OK. So I was wrong when I thought that last week’s episode was the penultimate one. (There are two eps remaining!!) Clearly, I don’t operate on the same level as my fellow TV-recapping colleagues (See: Rolling Stone, Huffington Post), who not only know how long a season of True Blood lasts, but also (a) call Super Snatch by her real name, (b) offer intelligent, insightful opinions about the lives of TB’s fictional characters, and (c) refrain from calling dead Iraqi war victims “fierce bitches.” But this is what you signed up for, so deal with it. (Disclaimer: I’m coming down with some sort of cold, so if my recap is loopy then it’s because I could barely comprehend what was happening on my TV screen. I mean, I was involuntarily drooling on myself when Eric was onscreen. It was THAT bad.)
But enough of that.
We start episode 10 with Super Snatch staking one of her friends because he has become a vampire and is trying to eat her thighs. (Apparently, there has been a 50% spike in vampire attacks since the True Blood factories burned down.) But instead of installing a security system in her house or pulling out a restraining order against every vampire everywhere, Snatch decides to investigate some weird scroll under her bed with squiggly lines on it. Hmm. I’m pretty sure when most people are being attacked by a giant population of evil undead people trying to kill them, they aren’t like, “Derp derp, let me solve this crossword first!” Regardless, she takes it to her male fairy friend (i.e. the one who always wears shirts exposing his nip-nips) to see if he might be able to translate. Alas, he can’t ... But do you know who can??? The 500-year-old fairy who sexed Sheriff Andy!!! (I’m assuming she had to lie about her age in order for that to happen.)
Then we’re bombarded with two really big OMG/WTF moments. Number one: The 500-year-old fairy is pregnant with Andy’s baby!!!! Hmm. I’m sure she’s very happy about this fact, but I’m also sure that her baby is going to grow up to be just like his daddy, i.e. a lazy and incompetent substance abuser. (Or maybe he’ll just pop out of her like that! She’ll wake up one morning to find her two-month-old passed out in front of a Sesame Street rerun with vomit running down his bib and drained milk bottles scattered around the room.)
As for the #2 OMG/WTF moment: Super Snatch’s dad gave her away to that evil Warlow dude! (I’m not really sure what terrible, awful thing she did to deserve anything other than being sent to her room or being forbidden dessert for a week, but whatevs.)
Back in Bon Temps, Pam and Tara are duking it out with the new sheriff of Area 5, whose name is apparently Elijah. But don’t bother to learn it, ‘cause the dude is DEAD. Tara and her fellow Fangtasian double-teamed him and squarely ended his reign as Fangtasia’s evil overlord. BUT, I must admit, his idea of having vampire glory holes — as in, holes where people can anonymously insert appendages that they want drained of all blood — was sort of clever.
Meanwhile, Hoyt invites Jessica and Jason to Merlotte’s for a warm and comforting cup of Joe, a nostalgic look back upon their lives together, and a casual discussion about how he wishes they never existed. Also, he wants to move to Alaska. (I fully sympathize with everything he’s saying, except for the Alaska thing.) So after Jessica feels some feelings and futilely tries to change his mind, she finally glamours him and he forgets his history with both of them. (I’ll admit: I had tears in my eyes during this scene. But that also might have been because I’d been sneezing for the entire episode.) Anyway, the whole situation becomes even more devastating when Jason unsuccessfully tries to convince Hoyt (who has no recollection of his long friendship with Jason) to stay in Bon Temps. Then Jason — who’s been sort of in denial about the whole thing — finally realizes the gravity of his predicament and breaks down crying. I can’t even.
As for everything else in this episode, it’s just a scalding hot mess. Batsh*t Bill — having fully-completed his transition from Boring Bill — stakes the techie chick in front of all the Authority members. (Side-note: Her name was Molly, but I’ve learned by now not to learn the names of minor characters.) Then he offers to spare Eric as long as Eric takes some Lilith blood and trips balls. So Eric does. But while Eric and Nora are enjoying all the pretty colors swirling in front of them, Godric kills the mood by warning them to watch out for Lilith because shee's evil. (Thank you, Godric, for that crucial piece of information which we would’ve never been able to figure out without you.) However, Godric isn’t very good at listening to his own advice, because he doesn’t seem to notice or care when Lilith creeps up behind him, slits his throat open and rips off his head. WHOA. BAD TRIP. STOP BUTTON. STOP BUTTON.
(P.S. I get that Lilith is, like ... God. But can’t the Sanguinistas — during their nightly prayers — be like, “Dear Lilith, We totally back your plan to kill Earth’s entire human population. And we love and respect you for that. Also, we would casually sacrifice our eternal souls for you. But holy sh*t girl, can you PLEASE take a shower??? Your hair is looking all sorts of ratty, and that caked blood is all sorts of HELL NO.”)
Russell, on the other hand, is back to being his old loveable, egomaniacal, delusional self. First, he eats about twenty humans during his second date with the Good Reverend. (In case you forgot, he kidnapped a small child during their first date.) Then he and the Reverend slow-dance over the humans’ dead bodies as “Teenage Dream” plays in the background. Cute!
Later, while Sam and Luna are crawling around the Authority Complex — as rats — in order to find Emma, Russell finally loses it and decides that he wants to not only eat every human on Earth but also eat every FAIRY on Earth. Then he throws Salome into the wall, preaches about his own awesomeness in some pretentious Medieval accent, poops all over Lilith’s good name, and peaces the edd out of there. In other news: The Good Reverend just made a mental note to change his Grindr status to “Single.”
Until next week! And remember to pray to Lilith tonight! (As in, pray that she gets a makeover soon.)