Let's Muscle!

5.18.2009

By Noah Michelson

To witness the ad for the game is to understand nothing and everything at once. A sheep pops up and spins around. Then comes the polar bear in the orange Speedo, the guy who “explains” the game by blowing word bubbles out of his nose, the fast and furious conga line of buttocks-wiggling meatheads chasing a football player who’s stolen their huge can of protein powder, some bouncing giraffes and penguins, a man shouting, ‘Ouch! OUCH!! OUCH!!!!!” and encouraging expressions like “NICE MUSCLE!” flashed across the screen in a Skittles-bright, tornado of retina-stabbing madness. I’ve never done drugs in my entire life but I would hope that being high is like this. If it’s not then all you chem-friendly types have been wasting your money and lives.

Imagine every video game you ever loved -- Donkey Kong, Super Mario, whatever -- suddenly turned gay, ate thousands of gallons of steroid and amphetamine-flavored ice cream churned by nuclear powered space dolphins and then dropped you into a bathtub with a plugged-in Hello Kitty toaster. That’s how much fun this looks.

Oh, and it’s for the Wii, something I don’t own, but that I now have immediate plans to run out and buy. –

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously
> What's poppin' with mysterious monster corpses?

Tags: Popnography
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