Illustration by Miss Tiger
Why is it that so many guys only think about body grooming when it pertains to either sporting designer swimwear or dating someone new? Little do they know that too much (or too little) body hair can hurt somebody! Just ask my good friend. When he and his new boyfriend decided to consummate their courtship, my friend learned more than his man’s hotspots that night --he also realized that not all visits to the ER are covered by insurance.
Although his man’s endowment left a lot to work with, their roll in the hay came to an abrupt end when one of those pubes got caught in the back of my friend's throat. Fortunately, he had a skilled doctor on speed-dial. After an embarrassing throat plucking, a mild painkiller, and a three-day JELL-O diet, my friend was back to his normal self, but he may never get busy in dim lighting again. At least, his boyfriend now grooms his nether regions on a regular basis.
I'm only sharing this story with you because I receive all sorts of questions from people needing advice on just about everything having to do with sex, and that includes what to groom beforehand. Let’s take a look at some of these hairy situations:
Dear Miss Tiger,
I’m dating the man of my dreams. The relationship and sex are amazing! The only problem is that he wants me to trim down my pubes. He says it’s more hygienic and that I’ll even look bigger. I just don’t want to feel bald! Any advice?
Dear Can’t You Take A Hint?
The man asked you to do a little weed-whacking... not mow the damn lawn! FYI, nobody wants to be spitting pubic hairs like watermelon seeds during a Fourth of July picnic. Buy a trimmer and get to manscaping! Your pubes aren’t a botanical garden, so keep the shape simple and natural, avoiding landing-strips, pentagons, squares, and inverted triangles. Helpful hint: Invest in a trimmer that’s lightweight and cordless, like the Wahl Li+ Trimmer ($44.99).
Dear Miss Tiger,
Will you help me with something personal? I’m considering bottoming. I want to make sure everything feels out of this world for my new boyfriend. Should I shave my crack?
Dear If It’s Gonna Be Out Of This World Then Make Sure There Aren’t Any Oncoming Asteroids,
I don’t think you’re any more skilled at shaving your crack than you are at bottoming, so leave this one for the professional hands of a skilled waxer! She’ll be up in your business more than your new boyfriend ever has, but this is one area you shouldn't shave. Razor stubble will have you digging at your crack like a scratch-off lottery ticket! A lot of hair removal salons now cater specifically to a male clientele, so there's no reason to be embarassed. Embrace the pain, and keep in mind that it won't hurt as much after the first time! Follow your waxing session by switching to a mild, organic bar soap to soothe your now bare skin. Plantlife's Ambrosia Aromatherapy Herbal Soap ($4.95) is heavenly, and my personal favorite.
Dear Miss Tiger,
My legs are hairy. It seems like guys want me to be smooth. What do you think?
Dear '80s Realness,
Boo, there’s always someone who enjoys being a human lint roller. Embrace your caterpillar legs! If you get the urge to try something new, do it the right way. Begin by clipping down excess hair, and follow with a close shave. Buy a shaving cream that’s fragrance-free and non-comedogenic, so that it won’t clog your pores. Aveeno Therapeutic Shave Gel ($4.20, 7 oz) is one of my favorites on the market. Use it with the new Gillette Body Razor ($8.99) and you’ll be newborn smooth! Helpful hint: Don’t try this with a 99 cent bag of razors or your cheapness will cost you a fortune in pain and suffering!
Dear Miss Tiger,
I was flirting with this dude on the subway. When he grabbed the rails, I noticed his underarms were overgrown. He asked for my number but that hair was a turn-off and I got out at the next stop! Was I wrong?
Dear At Least He Had On Deodorant,
Let me ask you this: If the movie trailer isn’t any good, why waste your money on the ticket and the popcorn? But back to the underarm hair situation. This area is often on public display during the summer and at the gym. This is a sensitive area, so guys, you may want to think twice before waxing it. Go with what feels comfortable in social situations. Whether you shave or trim, remember to wash your armpit with a deodorant soap. Get yourself some ol’ skool Irish Spring Deodorant Soap ($3.49, box of 3) for this and other private parts: Their 12-hour deodorant protection is a must in the summertime. Helpful hint: When it comes to underarm hair, less is really best, hunty!
Miss Tiger is a writer, actor, and radio and television performer. Her brand of advice, Your Favorite Bitch, is featured on SiriusXM radio and in several magazines across the country. She is currently developing a television show and designing her second T-Shirt collection for Momotachi.
Send Miss Tiger your questions at FavoriteBitch.com and on Twitter at @MissTiger