Project Runway: Let’s Pretend L.A. Never Happened

1.15.2010

By Noah Michelson

5.    Anthony – Never stops talking. Has already spoken of himself in the third person and made a racist “Ping PONG” comment about his fellow contestant. Thinks he can get away with that because he’s African-American. I bet the people who log footage for this show have a counter for the number of times he says, “OOOH GURRRL.”
6.    Jay – Says he likes “things to be dramatic.” Says this while wearing a teal tank top. Puts a big fabric flower dead-center-vagina on his runway look’s skirt. Calls himself “the skinniest” of the men, which prompts a voluntary, informal Let’s Compare Fatness contest among the gays on screen.
7.    Pamela – Calls herself “Type A.” Translation: There will be total fighting when it’s time for the partner challenge.
8.    Anna – Rhode Island School of Design grad in printmaking. I didn’t want to know that. My TiVo ate Launch My Line for a reason.
9.    Jonathan – Says he’ll do anything to win. Has cute glasses that almost make up for his faux-hawk.
10.     Jesse – Was “Jack Sparrow” at DisneyWorld. Admits it.
11.     Mila – Older, feels like she could be a bully. I hope so.
12.     Maya – Looks exactly like she could be Mila’s daughter. Owns a Link Ray record on vinyl. That makes her better than most of you.
13.     Christiane – Spent a lot of her life on the Ivory Coast. Tries to make something colorful to represent her upbringing but winds up with a tacky thing Teresa on Real Housewives of New Jersey would wear. Earns the coveted annual distinction of being kicked off first.
14.     Jesus – Says, “I am young!” like it’s meaningful. Winds up in the bottom 3 with a dress that Nina says looks like a Hershey Bar.
15.     Emilio – Also older, wins the challenge by making something too difficult for the time allotted and making guest judge Nicole Richie re-think her own upcoming line.
16.     Amy – I forget who that is. All I have on my notepad is a name. I think she’s female, but on this show, where people have been known to walk around calling themselves “Suede,” you just never know.

-- DAVE WHITE

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Tags: Popnography
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