'True Blood' Recap: "I Was in the Ground. What's YOUR Excuse?"
By Evan Lambert
Photograph by John P. Johnson
Breaking: Super Snatch is alive!
Following the least effective cliffhanger ever, Tara did NOT kill Super Snatch and instead threw her around the yard like a ragdoll. Still, things got SO bad that Pam had to swoop in there and calm Tara down. (Still waiting on their sex dreams, btw.) Unfortunately, that only lasted a few seconds, because Tara immediately pulled a Justin Bieber and banged her head into the glass door! I'm really beginning to think that Pam was right about Tara being "f*cktarded."
After we got that out of the way, the episode was pretty slow, but I'll recap it for you anyway.
After the credits roll, we're treated to an expository scene in which a fierce bitch named Salome slaps Nora and treats Bill and Eric like scum. Like, she's so stuck up that she doesn't even answer Bill when he asks her what her name is. Love her. Also, she has to prick her finger with a needle and leave a blood sample in the ID machine just to get into the Authority complex?! Badass, but 100% overkill.
Anyway, Bill and Eric and Nora are in vampire jail now. Sad. But at least this means that Eric and Nora won't be able to participate in any more "sibling-bonding" seshes. (Vom.)
Cut to: The ugly hag with the smoker's voice eating her son, which is totally normal. Alcide looks on in disgust and tells the hag — whose name is Martha — that he doesn't want to be her pack's new packmaster. Instead of responding with a cogent, English argument, however, everyone in the pack decides to growl at him. That's totally what I would do ... never.
In the Blah department: Sheriff Andy is showing withdrawal symptoms. And Jason is in trouble for sleeping with some kid's mom. (PAUSE. Isn't it a given that Jason has slept with pretty much every mom in Bon Temps?? That scene was a teensy bit unnecessary.)
But back to the action. Tara is RUINING Super Snatch's kitchen, zooming around like a meth-head and breaking whatever she can get her craycray hands on. (PAUSE AGAIN. What the hell did Pam give Tara while they were underground?? Twenty lines of coke? Two pounds of bath salts? I'm just going to attribute this to the fact that Tara lost half her brain when she got shot in the face. And that she hates everyone in the universe.) So anyway, Tara decides to take a short break from her whirlwind tour of the kitchen in order to crouch on the counter and growl. For two seconds, I actually think she's about to pee on the counter. That doesn't happen, though — and Super Snatch and Lafayette unfortunately fail at restraining her — so they have to silver her and throw her in the basement. At one point, Lafayette considers killing Tara to put her out of her misery, but Super Snatch makes an "It Gets Better" speech and he changes his mind. At the end of the episode, however, we're blessed with a lovely moment when Tara — who until now has communicated almost exclusively by screaming gutturally and slapping herself in the face — speaks a human sentence. "I will never forgive either of you," she says. Ouch. Then she runs out the door, gets a silver facial, and zooms off to eat everyone in Bon Temps.
MEANWHILE, we're treated to a glamorous Pam scene. Pam's assistant asks her why she's so dirty, and Pam quips: "I was in the ground. What's YOUR excuse?" I heart Pam SO much. And now...WAIT, WTF. We're doing a Pam flashback?!?
It's San Francisco in 1905, and Pam still looks like a fierce bitch. She's also still surrounded by hot chicks — but instead of sucking their blood as per usual, she's pimping them out to the highest bidder. Yup, Pam is a MADAM. She also seems to be having a slight Jack the Ripper problem with her whores, as one just turned up stabbed. Whoops! Pam the Madam meets the whore-stabber later in the episode, but Eric swoops in and karate chops the dude's neck! And instead of asking Eric how the HELL he just did that, Pam engages him in witty repartee and flirts with him a little bit. Casual.
While Pam the Madam is busy having her flashback nightmares (daymares?) in her coffin, Bill and Eric and Nora are chatting with some dude in the cell next to them. His name is Nigel, and he's in jail for eating babies. That's chill. BUT WAIT. The Authority is shining painful, dangerous UV light on the gang! As Cher from Clueless would say, that was way harsh.
Later, Salome (i.e. the fierce bitch from before) and some dude named Dieter begin to torture Bill and Eric. Apparently the Authority thinks that Bill and Eric are part of some fundamentalist vampire sect?? No. Wrong. Get it together, Authority.
P.S. Did anyone else notice all the symbols on the walls of the Authority complex? They looked suspiciously like Human Rights Campaign logos, which makes me wonder if the Authority's "mainstreaming of vampires" philosophy is a take on the HRC's "mainstreaming of LGBT people" philosophy. Hmm.
Sorry for that! But I feel like I have a free pass to get nerdy for at least one paragraph a recap, right?
Oh, also, there was some talk about a vampire Bible, in which God created vampires in Her own image and then supplied Adam and Eve as food for said vampires. (I'm assuming She let Adam and Eve sleep together first, though. Otherwise, how would vampires have ever had an entire race of humans to eat?)
But back to Bon Temps. Jessica's using her super vampire speed to drag a vomiting girl onto the porch when the GOOD REVEREND shows up. Yes!! I knew we hadn't seen the last of him!! He shimmies under Jessica's arm and then does the gayest dance in the history of mankind as he prances across the room and high fives all the cute college boys. Later, he tries to buy Jason from Jessica. (P.S. I'm really not sure how that would work. Would the good Reverend have to glamour Jason and tie him up? I mean, that would be hot for, like, two seconds...But then it would get weird really fast. On the bright side, at least we know that Jason's butt is so hard you could chip your fang on it! Hot!!)
There's also a little bit of drama about how Luna's daughter Emma is a WOLF BEBEH.
But whatevs. Let's talk about how DETECTIVE STABLER — i.e. Chris Meloni, whose actual character on this show is called Roman — finally showed up. Sexay sexay Stabler. He's really so sexy that I could watch him do anything, including threaten to kill Bill and Eric. But I think I'll pass on rewatching the weird ritual that Stabler did with his vampire friends. (I.e. The one in which they all chanted in Vampire and drank Stabler's blood.) Also, can we talk about how there's a CHILD on the Authority Board of Directors? I'm not quite sure how the Authority expects the rest of the world to take them seriously if these are the standards they hold themselves to.
Anyway, Bill and Eric end up making a deal with Stabler: They get to stay alive, but they help Stabler defeat Russell and fight for the mainstreaming of vampires.
Speaking of Russell, he's looking all sorts of tragic!! First of all, honey is in dire need of some moisturizer. Secondly, he's so depressed that he's not even bothering to keep his place tidy. (He just leaves amputated legs everywhere like it's NBD.) OH, and he's drinking his own blood because he's too freaking lazy to walk over to the fridge and drink some True Blood! Hot hot mess.
So what did y'all think of last night's episode?? Are you bored with Terry and Arlene and the evil baby yet? What about Sheriff Andy and his V problem? Also, when Stabler swooped over to Bill and Eric, were you sort of hoping he'd handcuff them and read them their Miranda Rights? Comment below!