DWTS: Goodbye Mr. Eight Five, Now It's Time For The Finals.

5.19.2010

By Noah Michelson

This week was the end of the dancing road for Chad Ochocinco, the Cincinnati Bengels wide receiver who is described as "flamboyant" in every news piece simply because he changed his last name from Johnson to "Eight Five" (his jersey number is eighty-five, but "ochenta y cinco" doesn't flow as well as a surname). He pulled out the big guns for his last semifinal dance, specifically yanking off his shirt in the samba to reveal his own guns that could easily land him a Men's Health cover shot.

I know the rumors are running rampant about Chad and Cheryl dating, but I just don't see it. I see a man who would like to be with a woman very badly and relentlessly flirts with her to show it, and that woman likes him well enough but not in that way. In other words, he pulls the same mistake that many straight dudes make with their women friends: attempting to wear them down into accepting a date, which rarely seems to have good long-term success. Hopefully he'll learn some dating skills on the VH1 show they are developing around him in the style of "Rock of Love" and "Flavor of Love"... but probably not.

Last night's DWTS also featured Miley Cyrus doing an Adam Lambert impression with her performance of her new song "Can't Be Tamed." Everyone was in a tizzy because she was performing in a cage. To quote Lisa Simpson, "How rebellious! In a conformist sort of way." It's only barely risque, but I guess for ABC and a 17-year-old, she did alright.

Next week is the DWTS final week where, let's be real, despite the presence of Erin the sportscaster, it's going to be a showdown between Evan the ice skater and Nicole the pussycat doll. I hope they remember the lesson from last season's Donny Osmond v. Mya showdown:  go big, or go home.

-- A. RAYMOND JOHNSON

Previously > DWTS: Long Live the Queen of Jiggly Parts and the King of Paso Doble

Tags: Popnography
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