'All Stars' Ru-Cap: Queen By Day, Drag Queen By Night
By Evan Lambert
Ru Paul's Drag Race lip-synchs can be dramatic — but usually only because one of the queens has done something slo-mo worthy, like rip off her wig or lug someone over her shoulder. Certainly, it's never been because the two queens were incapable of movement due to incontrollable weeping.
Like, seriously, Rujubee? I mean, I feel for you girls, but y'all were balling like somebody had assassinated Lady Gaga, destroyed every existing copy of Wizard of Oz and cancelled the entire Real Housewives franchise ... ALL AT THE SAME TIME. Even Ru looked like she had a hint of a tear in her eye — and I'm pretty sure Ru never cries, since she's an omnipotent goddess and goddesses don't cry. In any case, that thing you two did managed to save both your butts for another week, which means that the final episode of Drag Race will feature — not three — but four queens vying for the top spot. It's gonna be a what? GIRLFIGHT!
P.S. Jujubee, I love how after crying for five minutes, hyperventilating and collapsing into an inconsolable mess, your explanation to Raven was: "You're so pretty." GIRL. I actually did the same thing the other day — i.e. fall to my knees, cry inconsolably, and mumble "you're so pretty" — when I went to the drug store for Twinkies after finding out Hostess was going out of business ... AND THERE WAS STILL A BAG OF TWINKIES LEFT. It was the most beautiful and inspiring thing I'd ever seen.
P.P.S. The Hostess execs have decided to work out their company's kinks rather than give up right away, so they might actually stay in business! Best news of my life.
Anywayyyyyyy, after revisiting that super-dramatic Lip Synch for Your Life, it's a little difficult to rewind and recap the rest of the show. But honestly, how could I not address the amazingness of seeing the queens shoot hoops like pros while decked out in booty shorts and school-girl skirts? (Well, I guess I should qualify: Rujubee shot hoops like pros. I'm still not sure Chad understood the concept of landing the ball in the net, and not somewhere behind it. I mean, get it together, right?? Any self-respecting queen took a break from playing with Barbies long enough to throw at least one ball during her childhood.)
The queens' next challenge had them donning superhero/supervillain outfits and showing off their alter egos on the runway, complete with backstory. This is where they lost me. Does Chad's alter ego, Firecrotch, literally just fly around rejuvenating vaginas? I mean, do women ask Firecrotch to do this? Or does she just sense telepathically that their vaginas need rejuvenation? Also, why does Raven's supervillain, So.Phia Fierce, look like Janet Jackson? As for Jujubee's Melanina and Shannel's Lactasia, I have no comment. (Like, literally. I just don't feel like coming up with anything to say about them. They were both pretty, though.)
In other news, the producers managed to snag Elvira for the judges' panel — and just like the last time she appeared on Drag Race, she was almost indistinguishable from Michelle Visage. Yawn. BUT Rita from Bridesmaids was there ... so yay. I don't know how you feel about her, but I'm pretty sure that woman is more beautiful than Cinderella. Also, her hair smells like pine needles and she has a face like sunshine. So there.
During Untucked, we witnessed even more snark from the judges, courtesy of Santino Rice. Girlfriend actually said that Jujubee's Melanina outfit would look good in a club! Um, excuse me?? What self-respecting queen would go clubbing as a superhero?? Even if the bouncers let her in dressed like that, no one's going to want to dance with her! (Also, she wouldn't be available to fight crime. Rude.)
After answering some fan mail, the queens got super real with each other and bonded over the fact that they are beautiful, competitive divas who would do anything to ruin each others' lives for the sake of the crown. So emotional. Here's what I didn't get, though: Shannel proclaiming that she has "a yeast infection of life." Um, did your gyno actually say that, Shannel?? Did he stick his head down there, do his business, and proclaim, "Shannel, it pains me to say this, but you have an unnatural amount of 'life' in your vagina. It is irreversible." Also, why are you sharing this with other queens? Won't they get concerned that they might contract your condition? Does it hurt when you do high kicks? Does a small amount of life fall out every time you do yoga? Can you even vajazzle anymore, or does the life get in the way? So many questions, so little answers.
And last but not least, here are some random notes I scribbled during the episode:
"OMG. Jujubee's convo with her BF and Raven's convo with her mom. So adorbs."
"Why is Chad so obsessed with The Hunger Games? What does she have in common with Katniss, other than flawless cleavage?"
"That 'WERK' sign in the Interior Illusions Lounge. I want it."
Tune in next week for the final four! Things are about to get REAL, y'all.