Project Runway: Diamonds On The Crotch

10.16.2009

By Noah Michelson

Christopher -- Self-taught, we’re told. Has bothersome
chinstrap beard. Cries the most of anybody, even more than Shirin. Even more
than Gordana. Squeaks by time after time.

The New Producers of This Show -- You never see them, but
they’re the people who decided that giving the winner and bottom two of each
episode the most airtime isn’t enough of a spoiler, now they have to make sure
that those are the first three you hear from on interview-cam right from the
get-go. Next season they’re going to experiment with flashing lights hovering
over the designers’ heads just in case you still don’t get what they’re trying
to say.

Nicolas -- Closest thing they have to a “love to hate”
personality. Talks shit about other designers. Seems most likely to commit
actual treachery, just hasn’t done so yet. Is extremely irritating. Inspired a
conversation at my house last night about Gay Voice. Why do some Gay Voices
sound nice, like Tim Gunn’s, and some sound like nails on a chalkboard, like
Nicolas’s? A mystery…

Irina -- Best designer of this season. Knows it. Is
unfriendly. Is, in fact, the Charles Bronson of unfriendliness. Mean and
devastating. Even Nicolas calls her a bitch. And he should know. Camera loves
her imperious glare. 

Althea -- Oh, wait, she’s still on this show?

Nina Garcia and Michael Kors -- Now trading places on the
judging panel. Must not want to be in the same room together anymore.

Christina Aguilera -- The celebrity for whom the designers
were creating a Bob Mackie-style costume. Is discussed frequently during the
episode, yet no music was cleared for broadcast, no video clips shown, not even
a photograph to let you know who this person might be. Logan could have used
that help. Shows up to judge at the end. Is totally fond of using the word
“totally.” (“I would totally wear that.” “I would totally trip and fall in
that.”)

Heidi Klum -- Consistently perfect, even when all around her
is in negative flux. Gets all the best retorts when designers are collapsing in
tears, trying to explain why the challenge ruined them. Tells Gordana she’s
lucky to have immunity from elimination this week. Gordana, in turn, describes
her attempt to work with the beaded material as a “disaster.” Klum response:
“That’s the way it looked, too.”

Now you can dump those early episodes.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > Project Runway: D-I-V-O-R-C-E

Tags: Popnography
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