Billy Francesca: Advice From an Idiot on Menage a Trois
By Billy Francesca
Hello my tap dancing doves! I hope the winter months aren’t getting our friends in the polar vortex zone too down in the dumps. I don’t care how much fur you own, too much cold is not cute! I do promise you spring will be here before you know it. Here in Los Angeles it has been crazy warm, and we are in drought (with rainfall, not with vodka... I’d never survive).
It seems that no matter where you are, there is always the need for a friendly ear to bounce questions off of. Lately I have been accused of being too nice to the people writing in with questions. Too nice? In all my years on God’s green earth, I have never been accused of being too nice! So I thought this column I would sharpen my forked tongue, and just have at it. I love the questions that people write in, so keep them coming! This well of advice knowledge runs deep my darlings, you don’t live to be this old and jaded without learning a few tricks.
My boyfriend and I have been going through a bit of a rough patch. We have been together for three years, we live together, and both work full time, so our down time is limited. At my boyfriend’s request we decided to spruce up our sex routine by involving a third and (a few times a fourth) participant. At first I was excited about this, and thought it would help and be fun, but lately it just seems like my boyfriend is more into this then I am. Once and a while is fine, but I’m not sure how to reel this situation back in. It feels more like my boyfriend and I are F.W.B., then a couple. Do you have any advice on how we can get back to normal?
Three’s a Crowd
My Dearest Three’s a Crowd,
In what Holy Hell did you think bringing someone new into your bedroom with your boyfriend would solve any problems? I’m trying not to get myself to worked up, but this kind of problem runs rampant in the gay community, even my lesbian friends have jumped on the ménage à trois band wagon. And as for normal, sweetheart, no one is normal, some people are just betters actors.
Putting a Band Aid on a dam isn’t going to stop it from breaking. Next you’re going to be telling me your having a baby to bring you closer together This isn’t the 1950s honey.
It sounds to me like you and your boyfriend aren’t spending any quality time together, and when you don’t put time aside, the relationship suffers. No one is going to put time aside for you, ever. You have to make the time! Inviting some 20-something gymnast, with an ass like granite, into your already waning relationship is not a stellar move. You boys need to sit down and have a heart to heart.
I may be bit of a prude when it comes to this sort of thing. I mean I’m all for fun, but you can’t survive on an all-Nutella diet. I’ve tried. In a relationship you are building and working towards something. [Ed note: The work is like healthy veggies in this metaphor?]
Between work, and personal time, and the everyday mundane rigmarole, it makes it difficult to keep the fun in a relationship. I would first start off by talking with your partner. Explain why this new set up isn’t working for you, and then talk about what you both can do, to add some much needed passion to your relationship and bedroom. Sex is so much more fun with someone you care about, remind your man of that fact and for God’s sake buy a French maid costume or something fun like that. Go have sex in a birdbath, or on a riding lawn mower in the middle of a Sears. You may get arrested but you’ll have a fantastic story to tell. Good luck and talk and listen to each other, this is no time to be single. Look at poor Sharon Stone.
Advice Idiot Queen,
I have been dating this new guy for a little over a month. We have a great time and I really enjoy him, but he has started borrowing money from me. It started out very casual, we would be out for drinks and he wouldn’t have his wallet.
Now it has moved on to asking for cash here and there. Not large amounts of money or anything, and I don’t really mind, as I am established in my profession and have the means, I am just starting to feel like this is going to be part of the relationship. Is there a way to get this to stop, or at least make him more aware that this is starting to bug me a little.
Here’s a $20
My Darling Here’s a $20,
How can I phrase this gingerly? Tell that free loading trick to get to steppin’.
Now that that’s out of my system, ahem. It sounds to me like you are at the beginning stages of being taken advantage of. As a rich white woman who never lets anyone pay for me (except my parents and my very good friends), I know that this can become a relationship problem. It starts with always paying for drinks, then to buying dinners all the time, followed by vacations and then prize sperm from a Kentucky Derby winner (the horse, not the jockey).
You may be headed down a similar path. There are subtle ways you can deal with this, like going out for coffee together and having him pay, you order first, and then walk away, maybe forget your wallet, putting your partner on the spot. I mean usually I’m not the passive aggressive type, but if avoiding confrontation is your handle, you can try that.
But if this is your partner’s pattern, then he is going to be a pro at covering his own ass and making you feel bad for asking, and calling him out. We don’t get taken advantage without our own permission. Be assertive and standup for yourself. You can always ask in private setting if he realizes he is doing this, and that he’s putting you on the spot. Any situation that comes up in a relationship where one of the participants has an issue, it needs to be discussed in an appropriate setting. Or sooner or later the two of you will be having a full on fight in the middle of an American Girl Store, and having security escort you out of the tea room. Don’t be a cliché, that’s my job.
It's non-stop night club fun here in West Hollywood with Billy Francesca on Wednesdays at Hotrod at Micky's with Stefano, Thursday Show&Tell piano sing along at Revolver, Here Lounge for Size Sundays, and of course the dinner magic at Supper Club LA.