Billy Francesca: Advice From an Idiot on Breakups and Long-Distance Relationships
Hello My Darlings!
Things here in Lala Land have NOT slowed down at all! Between Ciara coming in to perform at Studio One Fridays at Ultra Suede, and non stop Halloween preparations, for what really is a four-night party, my heels are on fire. But we mustn’t neglect the wonderful emails and questions pouring in from coast to coast from you all! I feel just like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins: drunk.
I got a lot of advice questions this week about love and relationships and all that cozy stuff, so I figure let’s jump into the romantic deep end of the pool.
About two months ago I broke up with my boyfriend who I had been with for about two and a half years. I was convinced that I was no longer in love with him. Two weeks after the breakup we started hooking up, convinced that it was purely physical (the sexual chemistry between us has always been great). That didn’t end up working because it was clear that he still had feelings for me, and I didn’t want him to feel used. So then about a month later I realized that I had feelings for him too. The problem is I don’t know what those feelings are. We have started seeing each other again and hanging out but I feel like we aren’t really thinking things through and I’m feeling very confused. He has made it clear that he still loves me and wants to be with me and I know that we have a lot of fun together and I feel like we know each other really well (the great sex doesn’t hurt the situation either) but I’m worried that the feelings I’m having stem from familiarity and being comfortable with him. I don’t want either of us to get hurt but I don’t want him completely out of my life. Is it fair to continue seeing him knowing that he has strong feelings for me and also knowing that my feelings for him aren’t as strong?
Dear Confused Guy,
I’m trying desperately to fight the urge to hit you with a hammer. Let me get this right. You have a guy who loves you, who you enjoy spending time with, the sex is great, and he’s willing to work through your indecisiveness?! Sweetness, you don’t need advice, you need an M.R.I.
OK that’s enough gay rant for now. Boo, so many gay men suffer from this unrealistic view of a relationship. Non-stop fireworks, dancing till dawn, exotic vacations, the white knight is shining armor? Give me a break! There is an old saying: “A relationship has less to do with gazing into each others eyes, and more to do with holding hands and walking into the sunset.” First of all, if you truly care for this guy, and I get that you do, and if you’re not sure of your own feelings, the let him go! You are doing him an injustice to him and to your own heart. Take some time to just be with yourself and figure out the language of your own heart. You can always try again in the future if he’s single and so are you. Too often people fall into a relationship without knowing themselves, and what makes them tick. More often than not, alone time allows us to gain perspective and clarity.
Second, of course it’s not fair! My lying cheating ex said one thing that was true: “Fair is something that comes to town twice a year.” He was from Middle America and I know fairs involved judging pigs, but the point is valid. Life and love are not fair. You have a chance to spend time getting to know yourself, as well as the person who you clearly have deep feelings for. Spend that time wisely, or before you know it, like so many other gay men who suffer from “upgrading” to the newest [boyfriend/phone/house/vacation spot], you will realize that you potentially let something great slip through your fingers. Get to know you babe, and I promise, without a shadow of a doubt, that your heart will show you the way!
Sending love out to you, Sugar!
Dear Idiot Queen,
I have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend for over a year. We met here in New York, dated for about seven months before he moved to Miami. We have a lot of fun when we are together, but the distance sucks. I have been down to visit twice (he hasn’t been back to NY) and I am starting to feel like it’s taking a toll on me emotionally. I can feel us growing apart, and the calls and the face time online are not cutting it. He told me to move to Miami, and stay with him till I find a place, but I just don’t know what to do. What do you suggest?
Sad in New York
My Dearest Sad in New York,
First of all thank you for calling me Idiot Queen! I LOVE IT! Long distance relationships are the worst! You left something out of your question: What do you want? You wrote about “he,” “him,” “we,” but what about you? Relationships are about compromise and working together. So why has he not been up to visit? Did he move there for work? Or just because he likes boiled chicken and being close to Cuba? Do you like living in New York? Is living in Miami something you would want to even try?
So many times people put what they want and desire on the back burner to accommodate other people, but that kind of living only leads to resentment and hurt feelings. Yes, doing things for other people is great, and in any relationship its not always 50/50 all the time, however, I advise you to take some time to think about what works best for you! You mention his “you can stay with him until…” Why didn’t he say, “stay with me and see if you like it down here, and then we can go from there?” You might have a clue there in his half-hearted invitation. You’ve got some tough questions to ask yourself before you make a decision.
Sidebar: I moved to Miami for a man a 1,000 years ago, let’s just say, I don’t do pastels.
Thank you Darling Ducks for all the emails and sweet words!
THIS IDIOT has seen it all and is here to help answer all of your life-in-the-big city woes. (And my club nights are fabulous—Sundays at Here, Rasputin on Saturdays, HOTROD and LipTickler at Micky's, and my newest Studio One at Ultra Suede) Are you struggling with some weird thing your man does? Is urban gay life eating you alive? Are you wondering how many piercings are too many? Are you seeing weird shit happen to your queer friends, something that you need a second opinion on MUCH LOVE KIDS!