No Asians!
1.11.2012
By Alexander Chee
Illustration by Keith Negley
I more or less forgot about the Internet tricking grind. I’m happily settled with a man, and we don’t have one of those one-eye-over-the-shoulder relationships where we each wait for the other to leave the apartment and then hit the web for the day’s hookups. So it was off my mind until this summer, when a Tumblr, Douchebags of Grindr, launched with a storm of ridicule aimed at particularly egotistical profiles.
Much of the mockery on the DoG blog is reserved for the guys whose profile photos consist of Bentley keys and Black AmEx cards, or ones like the arrogant hottie whose profile reads, “I choose you! You don’t choose me!” But what caught my eye was that there was a special place in Internet Hell reserved for the ones who put NO ASIANS on their profiles.
The no asians proclamation is usually accompanied by no FATS/FEMMES/POZ, as if being Asian is something treated with a visit to the gym, doctor, or behavioral therapy. There’s a temptation here to try and litigate with the no asians crowd -- “How can you say you’re not into Asians? What about Harry Shum/BD Wong/Daniel Dae Kim?” -- but that’s really beside the point. Disturbing as it was to see, I decided to really think about it.
Last fall, Alex Rowlson, in his piece for Canadian gay mag Fab, wrote, “The culture of sexual liberation has been replaced by sexual segregation.” The thing is, if that happened, it happened a long time ago. Racial preference in the gay community is not new.
Twenty years ago, I moved to San Francisco after college and entered the bewildering maze of gay bars there that suggested gay life was more about race than about gender preference: There were bars for white men to meet black men, black men to meet black men, white men to meet Asian men, Asians to meet Asians, and so on.
This Balkanized sexual landscape presented certain complications. I’m half Korean, half Scotch-Irish. Inside of these strict scenarios, I disappoint the rice queens, as well as the snow queens.
I have sometimes passed as white to those who didn’t ask questions. I’ve had guys ask if I was everything from Swedish to Mexican or African American. If they didn’t ask, they’d engage in a guessing game. In the meantime, I’ve had boyfriends of many creeds. The only thing my boyfriends have in common is me.
Other men -- whether on Grindr or in their race-based gay bar -- are casting a fantasy, which can now be staffed from a website. They have more in common with Civil War re-enactors than potential sex partners.
I was never a fan of Internet sex in my single days. Most of the dates I had then struck me as more like online shopping than sex. It was like ordering sex off Etsy -- highly specific to the producer’s tastes and eccentricities, almost artisanal.
The guy who was really into nipples, well, that was all he wanted done. Ditto the guy who was into massage or the guy into role-playing. And the guys who were into Asian guys were really into them, about as much as the guys who were not into them and felt the need to write NO ASIANS on their profiles.
A glance at the commenter battles on DoG showed two sides: one saying it was racist to put NO ASIANS on a profile, and the other saying, “Preference isn’t racist!” This discourse soon led to the laughable claim that Asians were trying to “guilt-trip” hot white guys into having sex with them. Here’s the thing: It’s just not the same as someone advertising an interest in Asians.
And it’s not racist to not to be attracted to Asian men. I’ll be the first to say desire is not a democracy, but a dictator. Sex is not fair; it’s just sex. But race-based rejection was, in the old days of real-life cruising, silent. Likewise your reaction. If someone rejected you because of your race, you didn’t usually hear about it unless you pressed your case. But men who put NO ASIANS on their profile are not stating a preference.
If your profile reads “I block more Asians than the Great Wall of China!” you’re not only racist, it’s even weirder than that: You’re looking for a fellow Asian hater to date. You’re using the disguise of a semi–socially acceptable way to say you’re a racist and looking to hook up with other racists. That’s fine. Just change your profile to RACIST, SEEKS SAME instead.
Comments
Gays are fighting for marriage equality, which is trying to be accepted by majority, straight society. Meanwhile, like homophobic straights, they are similarly discriminating a minority group within their own community while claiming they have right to discriminate.
Their saying "marriage equality" or "legalize gay" is quite hypocritical.
If you are filtering for penis size, this is a logical measure.
Nope. Asian penises come in all sizes.
You are offending a certain race publicly while liking "no Asians" posting, so you are obviously admitting you are a racist and "no Asians" is racist, too.
Interesting, then how will you give excuses for filtering blacks?
As an Asian gay man, I'm not being bothered about people who posted "no asian" on any dating/hook up sites.
There are some people who do like asian, and some who don't.
Personally, if they don't wanna talk to me, then i don't have to talk to them either. it's fair, right?
I won't make a big deal outta it. Com'on, why think too much! ... make life a lil easier.
Not that they are the only gay population on this planet.
Sadly, you just want to avoid the problem. Let's face it. "No Asians" doesn't just mean they are not interested in dating Asians. They exclude Asians in their lives, seeking the same racists to make their group bigger, segregating their hate group. You can't even talk to people if you are Asian, then.
Asians are minority, making up of less than 5% of demographics of the US. Suppose only 10% of other people are anti-Asian racists, then there are fairly double size of them, who are willing to hurt you any time. Can you still say like "if you discriminate me then I will, and it's fair." kind of thing? It is not already fair from the demographic makeup.
So, let's make life easier? It's not making your life easier, but you don't want to face the uncomfortable truth.
1. "No Asians" comment not only hurts Asians, but also other group of people interested in Asians. Blatant gays ranting their anti-Asian attitudes prevent and discourage other people in their group not to reach Asians.
2. Excluding certain group of people often comes from their personal insecurity. Those haters feel better by excluding those people, watching they suffer more than them. Furthermore, anti-Asian gays often want to get out of negative stereotypes of gays, so they prey on the easiest targets to blame in their own gay society. "No Asians" is not a preference, but a simple hatred to a certain race, so deserves to be called out as racist.
3. Those anti-Asian gays usually feel inferiority from the mainstream society. They worry they may be too deviant if they don't dig the most mainstream. They often think being gay is deviant enough already, so comments like "straight-acting", "no fems", "no Asians", or "no blacks" are so prevalent. They want to compensate their being gay by digging white, straight-like men idealized by the mainstream society. "No Asians" comes from the haters' own internalized inferiority.
“I block more Asians than the Great Wall of China!”
What will you think if the comment is:
"I block more Jews than Auschwitz concentration camp!"
I can't be amused by that comment, but I guess a lot of people here would be.
And a lot of people here would also think that comment is not racist, but just a preference.
No Asians in the North East, no Blacks in the South and Latinos forget it somewhere else. In five more years when we're are still fighting for equal rights I'm left wondering who will look back at this post and find the reason as to why. We are fags not because we suck dick, give or take dick but because we are to coward to realize we are dicks and we're fucking ourselves in the long run.
Preach on... gay men are soooooooooooooo uptight......and always alone...wonder why?
Combating racism? Great.
Saying that being fat, feminine, or positive are conditions that can be completely cured? F*ck You, Alexander Chee, you're just as bad as the racists.
thank you.
My pbrolem was a wall until I read this, then I smashed it.
like Alex DeLarge and eggie weggies
Gender-->Sexuality-->Marriage rights-->No Asians(?). Serious bro? What's next?
Let me give you M.O. on navigating the hookup scene as an Asian male.
First off, I NEVER reply to a personal ad that doesn't specifically say they're looking for Asians. Even if an ad says "race open" or doesn't specify a racial preference. Why? Because I believe that Asians are the lowest rung on the social scale, and if a white, latino or black guy replies, the poster will go with them instead.
Does that make me self-loathing? Absolutely. I'll tell how I got this way. When I type in "Asian" into the search box expecting to find guys into me, instead I open post after post that reads "no asians," "asians, yuck," "not into soy sauce," or my personal favorite "into all races... except Asians."
That continual, negative reinforcement has made me feel worthless, undesirable. When someone posts they're "into" all races except my own, I feel like I'm nothing. Yes, suicidal thoughts have even crossed my mind. I sometimes imagine in my next life I'll be white and good-looking.
How lovely it must be if you're white. It must be nice to cruise ad after ad where you're told you're desirable, you're wanted; to see media images that you can attain (I can never be a blond, six foot, Sean Cody type). How nice it must be not to have to filter ads, each one making you feel worse and worse. How wonderful it must be to never see "no whites."
And so what if an Asian guy does reply to your ad. Is every white male that replies to you ad your type? Is every single one attractive and a match? I highly doubt it.
Listen, if you're not into me, no problem. But as other readers have posted, state what you want, what you don't. And if an "undesirable" Asian guy happens to reply, simply hit delete.
There's power in words, and a simply two letter word like "no" can cause such pain.
You are beautiful in every possible way and don't let anyone make you think otherwise.....Remember how u stood up to the bullies when you were younger and made it through; these racial slurs, you will make it through again....
Gay/straight, white/colored, you will always find people who are not even worth a penny.....just take this opportunity as a help for you to skim through these obnoxious pricks and find your match....
After reading many of the comments I have realized how many caring individuals there are who are also socially responsible advocates. They all raise good points and I appreciate their sharing of their individual and collective wisdom.
What comes to mind is the fact that in this world we live, in our society there exists many people who have unflattering personality make ups that others would find repulsive.Just like the old saying ...beauty is not only skin deep and in the eye of the beholder, we must remember that those who choose to discriminate specifically others based on physical appearance already show traits that are undesirable to others who are looking for inner quality in a person.Although I don't feel sites should allow this form of discrimination just as those days when local rags started to prevent such ads from appearing in personal columns I think we should keep I'm mind that this is a two way street and it let's us know which ads are definitely Mr. Wrong!!!
I feel your pain. I have faith that one day you and I and our fellow gay Asians who are in this situation will find someone truly amazing and worthy of us. Keep your head held high and never let anyone make you feel inferior. Much love.
I worship hot asian men.....
Oh hell yes! I'll take a nice smooth Asian man over almost anybody else.
me too ! love my Asian boys
Thai boys are the BEST, now is that racist? to pick out the group of "Asians" you want to be with?
Kind of like a flavor. Thai, Vietnamese are the best, while like Indian food, Indian boys are my least favorite. hmmmm,
Ahhhh- but you haven't met the right type of Indian guy yet
Wow. we're just figuring this out now? Gay men have been doing this to Blacks and Latinos forever. Then it became popular to date Latin guys. So now they're acceptable. (Provided they act straight)
On the other hand, They're are whole clubs that are Asian Gay Clubs and they don't even feel the need to be inclusive. I guess i'm not seeing the whole point of this article other than pointing out the obvious.
I think it's something that will soon be moot with the influx of Asian populations (and mixed race gays). It seems like in NYC at least I see more Gaysians at every turn. As a fellow half-Asian, I've seen my fair share of such prejudice online and elsewhere, but on occasion have been told I don't count or people forget that I'm Asian.
Personally, I've always wondered about the source of ethnic tastes, since I've not often been attracted to my fully non-white counterparts, but certainly would not prejudge based on race alone.
I don’t agree. Specifying who you certainly know you are not attracted to saves time. Let’s say the site it’s really open and there are (biological) women in the mix, it would be fair enough to say “no women” in your profile, it does not mean that you hate them, that you are a misogynist.
It is true that in the U.S.A. they are obsessed with the race tags, it’s almost overwhelming to see how they feel compelled to identify themselves with certain groups, and people even go to extent of recounting the most ancient genetic “accidents” (my great great grandpa was half Eskimo) or even consider themselves part of a completely different group just by that very almost anecdotic fact (blond eyed white people who only speak English considering themselves Native Americans). And it is because of the big importance it seems to have to explain yourself through racial profiling.
In the end you are all Americans to the outsider, and you don’t know it or don’t want to know it. And it has been your work to make appearance a concept dependent on “race”. That’s also why Americans have a hard time when understanding Hispanics, who happen to be diverse.
Most Asians have infatuation on white guys. In Asia, plastic surgery is very popular because most Asians think the more someone's features are like white people, the prettier he or she is considered. Asians prefer the fair skin. Many Asian stars are popular because they look like white guys. Why?
Colonialism.
There is NOTHING wrong with putting "No Asians" on your gay dating sight profile. It's the same thing as putting "No Women". I'm not attracted Asians, Blacks or Latinos. Big whoop. I'm not attracted to women does that make me anti-female; sexist? I respect someone for being upfront and blunt. I've wanted to hit on hot white guys (what I'm into) but reading their profile it states "BLACK GUYS ONLY" so I pass on through. Respect.
Putting 'No Asians' in your profile excludes a pretty wide swath of people, from Arabs to Japanese. That being said, it shows a certain lack of tact and politeness. If you're not interested, you're not interested. But to single out only Asians means you think their cultures, languages, education, backgrounds and their way of carrying themselves is so desperately inferior to yours that you HAVE TO advertise your disdain for them. It is sad because it shows you have no class.
In the same way that you respectfully passed over that guy who wrote "Black guys only", it would be better if you wrote "White guys only" in your profile. When you put "No asians", you're saying "everyone welcome except asians" which is very racist. It is not the same as putting "no women" because you're stating the obvious (since you're gay).
Not at all. There is a difference between saying "I'm gay", and "ALL WOMEN DISGUST ME" however. One indicates a preference, the other indicates you're a dick. The same with putting NO BLACKS ASIANS AND REDHEADS in a profile. If you've never been attracted to an someone with that race or ethnicity, thats fine and dandy. Saying you'll never be and are so turned off by them that you won't even entertain the idea or have a conversation with someone of that background says a lot about who you are as a person. And yes, its fair to be judged on it. Racist seeks same.
My first ad (pre-internet) said "GWM seeks same". I wrote it that because that's how everybody wrote ads, and I wanted mine to look normal. (OK I was shallow) After I met a black guy, I realized what effect something like that can have, and the stupid restriction I had placed on my own potential. I've never done it again. Thing is, it isn't necessary to say "No Asians". It's only necessary to take each guy one at a time and decide whether he might be worth taking a chance.
If the internet scene gets too busy and impersonal, do what I did and get the hell off. The traditional real-world ways may be slower, but trust me they work. And they work without any ugly "Keep Out" signs.
I think having sex with white guys can wait. We Toronto gay minorities have more pressing issues like the gay white ppl making dirty faces at us in elevators, gyms, YMCAs, HRs and basically anywhere they see us. This does not happen in Montreal or NY or SF. Also I think the problem is gay village itself. As long as the society will be based on the premise of sexual pref and liberty, the bath house culture will spill on the streets where smiling at someone is equated with invitation for sex. And in places as racist places as Toronto downtown this will always manifest in racism
I don't believe having a racial prefrence is racist. I guess we'll just have to post ".... whites, blacks, middle eastern, european, canadian, indians, and martians perferred...."
Or you could just say "...seeks same", which would look a lot better. We all like guys, right? Leave room for interpretation, then hook up with whoever turns you on.
dang baby!!! racist seek same!!! way to put the headlines!!!! well, the sad thing when the community bashing gay but its the gay's doing it not the public ... shame oo shame here we go again!! sigh!!
SAME SHIT DIFFERENT YEAR!
Out has an article on race in dating. Of course, there's also a slideshow with their "favorite men." of Should I be surprised that none are Asian or black.
The thing I've noticed on dating sites is that some Asian guys can be quite indefatigable and even insistent. Sometimes a poilte and gentle 'no' is ignored. That might be why a lot of profiles on these sites are often blunt. People lose patience.
I guess I'm too generic, or something. I've yet to see a photo, or meet, a gay man, of ANY racial persuasion, that did'nt make ol' Russel the Wonder Muscle twitch, at least a little bit. What was it that dear Auntie Mame told us? "Life is just a banquet ...". How true, and yet so many people are just content to wait in line at Mickey D.'s drive thru. God gave us diversity to celebrate, not to feel threatened by.
Okay, that's pretty much the best comment I've read! HILARIOUS and so TRUE!!! I personally don't have a racial preference. There are many colors in the crayon box and I want to color with all of them!!
Amen ! I just dig gay men. Any race will do please.
This kind of bs. Too many assh***s and I don't mean the fun kind. I'm opting out. Rather play straight than hook up with one more shallow mfer. And when it's not shallow it's fetish. Now we have grindr dipwads who will screw anything with a pulse but think they have the right to discriminate. F it all.
If you are Bi and prefer women because they are more relationship oriented than many guys, well great for you and good luck in your relationships. But if you are only truly "playing straight," my guess is you will likely be miserable or end up cheating on your female partner like so many married gay or bi guys do. And, if you are only changing teams due to your general disgust with online hookups, you might want to try some other ways of meeting guys: actual dating sites (like Chemistry or okcupid, for example), sports teams, volunteering, or throwing some parties and inviting your single friends and their single friends. There are so many ways to meet other people who are not into hookups...just give it a chance, and good luck.
To read Canada's fab magazine article from October 2010, see...
http://www.fabmagazine.com/story/not-just-a-preference
check it out, folks:
http://littlekiwilovesbauhaus.blogspot.com/2011/10/work.html
I lived in Los Angeles and New York where the "no Asian" mantra was prevalent on hookup sites. Now I live in San Antonio, Texas and here it's "no blacks." Go figure
Embrace your racism! The truth will set you free! And while you're at it, throw in a little ageism and intolerance for anyone with political opinions different from your own.