Billy Francesca: Advice From an Idiot on The Holiday Blues (and Teals and Ultramarines)

12.18.2013

By Billy Francesca

Guest columnist Billy Francesca may be an idiot, but as one of L.A.’s premier party promoters and half-drag nightlife doyennes, he’s an idiot who has been around the damn block, honey. This week Billy answers questions about the (joyous?) holiday season. Get out your gem sweaters!

My Darlings!

The holiday season is upon us and it’s a full-tile-boogie stress-fest for so many friends! I wish I could scoop you all up and just hide you in my purse next to the Demerol and wintergreen Altoids, but alas my unique brand of humor (using the term loosely), coupled with some advice, will have to do! So here we go with this weeks questions from you holiday hopefuls.

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Dear Idiot,

The holidays are rough! At Christmas I fly home for two weeks to see my family, and play the dutiful son. My immediate family is great but they want me at all of these different parties and dinners, mixing in cousins, aunts, uncles, and my parents’ friends. It gets completely overwhelming. I hate disappointing my family, but the questions, the nonstop feeling of having to be “jolly” has got me completely overwhelmed and not in the holiday spirit. Any advice would be a huge help!

Thank you,
Holiday Hater

Dear Holiday Hater,
Gurl! Calm down and take a deep breath, its Christmas not the Spanish Inquisition! It doesn’t sound like you hate the holidays, it sounds like you hate the activities that go along with holidays. Like most holiday occasions, there is that feeling of having to be “on” all the time and be pleasant and charming. One way you can make yourself happy and keep these events more manageable is to get the itinerary ahead of time. That way you can plan on what you want to attend and don’t want to attend, and then—now pay attention—the events you don’t want to go to, just lie as to why you cannot go. Lie lie lie, and take some time for yourself. Say you have plans with old friends and go sit at a T.G.I.Fridays, have a cocktail and read a book at the bar. Or go see a movie and relax.

Most people want to please their family and be into all of the holiday pageantry, however, this isn’t always the best plan. I suggest lying because, let’s face it: its easier, and as long as you don’t get caught, you’re in the clear. It’s better to say your meeting up with old friends then announcing, “If I have to listen to Aunt Edna talk about her gout, I’m going to throw myself into the yule logs burning on the fire.” You will be happier and enjoy your family more if you aren’t denying yourself some you time. Regardless if its the holiday season or not, you still need time for you.
Planning ahead of time what you can handle and what you cannot will relieve a lot of this pressure and anxiety. But don’t get caught!
xo

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Hey Advice Idiot,

My ex boyfriend is back. No surprise there, anytime there is a holiday or some event that requires a real connection with a person he leaves his boy toy lifestyle and he shows back up. Christmas is no exception. A few weeks ago he started texting, and then the phone calls and now random show-ups at my house. I don’t turn him away, because I honestly still care about him, and I feel sorry for him. He broke up with me so I’m confused as to why he always does this. It reopens old wounds for me, and I wind up feeling sad, and confused. How do I can handle this? I’m so tired of being the emotional well of water.

Thank you
Ba Humbug Homo

My dearest Ba Humbug Homo,

Love the name! Kudos! Babe, he shows back up because he can. Don’t make yourself available! He feels low and he recognizes, especially around the holidays, that his connections with people are shallow, so he comes to you to reconnect with you, as well as the part of himself that he neglects. I call this “harvesting”: He gets a hit of honest love and friendship from you, and off he goes. I’m coming over, we’re building a gate!

You need to tell him, for your own heart as well as his, that this hurts you, it never lets you heal, and that you are not some sort of emotional 7-Eleven for him to pop into whenever he needs something.

Try limiting your interaction with him, and as hard as it is. Don’t respond to texts and phone calls, unless its something you want to do! This happens a lot in the gay community, some people spend so much time feeding their need for instant gratification, that when it comes time for some real love, they have no idea what to do. Help him, my darling, by helping yourself! You’re a good egg, stay strong and whatever you do, do not listen to that song, “All I Want for Christmas Is You.” It will rip your heart out every time.

xoxo unicorn power!

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Darlings, next week I have 12 more advice questions that came in—they're short sweet and funny as all hell. Now I’ve got a twitter page, @AdviceIdiot so follow me, damn it. And ask me anything at [email protected]. Be good to each other darlings!

Love and vodka,
BF

 

THIS IDIOT has seen it all and is here to help answer all of your life-in-the-big city woes. My club nights are fabulous—Sundays at Here, Rasputin on Saturdays, HOTROD and LipTickler at Micky’s, and my newest Studio One at Ultra Suede.

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