Grand Theft Auto plans to sing you a tender (gay?) ballad

5.27.2009

By Noah Michelson

What do we want!?

THE RIGHT TO BE BRUTALLY SLAUGHTERED AND/OR COMMIT SOME BRUTAL SLAUGHTER OF OUR OWN IN AN ULTRAVIOLENT VIDEO GAME!

When do we want it?!

NOW!

And you shall have it. Not now. But soon. Like this fall. And yes, yes, there have already been gay characters involved in sadistic shenanigans in different games. And yes, okay, they were often the victims. But even so, the first rung on that ladder of homo visibility in the gaming world has been scaled. This time the gay guy is going to be part of the title: Grand Theft Auto IV: The Ballad of Gay Tony.

What happens? Well, it’s unclear. You’ll get to play a thug-lifed character named Luis Lopez who’s an assistant to nightclub owner “Gay Tony” Prince. And then some stuff is going to go down. Some BAD, BAD STUFF.

Now, will there really be a “Ballad of Gay Tony?” And who will sing it? And what is Luis going to be like? Will he be gay too? Will he sing the ballad? Will Gay Tony even be gay? Someone has to be, right? You’re gonna call your character Gay Tony and name the game after him then he’d better be a total fruitbasket of gayness. And it can be any type of gay. He can be femmy or butchy or whatever. But it’s vital that he have just as much access to assault weaponry as other characters and be able to put bullets into as many cops, whores and innocent bystanders as he feels like. That’s really the most important consideration if you’re going to talk about the GTA world. In this time of change we must demand equal murder-rights.

-- DAVE WHITE

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Tags: Popnography
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