Two weeks ago Glee ended the one-two punch of an Adele mash-up and Santana’s slap: that was kind of red-hot and spicy. This week was a lot more beige.
Beige like the halftan (that’s a half-caftan) Kurt wore while warbling Pink’s “Fuckin’ Perfect” with bow-tied Blaine. This is a pretty apropos song for two gays to sing to another member of the flock. Unfortunately, Blaine’s rap is sad and deflated, and the camera mostly zooms in on various members of the Glee club, who continuously nod and give Santana meaningful, affirming glances. The writers seem to have replaced half the dialogue with looks in this episode, but more on that later.
Santana then deadpans: “Thank you guys, really, thank you. With all the horrible crap I’ve been through in my life, now I get to add that.”
After a silly interlude about some kind of election, Puck straps on a guitar for a gravelly-sexy rendition of “I’m The Only One.” As fate would have it, Quinn is seated directly in front of Shelby (Idina Menzel) so every time he violates his substitute teacher with his eyes, it passes for a longing look at someone who is actually his age. Again, this is all about eye contact. Only Rachel Berry seems to be catching on (who is more hep than we give her credit for).
Brief interlude in the hall where crazy-eyed Quinn propositions Puck. He says he’d “rather rawdog a beehive,” which I guess is okay to say on TV because it’s euphemistic?
Finn says he’s forcing Santana out of the closest by referencing the Jamey Rodemeyer suicide (which is in pretty poor taste, but he’s in high school, how should he… Oh right, a team of writers OK’d this) and says he just wants to make sure she’s safe.
Then he leans on a piano and sings a slow-jam version of “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun.” It’s the least fun thing we’ve ever heard. It still manages to break Santana’s bitch forcefield, so she hugs and thanks him for bastardizing Cyndi Lauper.
But, who would have guessed, not everyone’s as accepting as the Glee club. Santana gets harassed by a smarmy rubgy captain, at which point every girl on the show arrives en masse, like a flock of singing Pink Ladies, and tells that dude off. Segue to “I Kissed A Girl,” where everyone struts and taps shoulders and at one point there’s a bit of a conga line. While a Santana/Rachel hook-up is kind of intriguing, isn’t this song about girls who kiss each other to impress dudes at parties?
In boring Puck/Shelby/Quinn news: he sleeps with his teacher, then she kicks him out. We get a great view of his mohawk here, which is actually slicked down and parted, a retrohawk, if you will. We hope you won’t. We hope Puck loses it immediately. He then tells Quinn that Shelby is the Mary Kay Letourneau to his Vili Fualaau. Why? Because he’s feeling compassionate(?).
Santana comes out to her abuelita in an extremely articulate speech, saying “I walk around so mad at the world,” and she doesn’t want to be that way anymore. (Santana, you can have a girlfriend and still be sassy.) Abuelita banishes her from the house and tells her she should have kept her mouth shut. Santana cries. We’re glad this episode shows that coming out isn’t always a pride parade.
The show ends with a dry-eyed Santana singing kd lang’s “Constant Craving,” (with help from Kurt and Shelby). We dig the song, but again, it’s mostly about lots of looks: Quinn looks like she's going to kill Shelby, Shelby tries pointedly not to look at Puck, Kurt looks morose in another caftan.
We’re looking for something a bit compelling in the next episode. More slaps, for instance. And if Crazy Eyes went full-on mental, that would add a point of interest. And Puck, fix your hair. You’re unduly influencing meatheads the world over.