If Rachel Dratch were a lesbian, she'd marry in Massachusetts
By Noah Michelson
The 24 Hour Musicals are always funny in a random, punch-drunk, "what-the-fuck-are-we-supposed to-come-up-with?" sort of way, even if the music and harmonies are surprisingly sophisticated given they were written on the world's shortest notice in the dead of night. But last night, the funniest moment was when Rachel Dratch came onstage for her skit, in which her character must apologize, in song, for some rude things she drunkenly said the other night at a bridesmaids' party, though she doesn't remember what she's supposed to be sorry for. Even before Rachel talked, we laughed. We used to have this reaction to her even before she told us, at a party about a year ago, that, growing up in Massachusetts like we did, she work in a mall we used to go to at a restaurant called The Magic Pan, which was a creperie that was very trendy in the Boston suburbs circa 1980. Last night, when we thought of that, we laugh more. And then more when she totally forgot her
lines in the middle of a song (that's par for the course with this event) and pulled out a cheat-sheet.
Plus, we laughed when she told us that she plays an obnoxious American tourist in a movie coming out this June called My Life in Ruins, with Nia Vardalos from My Big Fat Greek Wedding as a tour guide in Greece -- because, let's face it, those two women in a movie with that premise is just a funny thought, no matter how funny the actual movie turns out. We asked her what she thought about South Park depicting Kanye West as a motherfuckin' gay fish. She hadn't really seen it, so couldn't comment. Okay, fair enough. What gay animated animal would she be if she were one? "I think I might be one," she noted. "I do get cast as a lot of animated animals, and I do get handed a lot of scripts that say, 'A lesbian walks into the room...' I've played a lot of them on SNL and 30 Rock. I played that cat wrangler with the long mullet." (Why, oh, why, can't we find this image
online?) "I have one stock lesbian character and I've used it again and again," she explained. "I just kind of talk like this -- " She went a bit lower with her voice and lisped a little.
If she really were a lesbian, what would her name be? "Maybe Mona? I don't know." And which of the four states where she could now legally marry would she choose to do that? "Maybe Massachusetts, because I know the area." But this got her musing on the idea. "Though Vermont seems like a good place. If you were a gay man, maybe you'd want to be in Iowa, because there are overalls and farm equipment. But if you were a gay woman, maybe Vermont, because -- " she paused thoughtfully. "There are overalls and farm equipment."
-- TIM MURPHY
For more Rachel Dratch, head to Out.com.
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