True Blood Recap Ep 5: Naughty Buddha

Remember how Super Snatch has been boring for a really long time? Well, that finally changed last night when she drunkenly booted all over Alcide.

I mean, if most people were kneeling in front of Alcide and drunkenly unbuttoning his pants, then they probably wouldn't vomit. Instead, they'd probably toss their heads back, lift their hands to the sky, and shout "HALLELUJAH!"

And then they'd vomit.

After that gem of a scene, we see Lafayette tripping balls and asking his toy dolls why he's turning into a demon. (Normally, I would talk to a therapist if I thought I was turning into a demon, but I guess toy dolls could be a close second.) Lafayette gets mad, though, when his dolls get real with him and offer some tough advice. Obvs, my fave is the toy Buddha, who says, "Life is suffering, bitch." Well, DAMN, Buddha! We know you're overweight and you're not allowed to have sex because of your religion, but don't take it out on the rest of us, K? Rude.

Anyway, Lafayette wakes up later in the episode to find Jesus's head on his coffee table. WHAT. Also, Jesus's head shows up in Lafayette's mom's bedroom. WHATTTTTT. But even though Jesus's mouth is taped shut, Lafayette's mom still perfectly understands what he's trying to say. P.S. You KNOW Jesus is probably just saying, "Get me out of this crazy woman's bedroom!!" But she hears what she wants to hear, I guess.

Meanwhile, Terry and Scott Foley are being held hostage by their crazy Marine friend, and he starts talking about how some evil Islamic fire demon called an "Ifrit" is chasing after all of them. Apparently, one of the innocent Iraqis from Terry's flashbacks put a curse on all of them before Terry shot her.

Side-note for the innocent Iraqi: Ummm, really? This is the ONE chance you have to save yourself, and you decide to CURSE them? I mean, you definitely have a lot of other options. Like, maybe you could tell a joke to break the tension? Or say something self-deprecating? (For example, you could apologize for that unfortunate dress you're wearing.) Or maybe -- just a thought -- you could BEG FOR YOUR LIFE? But whatevs. If cursing people is your modus operandi, then that's chill too. Good luck making friends in the afterlife.

In any case, the Ifrit ends up eating Terry's crazy Marine friend, which sort of sucks. But at least Terry and Scott Foley know what they're running from now.

As for Jason, he's busy having dreams about his parents and vowing to avenge them (I'm assuming.) Yawn. Unless he stakes Tara or something equally dramatic then I'm not particularly interested. Oh, well. At least we get a lovely exchange between Jason and Sheriff Andy, which includes Andy slowly realizing that he "f*cked a fairy" last night. Um, join the club dude. Half the single gay guys in New York have the same realization every Saturday morning.

Tara, on the other hand, has a hell of a time this episode. After drunkenly opening up to Jessica about her casual desire to eat everybody in the room, she ends up feeding on Hoyt in the bathroom. BUT WAIT. Jessica is in the stall next to her!!!

There's about to be a what? GIRLFIGHT!

While all this is going down in Bon Temps, Super Snatch and Company are playing Nancy Drew and solving the mystery of Russell. Turns out it's as easy as finding the hick who runs the parking garage and reading his mind. Cheap tricks, True Blood writers.

Speaking of that hick, though, I def don't appreciate the exchange he has with Eric about New York City. When the hick is all like "OMG I wanna see the Big Apple," Eric is all like, "It smells like pee and the people are rude." Um, excuse me? Any place where you can see Katie Holmes and Suri on the same street as a homeless man pooping in a trash can is a wonderful and beautiful place. So get off your high horse or move back to Sweden, dude.

Oh, and P.S. They eventually find Russell, and he is looking MUCH better. Leave it to a queen to take himself from "HELL no" to "YES please" in just a few short weeks. I'm assuming he took my advice and used some moisturizer? Boo was looking all kinds of ashy after nearly dying. Also, he probably feels loads better after feasting on that pile of dead people down the hall from him. Oh, and speaking of horrible things happening to people, WHAT IS ABOUT TO EAT ALCIDE AND SUPER SNATCH?

We'll have to find out next week.

Oh, wait. I can't really do that, because there's another equally-as-big cliffhanger.

WHO JUST SHOT SAM AND LUNA?

I just...can't.