To that end, just when you thought it was “prom dress” competition all over again, with the hint that backstage waited pouty, bossy, spoiled teen clients that the designers really needed to fail to make happy, Tim Gunn shows up to tell the them that -- SURPRISE -- they are going to be designing for their models this week. The <I>Models of The Runway</I>, in fact. He says that out loud to remind you that it comes on at 11, right after this show and would it kill you to put a season pass in your TiVo, assholes? He’d say it while surfing on the hood of a Saturn if this show still gave a flying heck about Saturns.
Here’s what I can personally tell you about <I>Models of The Runway</I>, because I do watch and I do care: Matar cried when her best pal Whatserface got the Auf last week. Also, Fatma will schmooze anyone, hump their leg if she has to, until she finds them to be a pitiably cracked rung on her career ladder. Then she will talk shit.
And in keeping with the spirit of irrelevance, here’s the minimally important stuff that happened during the actual design challenge:
1. Logan feared that his dress looked a little too Smurf-blue. Tim Gunn reacted in an appropriately horrified manner and forbade him from saying that word again. But all it made me think about was: At what point in history did Tim Gunn make mental room for the concept of Smurfs? At what precise moment did he learn about them? What was his reaction? Did he find them adorable? Did he ever get super-baked and watch the cartoon? Eat a bowl of Smurfberry Crunch? I like to imagine Tim Gunn in these scenarios the way I like to imagine cats operating old-timey cash registers.
2. Heidi called one of the finished designs “bridesmaid,” which now has to enter the Klum Dictionary of Shame alongside “dirty” and “homesewn” as an adjective that seals your doom.
3. It came down to Logan and Qristyl. Logan’s dress was gnarlier but the judges applauded his personal choice to wear shiny jeans and matching Chucks. He won the dazzle camouflage portion of the show. Qristyl’s dress was actually the least ugly thing she’s made since the show started, but every piece of clothing she puts on her own body resembles floral nurse’s scrubs and no one wants to look at that anymore. I’m just grateful I don’t have to keep fucking up the spelling of her name.
-- DAVE WHITE
Previously > Project Runway: Tim Gunn in Flip-Flops