am an idiot, that is true, However, I firmly believe we can learn from any situation, and take that knowledge with us to better ourselves and change situations. It can only be for good. Your story is amazing, and I am sure you feel like you are alone out there in the world, but your situation isn’t so uncommon. I have an uncle who was married with three children, and all the time he was as gay as a picnic basket.
Now, about what to tell your new man—I suspect you already know the answer and just need to hear it.
Tell him the truth.
The truth isn’t always easy, and it isn’t something that is popular all the time, however, the truth always finds a way. I can’t imagine you want to start this next chapter of your life off with a lie. If this man is meant to be a part of it, then he will be, but my advice is to be true to yourself and your own heart first. You already know what the feeling is like when you try to mask the truth, or hide it, or conform. So remember that and use that knowledge to help your heart be true.
Congratulations on coming out! Have fun, be safe, and the most important thing to remember when dealing with gay men: lie about your age…It’s OK, I’m 24
So I have been in a long distance dating relationship for a few months. I feel that the guy I am dating is drifting away, and lately our texts and conversations have been labored and seemed forced. I had planed a trip to see him, as he is 10-hour drive away, but right before I was supposed to go we had a fight over nothing, a text war, then he stopped taking my calls and returning my texts.
I’m not sure what to do. I like him, and thought our chemistry was great, but I may have been wrong. This seems to have happened with the last two guys I dated, and I am not sure why. I try and be giving with my time, and people say I am a catch, so I’m not sure why this keeps happening to me. People ask me all the time, “why are you single,” and say things like, “I would never treat you that way.” So why does this keep happening?
Great Catch in the South
Dear Great Catch in the South,
I love the South!
There is a saying that I am sure you’ve heard. “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” If you say this keeps happening, then give this idea serious consideration, first and foremost. Long distant relationships are hard. I’m not sure how anyone can do it, between the emotional and physical toll it takes. You have to be very clear and strong to do that. And you’re already in the thick of it.
(Sidebar: Not to be a bitch, but who cares what people say about you being single, or the way they would treat you? It’s about how you see and treat yourself and allow yourself to be treated!)
So this guy decides to not take your calls and shuts you off from communication when there is a problem? And a small problem to boot?! Oh hell no. Hold my earrings cuz I’m gonna get real. I say it all the time: Relationships are about communicating! Whether it’s with friends, lovers, sons, daughters, moms and dads, your g.d. drycleaner (Hi Mr. Namagatchi!), communicating is about being able to talk and explain how you are feeling, while simultaneously listening to the other person. I’m sorry to say this sounds like an up hill battle for you, but try and make it work if that is what your heart is telling you. And if it doesn’t, then you have to think about when to stop beating a dead horse. That’s just stinkin’ thinkin’!
Kids, be good to each other! If you’re in Los Angeles, come on out and say hi! And write in! I love getting emails and I love sharing my thoughts. I’ve made more mistakes than I care to think about, and sharing what I’ve learned is the best therapy! Find me [email protected], and on Twitter at @AdviceIdiot.
Love and vodka,
THIS IDIOT has seen it all and is here to help answer all of your life-in-the-big city woes. My club nights are fabulous—Sundays at Here, Rasputin on Saturdays, HOTROD and LipTickler at Micky’s, and my newest Studio One at Ultra Suede.