Letters to My Brother
2.1.2012
By James Clementi
Tyler Clementi / Photo courtesy James Clementi
You are on every talk show, newspaper, and blog, being held up as the issue du jour for the masses to “care about,” like they ever read you a story or wiped away your tears or spun you around in the air until you were dizzy. I wish it didn’t take you dying for your soul to know peace. I wish you could read the hundreds of letters we got, hear the thousands who rallied and marched for you, know the millions who followed your story on the 6 o’clock news. You were never alone; it just felt like it.
When you were here with me, you had no idea how important you were, and it took your death to make that point. Now you are gone. How will you know how much I love you, how much we all do? It’s not like you can read your big cover story. It’s not as though you can hear me crying.
SLIDESHOW: FAMILY SNAPSHOTS OF THE BROTHERS TOGETHER
Little Peanut,
I always thought that, between you and I, you were the stronger one. That’s why, as protective as I felt toward you, I never worried that much. I saw the best parts of myself in you. Of course, we looked like twins, albeit six years and a foot and a half apart. But -- let’s face it -- you were better. Where I dabbled (pretty pitifully) in painting, you devoted hours of every day to the violin since you were eight, then picked up the piano, and even taught yourself the freaking harmonica. Never one to be outdone, when I was biking a mile, you were unicycling two. Where I was shy, you were fearless. When I tiptoed out of the closet at 22, you were out and proud at 18.
I remember asking if you had a boyfriend, or if you wanted one, and you scoffed at me. “I just want to hook up.” That’s what you said -- and that’s fine -- but I think maybe you didn’t see how much more you deserved.
Sometimes I wonder who that guy was, the one in your dorm room. He doesn’t matter. You were so young, and there were going to be others. But in that moment, what did it mean for you? Were you bored, scared, over it, into it, what? Everyone knows their first, but who ever thinks of their last? I’m sure you didn’t even realize that it was the final time you’d be close to someone. He shouldn’t matter, but being the last gives him a strange importance. Did he make you happy?
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Only if the world was not so cruel and more like heaven, welcoming everybody with open arms.
That was absolutely devastating. For all that I've read about your brother, I realize that this is the first time that I've seen him as an actual person. I am terribly sorry for your loss. I hope the day comes when you don't dwell on what you think you did wrong by him. Believe me: everyone should have a brother like you.
"I can’t sleep, can’t hold a job, don’t want to be around friends or family, and pretty much need to escape my life."
This is what I hope for you, and everyone that loses someone they love too soon--that you can go forward and find something more in your life than grief, for your sake and for Tyler's.
If it's any comfort, for a lot of your readers, Tyler is not simply a news story.
...He's one of us.
So are you.
Be well.
I really don't know what to say. Thank you for sharing your memories of your brother. One day, this may stop someone from committing suicide by acknowledging how important and valuable he or she is to others.
I'm really at a loss for what to say but I wanted to let you know that I admire YOUR strength for writing this. I can only hope that people learn from your story. Thank you for sharing this tragically beautiful story with the world. I wish you and your family nothing but love and happiness.
Thank you, James... not only for writing so honestly and eloquently, but for overcoming the fears and vulnerabilities that you must have felt before deciding to share what you've written with the world. Tyler's life and death are so much more meaningful to so many more of us because of you. I hope you can once again sleep peacefully soon...
Tyler was lucky to have a brother like you, James. Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss, and for our loss, the world's loss of this talented and amazing young man. And I am also very sorry that 40 years since I came out in college, it is still so difficult and painful to do so. Perhaps the death of this young artist will help people see that it should not be so difficult and that we need to be kinder to each other.
Thank you, James... not only for writing so honestly and eloquently, but for overcoming the fears and vulnerabilities that you must have felt before deciding to share what you've written with the world. Tyler's life and death are so much more meaningful to so many more of us because of you. I hope you can once again sleep peacefully soon...
James: This article and your letters to your brother so poignantly and accurately capture the depth and complexity of emotion that you're going through. Mostly though, we just really feel your utter love for him. Although I know you probably feel that you could never really capture him, you did him great justice in how absolutely beautifully this is written.
I hope you know, James, that Tyler was not the only talented one in the family. Maybe his talent was louder, but your writing talent is tremendously powerful.
I am thinking of you and hoping that your grief continues on a path toward healing.
Sorry for your loss...Your letter to your brother was awesome...You are not alone...
Thank you so much, James, for sharing your beautiful, tragic, intimate thoughts with us and the world.
I need to call my brother. I miss him.
Thank you for sharing.
My brother and I are so reminiscent of you and Tyler. Your letters to your brother are beautiful, sad, tragic, inspring. I don't know what I would do if faced with the same situation. My brother and I were raised apart, but our lives were amazingly similar. Even our personalities, likes, dislikes, etc. give more credence to nature over nurture. My heart goes out to you and your family. Remember, as you told your brother, You are NOT alone.
You are a wonderful writer. With all of the reporting of the far too many deaths of LGBT youth, yours is the first of a gay man who lost his brother. Thank you so much for revealing the wonderful side of your brother. Your words deserve to be much more widely read by young people who are be considering ending their lives, so they understand how much they may indeed be loved, and what they may miss if they choose to leave. thanks.