10 Reasons Why Russia is SO gay
By Noah Michelson
Photo: Getty Images
Ah, Russia. Dear, dear Russia. Just who do you think you’re fooling? You beat up on dear old Peter Tatchell (of course – that man deserves a medal, or at the least a helmet and a range of action figures made of him) and a few dozen mild-mannered Russian gays for having a teeny tiny wee little rally to coincide with the Eurovision Song Contest. Which is very very gay in itself, guys -- don’t you even see that? Really? And you don’t see that that makes you look all the more closeted? You’re the Secret Old Gay Uncle of Europe! If you weren’t already a country yourself, you’d vacation in Morocco annually with a “friend.” You’re fooling no-one! And just to prove the point, here’s ten ways in which really, you are the queerest of nations:
(1) Faberge Eggs. I mean …
(2) Prime Minister Putin topless in those photos. And not just, “Oh dear, where’s my shirt?” topless. We’re talking flexing-muscles topless. While fishing. And you’re hairless, dude.
(3) Catherine the Great.
(4) Stalin’s 'stache. Muderous old fraud that he was, he sported a fine lip of hair that caused generations of other Russians to wear the same. Like a whole nation of gray terrified Freddie Mercuries.
(6) Your love of statues of brawny men (and brawnier women).
(7) Extravagant fur hats.
(8) May Day Parade missiles -- you’re all about those phallic symbols -- don’t think we didn’t notice.
(9) Your national anthem. Could it be any more butch? Only if the video that went with it was featured a dancing topless PM…
(10) Dr Zhivago.
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