Letters to My Brother
2.1.2012
By James Clementi
James (left) and Tyler Clementi / Photo courtesy James Clementi
You had a lot of growing up to do and a lot of baggage to work through before you could really feel comfortable with who you were. You’d roll your eyes at me and dismiss it with one of your “whatevers,” but it’s true. Libidos aside, when you told me you were only looking for hook-ups, I totally didn’t believe you. Sure, sex is amazing, but love is the best part. It was there within your grasp.
Dear Tyler,
I guess I never really told you how much I admire you, how much I wish I was more like you. We came from the same gene pool, the same family, the same town, the same schools, the same church, everything the same. But I always saw a confidence and strength in you that I didn’t
recognize in myself. Where did you get that? When I thought about where I was going to be in five or 10 years, I could never picture it -- my mind would be blank. But when I imagined your future, I saw the world at your feet. You were supposed to show me up, do it better than I could. I wanted that for you. I saw amazing professional accomplishments for you, but also personal ones. I know now that you felt so alone, but Jesus Christ -- you are so, so easy to love, with your kind eyes and gentle heart. I know so many people you had yet to meet that would one day love you almost as much as I do. Even after what you did, I cannot see you as a sad or depressed or lonely kid. To me, you will always be my sweet, tender little brother.
I’ve heard the story so many times: how you did it, the night you jumped. The first time, and every time I’ve been told about it, read it in a paper, heard it on TV, or dreamt about it at night, it still confuses me. I know you and I know that is not who you are. And that is never how I will think of you, alone and cold and at the end.
You are youth, potential just beginning to unfold. You are blood, my connection to the past, and my hope for the future. You are beauty, fleeting and marvelous. I know there was pain, and I’m sorry for that, but you were joy, too. Your voice, your smile, tiny hands clinging to mine. I will never let go.
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Comments
Only if the world was not so cruel and more like heaven, welcoming everybody with open arms.
That was absolutely devastating. For all that I've read about your brother, I realize that this is the first time that I've seen him as an actual person. I am terribly sorry for your loss. I hope the day comes when you don't dwell on what you think you did wrong by him. Believe me: everyone should have a brother like you.
"I can’t sleep, can’t hold a job, don’t want to be around friends or family, and pretty much need to escape my life."
This is what I hope for you, and everyone that loses someone they love too soon--that you can go forward and find something more in your life than grief, for your sake and for Tyler's.
If it's any comfort, for a lot of your readers, Tyler is not simply a news story.
...He's one of us.
So are you.
Be well.
I really don't know what to say. Thank you for sharing your memories of your brother. One day, this may stop someone from committing suicide by acknowledging how important and valuable he or she is to others.
I'm really at a loss for what to say but I wanted to let you know that I admire YOUR strength for writing this. I can only hope that people learn from your story. Thank you for sharing this tragically beautiful story with the world. I wish you and your family nothing but love and happiness.
Thank you, James... not only for writing so honestly and eloquently, but for overcoming the fears and vulnerabilities that you must have felt before deciding to share what you've written with the world. Tyler's life and death are so much more meaningful to so many more of us because of you. I hope you can once again sleep peacefully soon...
Tyler was lucky to have a brother like you, James. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss, and for our loss, the world's loss of this talented and amazing young man. And I am also very sorry that 40 years since I came out in college, it is still so difficult and painful to do so. Perhaps the death of this young artist will help people see that it should not be so difficult and that we need to be kinder to each other.
Thank you, James... not only for writing so honestly and eloquently, but for overcoming the fears and vulnerabilities that you must have felt before deciding to share what you've written with the world. Tyler's life and death are so much more meaningful to so many more of us because of you. I hope you can once again sleep peacefully soon...
James: This article and your letters to your brother so poignantly and accurately capture the depth and complexity of emotion that you're going through. Mostly though, we just really feel your utter love for him. Although I know you probably feel that you could never really capture him, you did him great justice in how absolutely beautifully this is written.
I hope you know, James, that Tyler was not the only talented one in the family. Maybe his talent was louder, but your writing talent is tremendously powerful.
I am thinking of you and hoping that your grief continues on a path toward healing.
Sorry for your loss...Your letter to your brother was awesome...You are not alone...
Thank you so much, James, for sharing your beautiful, tragic, intimate thoughts with us and the world.
I need to call my brother. I miss him.
Thank you for sharing.
My brother and I are so reminiscent of you and Tyler. Your letters to your brother are beautiful, sad, tragic, inspring. I don't know what I would do if faced with the same situation. My brother and I were raised apart, but our lives were amazingly similar. Even our personalities, likes, dislikes, etc. give more credence to nature over nurture. My heart goes out to you and your family. Remember, as you told your brother, You are NOT alone.
You are a wonderful writer. With all of the reporting of the far too many deaths of LGBT youth, yours is the first of a gay man who lost his brother. Thank you so much for revealing the wonderful side of your brother. Your words deserve to be much more widely read by young people who are be considering ending their lives, so they understand how much they may indeed be loved, and what they may miss if they choose to leave. thanks.