Ellen DeGeneres Hired as the Face of JC Penney, Conservative Group Gets Mad

OK. So JC Penney (or, as I used to call it, Jaques Claude Pennier) hired Apple bigwig Ron Johnson a few weeks back to help overhaul and rebrand its withering reputation. As part of its makeover, they've hired the lovable Ellen DeGeneres to be the company's spokesperson. Seems harmless, no? Au contraire, mes amis. One Million Moms—a branch of the American Family Association—is not happy with this decision. They think that hiring an "open homosexual" will alienate their customers. On their website, they explain their problem with choosing DeGeneres:
"Recently JC Penney announced that comedian Ellen Degeneres will be the company's new spokesperson. Funny that JC Penney thinks hiring an open homosexual spokesperson will help their business when most of their customers are traditional families. More sales will be lost than gained unless they replace their spokesperson quickly. Unless JC Penney decides to be neutral in the culture war then their brand transformation will be unsuccessful.
Their marketing strategy is to help families shop and receive a good value for their money. Degeneres is not a true representation of the type of families that shop at their store. The majority of JC Penney shoppers will be offended and choose to no longer shop there. The small percentage of customers they are attempting to satisfy will not offset their loss in sales."
OK, first of all, moms, the G in DeGeneres is capitalized. Secondly, get over it. If you're pissed that Ellen is doing a song-and-dance for the retailer, then go buy your ill-fitting sweatpants elsewhere—TJ Maxx and Ross are probably a stone's throw away at the nearest strip mall. These moms have seriously got too much time on their hands, complaining about my girl Ellen. She's just trying to shake the money tree, and collect a few pennies that shower down upon her, and you know I love a lady who hustles for her money. Portia's dresses and tresses don't pay for themselves, you know. And maybe bringing on DeGeneres as a spokesperson was in reality a savvy move to shed the retailer's current cadre of lame, uptight, shoppers . If that's the case, it looks like they're on the way to achieving that goal.