American Idol: All-Male Naked Flesh Edition

2.4.2010

By Noah Michelson

Photo: Michael Becker / FOX.

Hey y’all, remember three weeks ago when we all loved “Pants on the Ground”? The show does. And it wants you to remember that cultural phenomena like some old guy yelling about how you are “lookin’ like a fool” because your trousers are sagging and showing off your underpants means that American Idol is not at all like an embarrassing Dad who walks around saying “OMG.” As entertainment, it’s still super-relevant to how we’re all coping in these times. The ones in which we live. Until X Factor comes along, that is. Then the times will change. We’ll be different people in ways we can’t even imagine right now.

But until a moment like that arrives, they’ve got a spare hour of airtime to fill and you’re going to look at “Pants on the Ground” again, this time sung by all kinds of frat boys and jug bands. Then you get a couple more joke auditions featuring people with aluminum auditory canals and psychological “issues” before witnessing and forgetting the onscreen flip-book of talented people who failed to think ahead and develop childhood leukemia, neglectful parents or criminal pasts.

The more camera-ready ones shake with fear and are, as Simon says, smirking, “almost broken.” In their arms they hold preschool-age children who’ve come to represent the death of their dreams. They come from brutal poverty. They have neurological disorders. They get a “one jizzillion percent YES” from Randy. Posh likes their skin. She might buy it from them one day if they’re lucky.

The others are just strippers. But this time it’s guys. “Bikini Boy” can now put this show on the reel he uses to beg for representation and the pretty blond guy with the long hair and the golden torso and the okay singing voice is GOING TO HOLLYWOOD. He had to obey Kara and undress in front of several million people to get the ticket, but note how quickly he worked those shirt buttons. No fool he, those pants would have been on the ground in a second.

Next week: Ellen and Seacrest fight over who looks better in cute, boyish outfits.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > American Idol: When Guest Judges Attack

Tags: Popnography
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