Billy Francesca: Advice From an Idiot on Going Slow
By Billy Francesca
OK world, I’m ready to start 2014. After all it is almost the end of January and I figure, why not? It takes me a while to get going… just like sex, I figure they can get started without me and I’ll jump in when I’m ready. The questions from you kids have been coming in, and although I have been answering you all, I haven’t put a new column together until now! So here are a few of the most riveting advice questions I received over the past few weeks. So far no one is being shy in the New Year!
Dear Advice From an Idiot,
I’m not sure how graphic I can get via email and magazine, but I do need some advice, and although it’s not a life-changing problem, I’m not really sure what to do. I have some gay friends, but I live in a fairly small town in middle America and at the risk of further chastising middle gays in middle America, they are a bunch of prudes—which leads me to ask advice from you.
It is difficult to find someone to date where I live, and I met a great guy, who I am very attracted to, and who I have a great time with. We have one small problem, and by small problem, I mean anything but. It’s above average and thick. Long story short, he is the more dominant one in the relationship and I am the more passive/catcher/bottom. My problem is, although we have not “gone all the way” I actually don’t know if I can handle it. I don’t want to lose this fun, great, exciting relationship, but I also don’t want to limp for the rest of my life, or wind up in a wheelchair. What do you think?
I hope this isn’t too graphic for you.
Scared from Behind
My dearest Scared from Behind,
Nothing is too graphic for me. The 1970s cured me of that. Whether you count your blessings in centimeters or kilometers, this is a great big problem to have. I must admit this is a bit out of my area, as I myself am still a virgin in the downtown area (I know it’s a shocker). But I do have a lot—and I do mean a lot—of friends who could field this question. The general consensus is this, like all muscles, you need to work at it, start small, maybe alone with toys. And then work your way up to the big day.
Everyone I poled (polled?) agrees take your time, this isn’t a game of win, lose or draw, there is no rush. Your comfort and safety, as well as a smile on your face, is the goal here. I can say this definitively: Talk to your partner. Communication is the most important aspect in any relationship. Don’t shy away from a subject because of fear — it will always come back to haunt you in the end.
I would say send pictures, but that of course would be gauche. My final piece of advice is that you do not use the word more as your safe word.
Hey Advice Idiot,
I’ve been dating a guy I really like for about three months. He is a few years younger then me (I’m 27, he is 25) and everything is fine and we get along great. But he is not out to his family. I’m not really sure why he hasn’t told them. He is close with both his parents (they are divorced), and his brother came to visit him here in Colorado last year and had fun. We talk about it occasionally and although he doesn’t go into great detail about it, he brushes off the idea of coming out. Recently I have been putting a little pressure on him to have “the talk” with his family, and give it more thought, as I am wondering what kind of future we have if he doesn’t want to share this part of his life, i.e. me, with his family. Got any thoughts on this?
Out and Proud in Colorado
Dear Out and Proud in Colorado,
Gurl, pump your breaks. It’s only been three months and you’re not lesbians.
Seriously, coming out is a personal journey that takes as long as it takes. If your partner is having trouble talking about it with you and opening up, chances are there is more to the story than you know. Three months of dating is not that long a time. (Believe me, I’m just like you. I start figuring out whose family home we are going to for the holidays before I even know a guy’s last name.) But pressuring him, or forcing him to look at things he may not be ready too, is going to put a real strain on such a new relationship.
Be supportive and listen and honestly if you really like this guy. Take yourself out of the equation for a little while, and just try and understand what your partner is going through. I’m not suggesting hiding in a clothes hamper if his family comes to visit, but right now, it just sounds like talking things out and listening is going to be the best course of action. And when your boyfriend is ready, then take it from there. Go slow. Besides, aren’t you kids in some sort of polar vortex anyway? For the meantime, just go skiing and have some hot chocolate (with Baileys—yum!).
It's non-stop night club fun here in West Hollywood with Billy Francesca on Wednesdays at Hotrod at Micky's with Stefano, Thursday Show&Tell piano sing along at Revolver, Here Lounge for Size Sundays, and of course the dinner magic at Supper Club LA.