Fruity Sex Outrages Father
By Noah Michelson
My grandfather, God bless his soul, used to complain that our society had become so filthy it was no longer safe for him to leave his home. He'd stay in his La-Z-Boy recliner and watch old spaghetti Westerns where the most action he could possibly encounter was maybe a cowboy smooching his horse.
I thought of my grandpa today when I read an article on Metro.co.uk about a British man who is outraged that his children have been subjected to a "pornographic" candy wrapper. It seems Haribo's MAOAM packaging features a lemon and a lime "locked" in what Mr. Simpkins of Pontefract, West Yorkshire, refers to as "a carnal
encounter." He added, "The lime, who I assume to be the gentleman in this coupling, has a particularly lurid expression on his face." Don't be so quick to throw around genders, Simpy -- that lemon has got a hell of a lot of stubble on its face.
The father of two claims his wife was so distressed (undersexed?) that upon seeing the wrapper she had to sit down in the car park. Haribo responded to the complaint by saying the "fun" packaging was introduced in Germany in 2002 and countered that "The jovial MAOAM man is very popular with fans, both young and old." And you can add Popnography to that list -- we love fruit. And fruit engaging in lewd acts? All the better.
-- NOAH MICHELSON
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