Letters to My Brother
2.1.2012
By James Clementi
Tyler (left) and James Clementi / Photo courtesy James Clementi
I ’m not sure when I first realized my younger brother was gay. I think I knew he was for as long as I knew I was. I had no idea how to bring it up; it was just something we left dangling in the air, unsaid. I was open about my sexuality with friends, but around my family there was this barrier that felt unbreakable. It slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t the only one, that I had a brother who was also gay -- my baby brother, whom I had always felt protective and paternal toward. I knew I was in a position to be a confidant, a role model. But I wasn’t ready to do any of that. It would have made it much less lonely for me to grow up with an older brother who had gone through and understood everything I was dealing with -- and I wanted to be that for Tyler. I didn’t start to come out to the people in my life until I was in my early twenties, so I always thought Tyler would follow the same timeline and we wouldn’t need to address the rainbow-colored elephant for a few more years. I was terrified to talk to him, accustomed to secrecy and scared I would make everything worse somehow.
The summer after Tyler graduated from high school we made plans to see Toy Story 3 together, and I looked up the schedule online. I walked into his room without knocking to ask what times would work for him, and there was that awkward moment where he realized that I was standing behind him. I realized my little brother was looking at gay porn. Caught off guard, I acted like I hadn’t seen it, and I think he was initially relieved. But from this moment, there was a growing anxiety, an urgent pull from inside myself that was compelling me to talk to him, and I knew it was time -- probably way past time. I gave myself a day to stress out over the right words, the best place, the perfect time. And then I just did it.
SLIDESHOW: FAMILY SNAPSHOTS OF THE BROTHERS TOGETHER
It was the Fourth of July. We had spent the day at the movies, the diner, the fireworks. So many opportunities, and I kept chickening out. That night, I found him in the house listening to Katy Perry, and I saw that, if I couldn’t do this now, something was really wrong with me. I overthought it -- because it ended up being this simple.
Me: “I’m gay.”
Tyler: “Oh. Me too.”
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I read your interview, "In all that asking and my own pondering, I’ve decided we need to start asking straight men the question. Personally, I’m a little afraid to hear the answer and that’s why I so rarely ask it. I think the best thing I can do is just remind straight men that people will continue to get hurt, kids will continue to kill themselves, until there’s a change and homophobia ends. And whether any of us likes it or not, that change lies with them." YOU ARE SO RIGHT!!!
Your grief is personal, but thank you for being so open and sharing it with the world. I have no doubt that these letters will impact others to rethink their views on homosexuality and for us homosexuals to rethink how we need to be doing more to outreach and support each other within our community.
What marvelous words you have written in tribute to your brother. I hope he knew of your love during his life and I hope the memory of his fine qualities brings you some comfort in mourning. My heart goes out to you and your family and I think you for sharing these intimate, touching words.
So very sorry for the loss of your brother and the awful pain you and your family must bear. I was outraged when I first read tbe story of Tyler's tragic and unnecessary death. Become his voice. He opened the door wide for you and so many more. Don't let it close and dont let Tyler be forgotten.
If only Tyler could have called out to you in his hour of desperation....I am sure you could have given him the encouragement to overcome the hatred that was directed towards him.
My condolences
Hugh Somers
James,
Thank you for sharing that, I know it wasn't easy. I am someone who thinks about suicide often, and it hurts me to think that if I did go through with it, I could cause someone the pain that you feel. You've given me things to consider.
Thank you.
Anonymous: Please get some help. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. We all go through terrible times in our lives, and we think it's never going to end, but it can and does.
Please, find a good therapist to discuss what is happening with you so that you can put suicidal thoughts aside.
Please, there are people who care for you, just as people cared for Tyler, let us care, okay? Don't go away from us.
Please listen to Karyn. I've been suicidal. I've actually made a serious attempt. No matter how bad you feel, there is help. Please go ask for it. I didn't ask, and it almost cost me the joys of watching my sons grow up and become wonderful young men, just like Tyler was a wonderful young man, and just as I bet you are a wonderful person. Dying may release you from the pressures you are under right now, but what it DOES to those who love you is just as heartbreaking as losing you is. I don't know what problems you are facing that makes you feel like ending your life, but even the harshest ones CAN be overcome. Please, if not just for yourself, get help so you don't leave someone feeling the pain that Tyler's family feels.
No one knew Tyler the same way that his brother James did, the public just wishes that they knew Tyler; he could have been anyone's son or brother. I am certain that Tyler did not mean to hurt anyone. We may never know if Tyler was 'alone and cold and at the end'.
I am gay, and I was bullied too. That was decades ago, and I have healed a little bit.
I have struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide most of my life. I do not know how Tyler felt, but I have a perspective from a person who has struggled:
Perspective: When a suicidal person is in that dark, lonely place where they have lost all hope - what seems like the only alternative also seems so cruel: "just carry on as before".
Another words, do nothing, just keep living and accepting the realities of live that continue to bring hurt or pain.
Unfortunately, there is no middle ground where a person can just stop the world and take time-out from all of the complexity and chaos, and just hit the pause button, rest and collect themselves. There is no middle ground, no compromise with reality: you are either alive or you are dead.
Trust: Caring people are a lifeline, but only if a suicidal person trusts them deeply, for which another person might even be faced with unreasonable standards to build that trust. James probably feels cheated, that Tyler did not break down and come to him first with a tearful plea for help. There is a reason why many people do not; it is not necessarily anyone's fault.
A suicidal person usually needs more than one hour with someone to help figure out solutions for their life and have new hope breathed into them - and they know this all too well, they feel guilty about placing this burden on anyone else. Many people who are suicidal need someone in their life to take at least an entire weekend out of their own life, and go away to completely different place entirely, unplugged from all realities (mobile phones turned off and laptops left behind), with the closest person who they can confide in, who they trust to hold them while they cry through the pain that they feel and who will not judge or embarrass them. And just listen. And understand. And try to help. Whatever it takes with altruistic dedication to their well-being.
A suicidal person feels that this will be a big burden to someone else, in a structured world where counseling appointments are made weeks in advance, last an hour, and all problems on television are conveniently solved in the neatly-allotted 30 or 60 minute time-frame.
When a suicidal person feels like nobody cares (even if deep down, they know this it is not true, and know that other people really love them) they still decide to commit suicide, because they do not want to bother people with their troubles - which they know could really take a lot of time, energy, emotions and embarrassment. It can feel easier to just quietly go away, than to make a bunch of noise and bother people with their problems.
The person to help is not always easy to find in today's fast-paced modern world. When a person gets beaten down until they are emotionally-fragile to the point to where they can barely function - other people sometimes barely notice. They might ask, "Is everything okay", but the perception is that those asking, really only want confirmation that everything is okay, but run away if everything is really not. Many people honestly might not be okay to take much time out of their own lives. The fear alone of this response causes many suicidal people to never give anyone a chance to help them.
How do we bridge that gap between hopelessness, worthlessness and suicidal despair with finding that place where there is peace, understanding; where tears can be shed without embarrassment, where a suicidal person can be held and comforted by someone else with a genuine, altruistically-loving heart who is an equal - and also not broadcast their problems for the entire world to know, resulting returning back to their already difficult reality, only more pre-sabotaged with humiliation and embarrassment?
Fear of rejection is huge: It is difficult to explain to people the magnitude of where a person is and how dark their world has gotten, and hope in desperation that they do not hear a response like "sorry to interrupt, but can this wait, can we talk about this another time, I am really busy right now..?". For someone who is suicidal, they are so emotionally vulnerable, that they will respond, "Sure, no problem. Did not mean to bother you...".
Fear of people questioning their sincerity is huge: Many people who are suicidal are not going to say that they are suicidal, for fear of being labeled a drama-queen who is merely selfish, insecure and an attention-seeker. This is mortifying for a suicidal person to think that someone might even think of them as being insincere (let alone verbalize the same). Many are fearful of how well they will be received, it sometimes seems easier to spare everyone their troubles - especially if it seems like there is no solution anyway, and when a person feels worthless of having any value for having anyone try to help them.
Fear of overreaction is huge: There is no middle ground it seems: if someone talks of committing suicide, this does not always necessarily cause people to take their problems seriously - only their suicidal "threat" seriously. They sometimes feel that by disclosing suicidal feelings or intentions, then people will go overboard, making everyone feel uncomfortable which also feels insincere and melodramatic, as well as fears that they will lose credibility - when they really need it the most.
Sometimes there seems like there is no middle ground where they can be assured that a suicidal person will get the response that they need, not an overreaction that is ultimately humiliating - but not to be discarded either.
Fear of nothing getting resolved anyway is huge: If problems are causing much drama, then sometimes solving those problems can result in even more drama, so the only way out seems like just leaving everyone and going away.
However many or even most suicidal people want to find hope, caring and nurturing compassion, yet are so vulnerable in their quest to find it and navigate the field of: who can help them, how will they respond, do they have time to dedicate to them? Suicidal people loathe and fear rejection or overreaction to such a degree that coupled with worthlessness, then hope seems like a lost feather in the wind that they will just allow to blow away. They have lost hope to have hope.
I do not know what the solution is for anyone who is suicidal, except to patiently and methodically search carefully for someone who can help, and once a person is found with dedication and undivided attention, then ask for help.
No one gets to temporarily commit suicide on a trial-basis, live somewhere in-between heaven and earth, and look down and realize the power of peoples' love who are now ready to take that person seriously, passionately listen and understand and intently be engaged to advocate for them - and then be given the opportunity to come back and be greeted with open arms - and without any credibility lost.
Alone or not, in reality, a suicidal person feels alone. After a suicide, the rush and outpouring of love comes too late: a sad irony that it seems that it takes another person's death to get other people to actively engage loving them they ultimately never get to feel in their most emotionally-vulnerable moments while on Earth. It is sad that sometimes, until a person dies, only then are the nice words spoken that they should have heard while they were living.
James was a loving brother and did nothing wrong. The fact that Tyler did not go to him is not James fault: James most likely did not know the degree for which Tyler was troubled, and Tyler not going to anyone or trusting in anyone is an indifferent decision that Tyler made.
If only gestures like James to Tyler could be made while people are alive today, so that we know the value of ourselves in the eyes of others. It is possible that while loving gestures were indeed made to Tyler that he was too focused on the things that were hurting him that he failed to see the larger picture. It is possible that even when caring gestures were made to Tyler that he could not accept them, felt embarrassed or undeserving.
I have felt this way much of my life, darker during certain periods, alleviated during other times. I am not suicidal today, but like anyone else, unforeseen dark times could take me there in the future. I am not glorifying suicide, just telling people where someone else might be at in their thinking and feelings.
What keeps me alive are things like James Clementi's letter to Tyler. It is likely that Tyler did not necessarily realize the emotional consequences to other people in his life with his suicide before he jumped.
There are many people who love and care about me, sometimes I do not know why, but they do. I do not deserve all the love I have from friends and family, but I have it nonetheless. Sometimes I have even resented this or 'wished' that I had no one, so that I could leave the world. But there are too many people, that would be too devastated (and shocked) if I left. So I stick around and find happiness where I can and give people much of the happiness that I do not have for myself.
Suicidal feelings are like a heavy weight that one cannot escape, because gravity pulls then down and reminds you of a certain sadness rooted in an unsolvable problem that continues to cause misery, in a life that is already short and should be filled with joy, but otherwise causes hurt and pain, while you and everyone else is growing older and life is passing by.
Suicidal feelings are like rust that you can scrub away, yet it still keeps creeping back in when you least expect it, because of it is raining tears, which further corrode your life.
Is this a plea for help? No. I might not ever know how Tyler felt, but I at least have a decent idea of what it is like to be in the same dark place that he was before he died.
James' letter made me cry, because I would be afraid that someone who is in my life who loves me - a friend, a family member, even a relative - might write many of the same words to the deceased me if I choose the same path to end my life too. So I keep going and searching for hope in my life.
Thank you James for showing the depth of caring that people have in their hearts, by bearing your own soul to show people what love is. I know that other people who are loving and caring just like you are too, and because I do not want to hurt those who I love and love me too; I keep on living and trying to smile around others, even when I feel very alone in the world, single and separated by laws, borders and geography from the special one whom I love. James, you are the surviving hope for others who are struggling to find the will to keep living.
Sincerely,
Anonymous in Colorado
Anonymous, COLORADO:
Obviously, you know the pain of hurting and why some feel that suicide is an option. Reading the story about Tyler was heartbreaking, and the pain you have shared - also - was difficult to read. I never felt as "low" as to want to take my life, however, I do know the pain of being "different," for most of my now 50+ years on this planet. This is probably the best "treatment" I've read about the subject, from someone who's 'been there," ever. Again, thanks for sharing as you have. Your candor is amazing!
*********************************************************************************************************************
James: Thank you for sharing about your brother. In a way, I believe I know him, through your words. My heart is heavy about this, and has been, since I first heard the story. Though months ago, now, please be assured of my continuing thoughts - and prayers - for both you and your family.
Dear Anonymous, I think I have traveled along a path parallel to yours, and I can understand exactly how you feel. I know that what you have written is not a plea for help, but merely an expression of your thoughts and feelings, many of which I have shared in my own life experience.
There is something I would like to share with you, which has helped me immensely. I happened to come across this website: http://www.clinical-depression.co.uk
The site contains a "Depression Recovery Program", consisting of a workbook and a set of audio files that you can download free of cost. These materials have helped me immensely--in particular, the concept of the "depression cycle" and understanding the inter-relation between dreaming and depression. I would earnestly recommend these materials to you, and also to anyone else who has found themselves trapped in the throes of despair.
Best wishes.
Thank you very much, I have taken note and am reviewing website.
Sincerely,
Anonymous in Colorado
I've no words...I'm an older brother too and I cannot imagine the loss you and your family have endured. Thank you for sharing your heart and the memories of your brother. Reading this makes me so glad I just gave my little brother a big hug on Monday.
These letters and photos you shared are beautiful and show the love you have for your brother. I also lost my little brother to suicide 2 1/2 years ago...James i am so very sorry for your loss and i know the feeling of being a protector and having it just slip out of your grasp...but i know that both our little brothers are watching over us and now protecting us like we did for them. Thank you for sharing this and i admire your bravery in showing us your heart.
I lost my brother to suicide 9 years ago and have a book full of letters I have written to him. I admire you for sharing yours and they make me feel less alone. My heart goes out to you and your family. Tyler was so much more than a news story and I am grateful to you for sharing.
James, I am so, so sorry. I've read a lot about Tyler but now realize you feel for your brother the same way I do for my little sister, and that is a fierce and unfathomable love that I know is rare and true and precious. I am so completely sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to put it into words.
boys. dont. cry.
When my husband committed suicide the most memorable and soothing condolence I received was, "I hope this is the worst thing that ever happens to you." I hope the same for you.
Wonderful story. Thank you for sharing. It reminded me why I should be proud of who I am.
Thank you so much for writing about your dear brother Tyler.
Last year, as president of the ACLU NW CT Chapter, I helped organize a 3 part sessions on bullying, from within and from without, because of your brother....Tyler
Thank you...He will never be forgotten!!
Joe Mustich, CT USA, Justice of the Peace
I've been with my spouse, Ken, for over 32 years....
My heart breaks reading your letter James, Tyler sounds like a wonderful young man and I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Your letters were beautiful and heartwrenching and painful and despite the fact I've been crying like a psycho for twenty minutes, I'm so happy to have read them.
I know you have heard it, and I know a lot of it seems meaningless, by I am so sorry for what has happened. To your brother, to you, to your family. I wish your brother could be here, but wherever he is I truly hope he has found peace.
Even though we never met, I will never forget Tyler. His death affected so many of us who didn't know him, personally, because we never forgot the pressure we felt as teens. We had to fight for the right to be ourselves even as we were figuring out who we were, and that's a hard lot for anyone.
I'm glad that, at least, Tyler's story was one that galvanized the world to finally say enough and stop treating this issue timidly, and apologizing to those who are uncomfortable acknowledging that gay teens exist. Now we freely speak directly to teens online and tell them our stories, and the crusade against bullying is so mainstream that it even annoys the more cynical among us. What a problem, to have too many people jump on the bandwagon to tell teens that they are fine just as they are, and that they have good lives to look forward to. Let the cynical be annoyed, while we keep working.
I know all of that pales in comparison to having Tyler in your life. Thank you for sharing this remembrance and your letters to him, to let us get to know him a little bit more.
I wanted to write something to show how much your words and thoughts touched me, but I'm crying too much. Love to you and your family and to Tyler.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother to suicide almost 2 years ago. I'm sorry that your family has to endure that kind of pain, and I hope that in time, you'll be able to just carry Tyler's memory around with you without thinking about how his life ended.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother to suicide almost 2 years ago. I'm sorry that your family has to endure that kind of pain, and I hope that in time, you'll be able to just carry Tyler's memory around with you without thinking about how his life ended.
James, Thank you for sharing your thoughts and story here with us. I hope that someday, somehow, your family can find some sense of peace. I wish I could do more than just offer these words. Thank you for speaking out. Stay strong, and please let us know if we can ever help you.
Heart. Heart. Heart. It's all heart. Wide open. Thank you for your words.
I'm so sorry for your loss. As an older brother, I'm so moved by your letters and cannot imagine, don't want to imagine, what you've been through. God bless you.
Thank you so much for sharing. I hope this helps other troubled young people to understand how valuable they are even if they don't always here it from the ones who love them. Very touching.
Absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing. My heart goes out to you and your family.
Very touching and personal. Thanks for sharing. Blessings to you and your family in your loss.
These letters are amazing, you're such a wonderful older brother and it's felt in the words you write. I'm truly sorry for your loss, a younger sibling is a blesssing and I admire you for being strong. You are not alone eother, he will always be with you in your memories and in your heart.
Dear James, too many thoughts are now in my head, so I will just say that these letters are very touching and inspirational. I believe they have the power to save lives. Thank you for sharing them, you are really brave. My heart goes out to you.
As a mother of a gay man this touches the deep dark part of me to scared to think about. I am so sorry for you and your family you will be in my prayers. Please find strength and help others who too may be lost.
Beautiful
James,
I wish I had had an older gay brother. You're letter moved me to tears. I'm sorry for your loss.
The first time I heard your brother's story, I was crushed by the loss of someone so talented,handsome and young. Even now, as you share your most personal thoughts I wipe away tears. While I believe that the "It gets better" initiative is an attempt to help many of us through our struggles with bigots, it's really not enough. Honestly...it never really gets better. We get stronger and perhaps that's what makes it seem better. The bullying and prejudice continues everywhere and at every age. Tyler is our reason to carry on, to speak up and speak out for anyone who is different or even perceived to be different.Thank you for sharing your thoughts of Tyler so that his life becomes the beacon guiding us and not his death.
James, this was beautiful. I'm so sorry for our loss and I hope you are able to find peace. Make sure you take care of yourself and don't be afraid to reach out for help, including from a professional. I can tell you from experience that it makes a world of difference to ask for help. Please do so. My heart goes out to you.
What a touching letter(s) to your brother. It does sound like you blame yourself to some degree and you have to know that you are not to blame. When someone decides to end their life they must be in a very dark place in their life as the will to live in people is so strong even when they are diagnosed with a terrible disease. Tyler had to recognize that he needed help and needed to ask for help, but unfortunately men often don't feel that they can. You have an amazing writing skill and could take this skill further in helping other gay men and women reach out for help when they need help. I hope you are seeking help for the indescribable grief you are feeling so that you can move on and assist others in the healing process. Thank you for sharing your feelings and grief and all the best to you in the days and years ahead.
What a touching letter(s) to your brother. It does sound like you blame yourself to some degree and you have to know that you are not to blame. When someone decides to end their life they must be in a very dark place in their life as the will to live in people is so strong even when they are diagnosed with a terrible disease. Tyler had to recognize that he needed help and needed to ask for help, but unfortunately men often don't feel that they can. You have an amazing writing skill and could take this skill further in helping other gay men and women reach out for help when they need help. I hope you are seeking help for the indescribable grief you are feeling so that you can move on and assist others in the healing process. Thank you for sharing your feelings and grief and all the best to you in the days and years ahead.
Its so sad and disappointing that people take time out of their lives to hate and judge others. Its more disappointing to know that this has been happening more and more. Kids need to be taught to love one another and to respect each other. It's common sense. I'm so sorry for your loss. I only hope stories like your's will encourage people to change and make things better in this world. I wish love and happiness always:)
Oh, God. That was beautiful. I am so very sorry for your loss. Please, keep being brave. Your words are changing lives.
My condolences to James and the entire Clementi family. This is so sad.
Tears running down my face, it reminds me of my brother's suicide, and our last conversation. Thank you James, I know how you feel.
Thank you for sharing this most painful time in your life, I hope that it will save another family from the pain the you have suffered. It is a very sad that people treat each other like this. I'm sorry for what your family has had to go through. There are people in this world who want to stop this happening and together we will be successful.
My heart goes out to you, James, and to your family. Your brother deserved so much better.
I hope you find some peace, eventually.
Thank you so much for making your brother coming alive through words. Your story touched my heart. As a gay person in New York and as an activist, it is through stories, that people's hearts and their minds get changed. Please keep talking. If everyone kept talking about being gay, maybe there wouldn't be such a stigma attached to it. Also please keep writing. Thanks for your vulnerability. lots of love from NYC. You are not alone.
Thank you so much for making your brother coming alive through words. Your story touched my heart. As a gay person in New York and as an activist, it is through stories, that people's hearts and their minds get changed. Please keep talking. If everyone kept talking about being gay, maybe there wouldn't be such a stigma attached to it. Also please keep writing. Thanks for your vulnerability. lots of love from NYC. You are not alone.
Only if the world was not so cruel and more heaven, welcoming everybody with open arms.