Are You Hungry?: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, S2E4
By Mike Berlin
Is that a chocolate?: Occasionally, I like to honor the masterful artistry of the Bravo staff for their exemplary achievements in reality television editing, like the scene in the beginning of this week's episode. Adrienne mAloof and Donkey Kong were heading to some sort of fabricated basketball team stadium, where they were being executed for crimes of L.A. (I will not attempt to explain or understand any storylines that involve the Sacramento Kings, suffice to say that they, with the exception of all dialogue from Kim, are of lesser importance.) In their private jet, the mAloofs called Kim on speakerphone and she just moaned hoarsely about eating a box of makeup and being late, or something. In the height of the confusion of me trying to unsuccessfully figure out how to set subtitles on the TV, the camera cut to a bloody mary being stirred by a lone hand with Tense Music playing...
It was Adrienne's hand! HA! FUNNY. It was not a shot of Kim drinking! Get it?
Anyway, Kim, when she did finally arrive in the baggy white coat she fills the inner pockets of with nips of Krā-zē, she started chatting and wouldn't really stop. Adrienne patiently stroked her five o'clock shadow and listened, desperately trying to interject her own mundane troubles into the mix. "Change is scary," Adrienne may have said before Kim cut her off, crying, "I don't like new restaurants! I don't like meeting new people!!!"
She paused, her eyes lighting up like two gleaming black marbles.
"Is that a chocolate?" she whispered.
No one spoke. Kim's sine graph smile plotted itself excitedly on her face while she fixed her stare on an injured beetle lying on the carpet of the jet and twitching in front of Adrienne's foot.
"Kim?" Adrienne asked gently.
Kim narrowed her eyes on the chocolate. It danced seductively, moving all its delicious cocoa legs, tempting her with its sweet, sugary promises of lifelong companionship and loyalty. "Kim," the chocolate said. "If you eat me, we will be together forevvvvvvvver."
"But I can't," Kim muttered under her breath, grimacing, her face shattering into a complex mosaic of grief and distress.
"Whyyy not? Why don't you liiiiiike me?" it asked sadly, pleadingly.
"I... I... I just... Um..." Kim stuttered. She lifted out of her seat slowly, crouched on the floor meekly, and started whimpering, collecting all the fabric of her faded white coat around her.
"Kim. Honey, would you like a sip of my champagne?" Adrienne asked.
"What? Where am I?" Kim asked, clearly startled, looking up from her shroud of sadness.
"You're in a plane, Kim, flying with us to the Kings game."
Tears slid silently down Kim's face as she began to cackle to herself. Adrienne smiled at her warmly and fished a fun-size 100 Grand out of her pocket, feeding it to Kim bite by tiny bite as the plane prepared for landing.
Are You Hungry?: Taylor! Taylor!!!!! Taylor went Kyle to passive-aggressively accuse her of leaking details about her marriage to the press, or just some blog—or maybe there wasn't an article and Taylor just wrote the word "Food" down on a piece of paper, crumpled it up, and set it on fire. Taylor, your Bratz Doll life coach would not be pleased with you talking to anyone else other than her! I'm just saying, you're going to piss her off big-time with this!
Anyway, Taylor was beside herself, yelling, "It has all these details about my weight! It says I'm barely eating!" Kyle looked into Taylor's face and smiled with all of her shining veneers, before asking coyly "Are you hungry?" and then laughing a big ol' "HA."
Kyle then grabbed Taylor's face and tried to wrest seven White Castle sliders into her infinitesimal mouth at once before Taylor ripped herself away and ran out the door shrieking.
Bullet-proof Cars: There was a party for children with cancer, or rather, a party for middle-aged men and women with cancerous souls who eat sick children, hoping that it will keep them eternally young. Kyle hosted it! But there were only two things that really mattered.
1. Faye Resnick. She was there, fresh from a trip to Mexico City, where she alluded to the irrefutable fact that she is now the No. 2 in a prominent drug cartel.
2. BRANDI GLANVILLE walked into the room, as her debut on the show, in crutches and stilettos. The sound of her entering the room was akin to the sound of a sudden car crash. All women present turned their heads sharply to see the damage, and it was tall and young and hobbling toward them with a glass of white wine. Queen Vanderpump smelled something, but what was it? It smelled like lifelong betrayal and Bacardi, and it was enamting from that thing that just walked in.
Lisa blacked out and came to with her nails lodged in someone's scalp. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, YOU CRAZY BITCH???" Brandi screamed.
Lisa removed herself and eyed Brandi suspiciously. Straightening her impeccably tailored little black dress, she asked, "Do you know Cedric?"
Brandi nodded cautiously, before saying, "We used to model together, but I don't really see him that often."
Lisa's entire body convulsed for a split second (you might not have even caught it) before she composed herself, raised one eyebrow, and snickered "Oh, well, that's brilliant." She then stalked to the far corner of the room, pulled out her cell phone, looked around her, and texted someone quickly before returning to Ken's side.
Over by the canapes, Faye Resnick felt the faint buzz of her phone in her bag. "Excuse me," she said to no one in particular, and pulled it out. "I thought you her taken care of her in Mexico City," read a text message from Lisa.
Faye looked across the room at the tall woman crutching herself over to a waiter carrying a tray of champagne glasses, and narrowed her eyes on Brandi's leg cast. "It will be done, one way or another. My word is my word." she texted back, putting her phone back into her bag and turning back to absolutely no one.
"I'm sorry," Faye said. "Where was I?"
The Head of the Rattlesnake: THIS HAPPENED.
PREVIOUSLY > The Road: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, S2E2