Letters to My Brother
2.1.2012
By James Clementi
Tyler (left) and James Clementi / Photo courtesy James Clementi
I ’m not sure when I first realized my younger brother was gay. I think I knew he was for as long as I knew I was. I had no idea how to bring it up; it was just something we left dangling in the air, unsaid. I was open about my sexuality with friends, but around my family there was this barrier that felt unbreakable. It slowly dawned on me that I wasn’t the only one, that I had a brother who was also gay -- my baby brother, whom I had always felt protective and paternal toward. I knew I was in a position to be a confidant, a role model. But I wasn’t ready to do any of that. It would have made it much less lonely for me to grow up with an older brother who had gone through and understood everything I was dealing with -- and I wanted to be that for Tyler. I didn’t start to come out to the people in my life until I was in my early twenties, so I always thought Tyler would follow the same timeline and we wouldn’t need to address the rainbow-colored elephant for a few more years. I was terrified to talk to him, accustomed to secrecy and scared I would make everything worse somehow.
The summer after Tyler graduated from high school we made plans to see Toy Story 3 together, and I looked up the schedule online. I walked into his room without knocking to ask what times would work for him, and there was that awkward moment where he realized that I was standing behind him. I realized my little brother was looking at gay porn. Caught off guard, I acted like I hadn’t seen it, and I think he was initially relieved. But from this moment, there was a growing anxiety, an urgent pull from inside myself that was compelling me to talk to him, and I knew it was time -- probably way past time. I gave myself a day to stress out over the right words, the best place, the perfect time. And then I just did it.
SLIDESHOW: FAMILY SNAPSHOTS OF THE BROTHERS TOGETHER
It was the Fourth of July. We had spent the day at the movies, the diner, the fireworks. So many opportunities, and I kept chickening out. That night, I found him in the house listening to Katy Perry, and I saw that, if I couldn’t do this now, something was really wrong with me. I overthought it -- because it ended up being this simple.
Me: “I’m gay.”
Tyler: “Oh. Me too.”
Comments
Wow! This story from is just wonderful. As someone who lost two good friends to suicide 30 years ago that were not comfortable with being openly-gay to their family, I am so glad that James took the time to share this. The photos of Tyler Clementi as a youngster are wonderful photos.
James, I'm a gay Indian-American, born at St. Peter's Medical Center in 1974, just a few blocks away from Rutgers. You can guess that what happened to your brother has torn me up inside. I cried the first day I heard about him, and here I am, crying again tonight. I am so sorry - thank you for this.
Sincerly Thank you for sharing we loved the pic's. My husband and I shared with our son who is 8yrs old we explained the story to him.Hes a huge advocate for the gay community guess it helps ha to have two Dads that love him very much.
Michael,
Thank YOU. Thank you for falling in love with your husband. Thank you for the wonderful example you set for your son. My ex recently inquired as to "what the hell are we going to do with him if he's a f**" Him referring to our 6 month old son. DO with him???? I responded evenly and calmly: "LOVE him. Support him. FIGHT for him. And teach him strength, character, and humility. Michael, I strive daily to set an example highlighting the power of love. For everyone. I kept calm when responding to his father, because this isn't a Gay Rights "movement." This a human movement. And I will believe this firmly until someone can adequately explain just where it is these biggots believe same sex couples are moving to. Their basement?? No. Towards equality. And in MY America there is no room for the zealots to trample the Constitution with their intoletance. So may happiness always grace you and yours.
<3!!!!!!
first of all james, its a lovely piece, touching and beautifully written. i'm so sorry for your family's loss. its so tragic to consider how many lives were damaged and destroyed by one terrible and terribly thoughtless act. i doubt if the young people who did this to your brother intended to do such harm and yet look at the harm they did! hearts are broken in ways that will never be repaired! and all for what? if anyone is looking for the object lesson in this absurd situation, you don't have to dig very deep to find it. you have honored your brother with what you've written james. and you've given us all a wonderful example of love and forgiveness. i hope that is meaningful to you. thank you for sharing it with all of us.
James, thank you for sharing yours and Tyler's story. That took some courage, especially in the light of the fact that your parents do not really accept you as a gay man. So, perhaps it could be that instead of using terms like gay, lesbian, etc. it would be moral boosting to consider oneself a human being first, a male of that species, secondly and everything that comes after that including, prefers to be coupled/mated/married to another male or in the case of lesbian another female. Even the terms homo/hetero-sexual are misnomers in their descriptive sense. The ones who filmed Tyler and then published that are not so much monsters (how many of the young really consider consequences?), as they are products of their own upbringing and the society they belong to. They are symptoms of a greater illness, an illness that is terminal in some sense. Is this society ready to be healed of that illness? I hope so. It seems that is happening a little at the time.
It is my belief that your brother does hear you and he does know what you have written and he has an awareness of the impact his action(s) had on the world. So, don't stop talking to him until there really is nothing left to say (which could be forever). Be well and be beautiful.
like so many others who have written comments here, i was stunned beyond anything i had ever read when i learned of your brother's death and the subhuman cruelty that the evil woman and man who did this to him did. i could not believe what i was reading. i am also so touched by your words to your little brother, as an older brother of two younger brothers myself.
i find it amazing that neither of the two monsters who caused your brother to do such a rash and final thing (as a child, really, for 18 years old is SO, SO young that he couldn't have known or had the maturity to know that he would somehow get through the horror of what had been so animalistically done to him), were charged with murder. without a doubt, if HE were a SHE, there would have been major, constant, and national news, AND major charges against the perpetrators/school/town, think phoebe smith. the story continues to get constant airplay.
and it isn't young gay people we are talking about here. its MAINLY; almost WHOLLY young gay MEN who kill themselves, so this story is about young gary MEN, what should or can be done for THEM by the government who in so many other ways ignores everything and anything to do with men, except send them to wars to be killed or tell them to be "responsible", as if that's what most men and boys need to hear. how about a national message that supports that VAST majority of boys and men who are loving, kind, beautiful men and boys, and who NEED public funds slotted for THEm, just as today 99% of taxpayer dollars go to women and girl's needs.
the disparity is disgusting. maybe if routers had a STRONG integrated GLBT studies program, like every college has a taxpayer finder "women's studies" program, tyler would or could have found solace there; maybe if this stupid american culture stopped demonizing the 99% of men and boys who are JUST as lovely and caring as any women- tyler would have felt protected enough to reach out.
and, to the many,many other stories of 12, 13, 14 year old just beautiful and innocent young BOYS who have killed themselves since tyler did, but had it mentioned only as a short blurb on the news, god bless them....but more than god blessing them, this damn country needs to stop marginalizing boys and men, acting as if the 1% of rich powerful men (and their never spoken of wives who do nothing but spend their husband's billions) who do bad things, represent ALL men and boys, men and boys would be held as gently in society's hands as girls and women are.
even the ostensible gay ,men who have written so poignantly above about tyler don't note that this is a gay MAN'S issue, and MAN's issue, period, as the vast, vast majority of completed suicides are completed by males. and what does obama do, name men for being bad father's (huh?; as if there are not an equal number of bad mothers) and tell men to "step up to the plate; as if most boys and men don't. apparently IS daddy hunger, and the fact that EVERY president seems to have daughters, instead of sons, has contributed to the profoundly misandric/anti-male/homophobic society that we live in where 18 year old boys are STILL the only gender to be forced to sign up for the selective service, where the messages 18 year old boys (and younger) get are NOT nurturing messages, but rather, messages to get it together. its all so sickening.
my diatribe is not meant to take anything away from jame's heart wrenching story/lived experience, and the beauty of is little brother's unique amazingness; rather, its to add a dimension of REALITY to what, in part, may have led to his making this terrible excision; one made out of deep pain and humiliation, and understood as such. he was clearly among the BEST of what humanity has to offer, and, for some reason, people lie him are ALWAYS the first to go. meanwhile, he perpetrators will likely live until they are 100.
the twisted mysteries of life. god bless tyler and james together as one wonderful pair of loving brothers, who so obviously loved one another (as ell as their other brother and family), who but for the monsters who did what hey did, would still be here together.
Just a suggestion... when you are using 'voice to text' you really should go back and proof-read before clicking the send... there are so many places in your text where it's obvious that the 'sound' was mistaken for the intended word.
I am also a big brother. My brother and I are both musicians. We share the bond of brotherhood and the bond of music. I remember so many times listening to tapes of the band playing, and realizing that my brother and I were both soloing at the same time and NOT STEPPING ON EACH OTHER. The music was ethereal; the bond of brotherhood deeper than I have ever felt it. Love transcends even death. Keep Tyler aways in your heart. Its hard but in the end you have to know that this life is fleeting; you will see him again very soon. May the peace of all understanding descend upon you and comfort your heart.
I am a 42 year-old gay man who grew up in the midwest but has been in New York City for 17 years, out since the age of 18.
I thought of Tyler Clementi just the night before last, when I was approached on a popular gay dating website online by a 25 year-old gay man. My profile is clearly focused on looking for a long-term relationship--NOT a hook-up--but after a few Instant Messages back and forth with this guy, when I asked if he might be up for meeting for coffee, he replied that I was too old for him to seriously consider dating. Sadly, this is just the tip of the ice berg in the level of rudeness and immaturity i've encountered on gay dating sites, from men of every age, be they 25 or 55.
In the heat of the moment, I relayed to close friends that "the wrong queers are throwing themselves off of bridges, and I keep meeting the ones that actually deserve a helpful push." Dan Savage may have the right intention of trying to convince young (and often isolated) gay teenagers that "it gets better" once they come out, and I feel the acceptance of the mainstream society HAS improved over the years.
But the attitudes and disregard you discover once you're out in the so-called gay "community" can be far worse than any discrimination you might encounter from your heterosexual peers. Gay men need to show more unconditional positive regard for each other, and to nurture the diversity amongst ourselves. Instead, gay men can be the most ageist, racist and materialist snobs on the planet, and are as prone as anyone else to exploit the anonymity of the internet to be cruel and obnoxious. I'm not a wounded, helpless teenager who is going to take my life at this insult--instead I advised him, in the words of Blossom Dearie "If you don't like my peaches, why do you shake my tree? Get out of my orchard baby, and let my peaches be," saying that being 25 doesn't give him an excuse to be a prick tease and a douche bag.
But for the self-righteous gay activists who always point the finger at mainstream society--let's take a look in the mirror first and see what we, as gay men, can do within our community to foster better behavior online amongst ourselves, and realize we can be our own worst tormentors.
As the straight parent of a 50 year old gay son, I must say that the attitudes you talk about are not "gay". PEOPLE are "ageist...", not only gays. And as I've come to realize over the years (I'm going to be 80) gays, as wonderful as they are, are subject to the same shit as the rest of us. BUT, there are those SPECIAL people, gay and straight (like James and Tyler Clementi, and perhaps you), who guard themselves against being cruel, obnoxious, prejudiced pricks!
Aaron, keep looking for true love. we are out there looking too.
If you are really interested in a love relationship and not just sex contact me.
So very well said. Anything else I would say would just be repetitive.
Very well spoken, I am the same age as you and I couldn't have said this any better myself.
It amazes me, they think I'm not too old to get it up but I'm too old to date.
What I always end up telling telling them is "One day too, you will be my age." and I just leave it at that. Rather they get the idea or not, I can't say, I can only hope that it will stick in the back of thier mind.
I sit here reading through these tragic and sometimes revolutionary stories of brothers and love and all I can think about is my best friend. Nineteen years ago, they had a real bad argument, like brothers do, about something absolutely stupid which ended in a screaming match and my best friend telling his beloved older brother that he wanted him to leave, go somewhere else and just die (teenagers will do this kind of thing in angst). His brother left the following day to return to his duties in the Navy several states away... this was the last time these brothers would EVER speak as my best friend's brother was brutally killed days later at the hands of others. My best friend has NEVER recovered from this and I suspect that he never will. My heart, soul, spirit and mind just ache for him because I know deep in his heart he never meant to say the things he did, and now it's too late for him to ever take them back. Please, everyone, if you have family members, don't lose them to ignorance or stupidity... embrace, endear and treasure them.
Thank you for sharing James. Your touching account of your brother is just so beautiful. Stay strong and know that he is at peace. We know you loved him dearly and that your life will never be the same. I keep hoping that there will be no more bullies and people full of hate, but I can only dream of that day to come. My heart breaks everytime I read about young people whose lives tragically end because of their sexual orientation, race, religion. Ignorance is a terrible human flaw. RIP Tyler Clementi. Please keep his memory alive forever in your heart.
Dear James,
As an older brother myself I can sense a lot of what you are feeling but can't really know the pain you are holding inside. Your lovely tribute to your brother Tyler actually gives me some peace because, as I started reading it, I was deeply moved about what may have moved Tyler to do what he did but also incredibly concerned about your situation. As I read it I learned that you are an intelligent and self-aware person, one who sees the much larger picture and his place in it. My hope is that you will be at peace with all that has happened and be able to go forward. The world would be a colder, less generous place were you not here. Ciao.
Wow. Just watched a documentary today about 9/11. (Rising - Rebuilding Ground Zero.) In it Abe Zelmanowitz donates the recovered ID of his brother who passed away in the disaster to the 9/11 museum.
The morning of 9/11, Abe's brother did something unsual. Though they were close, Abe's brother hugged him for the first time before he went to work. Abe never saw him alive again.
Straight brothers or gay brothers, you don't realise how fleeting life may be. Men, brothers especially, should cherish the bond that they have and encourage their sons to do likewise.
Why on earth did I decide to read this at work? Im sitting here like a wreck now. Horribly moving and poignant.
I know in my life how it feels to want to go back and re-do things that could have been done better, said better, shared more deeply. But what I don't know is the love of a big brother that is as pure as yours is for Tyler. I wish this had never happened to you or to Tyler, or to so many others. But that picture of you with your arm around your little brother is indelibly etched in my mind as a moment when your protective love for him was completely captured in a moment. That will never go away. You are an amazing big brother.
I'm so sorry for your lost, James. I really do.
I do not know your brother, until I saw him making the headline in the news. I felt so terrible when I realized that another person is dead, because of bully. I'm lucky that I wasn't a victim of bully when I was in my college. I also realized that there are tons of people/students been bully for what they are. Handicap, skin color, sexual orientation, you name it. It a society endorse the bully, until something terrible happened. But in this case, it include someone's life.
I could go on and on about what I hate about this world. About how 'majority' of people treat, or look, at 'minority' people. They said we are weirdo. They say we are disgusting. And alot more that I would rather not typing here. But I like to think that this is not worth living for. Whats worth living for is that we fight for the things that worth living for.
A friend used to tell me how he fights for animal's rights. I told him that I won't do such thing, because I know at the end of the day, those animals will be treat and slain, in a way that most human being rather not see. But now, I can tell you that I will fight for something that in my mind is the right thing to do.
James, your brother is gone. And nothing you can do will make him come back to life. What you can do, is live the way he wanted you to live.
Be strong James, you have whole lots of army of people, marching behind you, supporting you and care for you.
And may your brother in peace.
Eddyson S. C.
First, I just want to say that I am terribly sorry that your family and you have had to go through this tradegy in the first place, that it takes truely heartbreaking and unbelievable things to happen before media, parents, teachers, coaches and whoever else has had the opprotunity to say, this is not acceptable, bullying has become something symbolizing so much more then I saw it as growing up. We can't just say the right things, we need to do the right things. We need kids to grow up hearing about what love means, not taught hated and this rude self rightiousness that i've seen. Our society needs to show our kids, show the next generation that we see nothing "wrong" with anyone choosing to spend their days and nights with whomever they please. So far all the posts i've gotten to read have been from members of the "gay community", and i understand that there has been a need to form a society of your own in a way because of the way that some have acted....the thing is I don't want that, I don't want anyone to feel like they are any better or any worse whether they be black, gay, blue, men, women, 12 years old or 120, we have to just get to the point where we put our energy into all of the problems going on right now and stop wasting time thinking about who's sleeping with who.
Devotion and unconditional love is what I can see and hear in your story about your younger brother, Tyler. I had an older straight brother and I know he tried to show me unconditional love, but I never got the message. I am grateful that you and Tyler had some honest time together. At age 66 I am a gay man who is alone and growing older without a long time companion. I was married for 21 years; iI came out at age 41; I have 2 children and neither of them understand or can give me what you gave Tyler. I have learned the lesson of acceptance and allowing others to be where they are - even though it hurts. I wish my family could read your story. Love to you, to your family, and to Tyler...He is not gone from this earth, but has taken another form and I believe he has found peace that he sought for so long.
James, your words are so touching and beautiful. I haven't read something so beautiful in a long time! I feel so privileged to read how you feel. I wish I could take your pain away. It's heartbreaking. I wish you so much love, relief, comfort and happiness. I think Tyler IS blessed to have such a wonderful,wonderful brother. I send you and your family lots of love. Bless you James and I do really hope in time life will be much, much, much brighter for you.
Thank you for sharing this. It was beautiful and very moving.
Just... wow. I can't even...
I don't have siblings, so I can't even begin to comprehend what you're going through right now, James, but I'm sitting here right now with tears rolling for both you and your brother.
I know you said you wished he hadn't been just another story, but please know that everyone here loves your brother, even though we never did and never will know him.
We love you, too. Thank you for this.
The words of this tribute is all that needs to be said.I wish you all the luck in the future,may you find someone that would make you complete,there are not enought words to express how sad this make me feel.I also hope that this tribute be read in time by others persons in the same situation.
I am moved, and humbled, and so grateful for these letters. And, I am so glad for you that you did come out to Tyler and have that to remember.
I can't stop crying when I read about Tyler. He's my kind of guy, somehow tender. I don't think many types of people, a large portion of the world, can really understand how it is to be sensitive, and vulnerable. I wish I had known him, cause I always had a way of choosing cute, sweet, appreciable friends, who, often didn't get the recognition for their good qualities they deserved. I've been very direct and forthright with some amazing guys I've known who couldn't see how great they were. Wish I could have been there. I have cried many a tear about this. It hits so many notes in my life. Tyler, rest in peace. It's sad how people in general can't know how much they are loved. I wish I could have helped. I think the roommate was basically a hard, cold narcissist. When you read the latest article about him detailing more about the situation, the guy couldn't stop commenting on everything he saw, everyone, as if his opinion was so important. The fact that he thought he was "hot" really shows how crazy and deluded and delusional his mindset was. I have known toxic people like that. To whatever degree. They can't see anything except with themselves at the center of it. Problem with this guy is that he projected his toxicness and was completely disconnected from any true, genuine connection with the world. He was obviously spoiled by parents would couldn't recognize anything functionally that would have protected the world from his toxic personality, and disconnect from reality. People like that are social sociopaths... Not killers etc, however, toying with others' well-being as if its fragility means nothing. I truly think it was a very, deeply unfortunate set of circumstances, with a toxic narcissist's VERY poor judgment to popularize a private video, more than it was an evil crime. However, with the results it produced, it was mildly evil. I am so sorry to the Clementi's, for your loss. I can't say how much my heart goes out to you and please know Tyler is loved, in a platonic way, in a deep human way, by many, and the down to Earth-ness of your family is appreciated, respected, and admired. Unfortunately, your son was paired with a toxic soul to whom that kind of menagerie is a dark sandbox to manipulate. I wish someone had been there for Tyler during those exploding moments of shame, since we all know at times it feels like something is so terrible, and we have good friends to realize its okay, and get us, help us get over it. And maybe once in a while protect us, have our back, when we need it. Tyler, peace. Tyler, and family, peace.
thank you so very much.
I am litterally blown away by the beauty of your tribute. Thank you for these lines. I hope your brother can somehow read them from wherever he is.
I'm middle-aged, straight, married for 36 years so far, and the father of two sons. I've been aware of the public face of this tragedy, and am glad to read the personal aspect behind the headlines. James, you have my respect for your ability and decision to articulate these feelings and share them in order to humanize your brother's legacy. I learned a very tough lesson when I was 17 and a good friend whom I loved very much was suddenly killed in a car accident. There were so many things I'd wished I'd said to him. Ever since, for all of my other faults, I've made every effort to let everyone I care about know exactly how I feel towards them, the good and the bad. Your best hope for relief in the rest of your life is to carry Tyler's legacy in your heart and try your best to adopt his openness and willingness to take risks in the name of love in all the relationships you have now and will have in the future. This way, the part of Tyler that you admired and wanted to emulate will live in you.
I ache for your loss and your awakening to the importance of letting those you love know exactly how you feel at all times. I mourn the loss of a talented, sensitive and loving human being that Tyler seems to have been. The world needs far more souls like his if we are to progress as a species.
It should haunt all of us that our behavior towards those we do not understand can drive some to suicide. We all have so much more growing up to do.
I wish for you and your family peace as you continue to cope with your brother's loss.
Take care, and thanks so much for sharing the real Tyler with the world. He is missed...
This is absolutely beautiful, a tribute to wonderful sibling relationships as much as you're own.
Please know it wasn't just Tyler who wasn't alone. It's you too. I wish you so much peace.
Gave me goosebumps. I'm a straight female and have no relation/understanding of gay bashing but this touched me in a major way. RIP Tyler. And James, you are f'ing awesomeeeeee and should be a professional writer! <3
My tears cloud my eyes as I write this. Your eloquent and heartbreaking ode to Tyler is one of the most touching and poignant things I've ever read. I can only pray that time will allow your grief to transform into something that uplifts and propels you forward. I hope that you can turn the most tragic of events into a celebration of Tyler's life in the most positive of ways. Make his life and your memories of him stand for something bigger then all of us. You have touched me so deeply that I am going to move forward taking every opportunity to to root out and challenge bigotry and bullying where ever and how ever I can . If the loss of your brother causes all of us to try and create an atmosphere and society where just one person feeling as lost and at wits end as Tyler did, finds there is hope and help and people who care...then
I have said it before and I will say it again...A young gay person lives the hardest life there is to live in the entire world.
Bless you and your brother.
For Christmas, my dearest friend contributed to the Tyler Clementi Foundation and they sent me (and him) a zillion gold rubber or plastic (who cares?) wrist bands. It says Tyler Clementi: Live and Let Live. I wear mine everyday and keep a bunch in my car. I make sure the text faces outward (upside down from being able to read it) to that anyone I come in contact with can easily read it and then we can talk and I can answer questions and explain things.
I decided that was going to be easy. No one has mentioned the wrist bands yet. But now I know, after reading James' letter that I am going to fall apart when I explain. And that's OK because it's not about me, it's about Tyler and all of them and the ones who haven't been born yet.
And James, you aren't asking for any advice because I think you feel too guilty to not feel responsible, but you need to get help (if you aren't already) because you too are beautiful and "marvelous" -- I haven't heard that word in years and I am going to use it more often when something is worthy of it.
Here is a video that no one has watched. It is very angry and is not warm and fuzzy. But there is nothing sweet or smiley about these tragedies. If anyone watches it and thinks it might be helpful to the younguns, please pass it on.
Right now, I have to deal with my tears and put more wrist bands in my car.
Thank you, James.
I just viewed your link and couldn't agree more. Except for maybe that last part about AC. I have no time for that empty suit either and like you I hate the media vultures who prey on these tragedies, but that may have been a tad over the line. Regardless, I want to emphasize something that you said, and I have written about on numerous occasions. Your video was the first time I have ever heard it anywhere other than my own mouth. "Bullying" is a prosecutable crime. It is physical criminal assault. And in some cases, possibly, sexual criminal assault. If what is being done to young gay boys was being done to young females the perpetrators would be yanked from school, and prosecuted, so fast it would make your head spin. Calling this crime "bullying" is society's passive contribution to the offense. The word "bullying" diminishes what is being done to these children in a way that makes it comfortable for society to ignore it and therefore allow it to continue unpunished. See Brandon McInerny: Assassinated a fellow 14 year old classmate, at point blank range, in the back of the head, and he skates off with a second degree murder deal, and 21 years. First degree murder is first degree murder, and criminal assault at school is criminal assault. Not "bullying". So, yes, video tape everything. Eventually someone will start to pay, criminally, for this behavior. In the meantime, collect evidence.
I thought that the link to the video I mentioned would be posted, but it's not:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqAGD3ush1I
Also here is the link to the Tyler Clementi Foundation:
http://www.thetylerclementifoundation.org/
Dear James,
Your heartfelt words about your brother have had me in full out tears since page one. The narrative is filled with so many tender & sweet recollections; showing us the multi facets of your brother’s gifts…. As well as your own ~ your aptitude for writing should be remarked upon.
Truly, thank you for the pure memories of two sweet boys discovering life together.
james, a beautiful, moving tribute to a remarkable person from an equally remarkable one. may each passing day bring you closer to the peace that you so rightfully deserve.
James; this is one of the most beautiful and touching things I have read in a long time. I can sympathise, as I was in a very similar situation as your brother. I was a victim of a bashing incident by my roommates a couple of months after arriving at UCLA as a freshman. I comtemplated suicide as a way out, but was afraid of not suceeding. After hearing about Tyler, I wrote an editorial to my alma mater's newspaper as I was so in shock that things like this were still happening.
I can't begin to imagine what you and your family has gone through, but I feel it is safe to say that Tyler has one awesome older brother.
http://www.dailybruin.com/index.php/article/2010/10/school_administrator...
James, I can't even explain how beautiful this is. I think you did the most important thing you could do as a gay man with a younger gay brother. You offered support in a way that means more than Tyler could ever possibly describe to you. I know there's no way to ever truly tell you how sorry I am for your loss, because Tyler sounds like he was a great guy.
What really got me were the photos. It's hard to watch someone smiling and so happy, and realize that they were suffering so. It couldn't have been easy for you, especially putting the photos with the stories. You're braver than I think I could ever be. I would have loved to have known you and Tyler growing up. You actually remind me a lot of my brother and I. We had a very similar relationships, and in fact, among the four of us, we share a name.
This is a most eloquent and moving tribute. I am almost speechless at it's beauty and heartbreak. I didn't know that Tyler had a gay brother. Much less that he loved Tyler so very much. James, I didn't know your brother, and I don't know you, but what you said to your brother here, and to the world, is true. Love IS the best part. If only your little brother could have held on long enough to discover that. There are no words to express the sadness and sympathy I feel for you and your family. I do know what it feels like to lose a younger brother who is also gay. But not to lose one in this way. My brother was taken, too young, by cancer. He had no choice in it. Tyler, for all outward appearances, seemed to have everything to live for. He was young, talented, and had a bright future yet to be written. I believe that there is something very wrong with the world we live in today. While we as gay people gain more and more acceptance and achieve greater legal and moral equality, we simultaneously seem to be growing our children up with less strength to withstand the cruelty and abuse they will certainly meet in society. When I heard about your brother it broke my heart to think of him so alone and hopeless. Like you, most likely, I felt that if I could have just had five minutes with him I would have been able to talk him out of this last desperate act. He had so much to live for. It is just so very sad. And now I have to say that I am at my breaking point. I can not bear to read about one more child taking his own life because of homophobic cruelty. I don't know what I'm going to do but this has to stop. We can not lose one more Tyler Clementi. We can not have one more grieving family go through this. We now live in an upside down backwards world where male children are bullied to the point of suicide. Then the world springs into action with the "It Gets Better" campaign. Which goes viral. Then gay teens make their own "It Gets Better" videos talking about how they felt close to suicide but now feel the strength to live on. And then they take their own lives anyway. Something is wrong. Very wrong. In an odd way I think we should not heal from Tyler's death, and the deaths of so many other young children. We should feel the pain of their loss every day, deeply, until we change the world so that this NEVER happens again. As much as your beautiful little brother deserved every beautiful word you wrote about him, there is a much larger issue here. This has to stop. The bullying (assault) has to stop. And the hopelessness has to stop. Tyler was trying to tell us something. We can't just miss him. We have to hear him too.
What a beautiful memorial to your brother! <3
Dear James, Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and memories with us in this beautiful letter to your brother Tyler. I am 58 yrs old and I too, have a gay brother. I am the "baby" brother. Reading your letter to Tyler made me think back to my relationship with my year older brother in that years ago earlier time at home, when our gayness remained secretive and unspoken between us. We were alike in so many ways, that I had wanted something that would have set me apart from my brother, something that made me "unique", that ONE thing that I would not have to share with him. I believed I had "IT" with my being gay. I had no inkling, whatsoever, that he was gay too.
I proudly came out to him after moving away from home and having my first apartment. He was quite emotional at my telling him, had tears, and was unable to reveal to me his own gayness..... ashamed that there were two gay brothers in the family. A year later, when he worked things out for himself about being gay, he was emboldened enough to come out to me. Never mind my total surprise at his "news", it was now my turn to react, and not favorably. What? MY gayness is what was supposed to make me unique, different, and set-apart from you, brother. You mean.... I have to SHARE this with you also? What should have been a moment of shared joy, was not, for me anyway. Time passed, I discovered my "uniqueness" from my brother in other respects and we are as close as ever today.
James, I hope everyone can take away from your letter to Tyler, an appreciation for the love of family, and a tolerance in society for everyone's "uniqueness". Sincerely, Jim Scios
James, may God take your pain away. Your story touched me so deeply that I can barely type. I believe Tyler will always be with you wishing you peace, love, and joy.
you are an amazing human. and im sure u brother was too. the world is a darker place without him. WOW. My heart goes out to u and your family. HUG!!!!
Hi James,
I've no idea whether you're reading these comments on your beautifully written & wonderfully moving piece here on OUT, but I so hope you are. My name is Jim Swimm, and I'm probably the first person to have seen your brother's body as it floated along the Harlem River. I've not had any interaction with your family, but I hope, if you've heard of me at all, that you can see that I've done everything I possibly can to honor Tyler's memory. My...interaction...with him that day, September 29th, 2010, changed my life. In many ways, I will be forever grateful to your brother for bringing to my attention the serious consequences of homophobia.
But, more importantly...I'm an eldest brother too. While my brother is not Gay, I can still identify with the feelings you've expressed here. I, too, feel as though my younger brother is stronger than me. I think it's that with which I most identify here. To be honest, I've felt that Tyler is my own little brother so many times, and I wish so much that I could have helped, that there might have been some way I could have done more.
But, sadly...there was not that opportunity. Nor was there for you. I just want you to know that there's someone out here who identifies with you, who can relate to what you're going through.
Take Care,
Jim Swimm