Can't get American Idol out of our heads

4.9.2009

By Noah Michelson

Allison was the only person not born in the 80s, so she’s exempt from this criticism and Adam chose a song that was relatively obscure in this country, at least during the year of its release, but what Morning Zoo radio stations were the rest these kids listening to in the first decade of their existence? I lived through the 80s ignoring bullshit like “Part Time Lover” (inexplicably praised beyond any reasonable person’s understanding by the judges when Matt made his pitchy way through it, gurgling and riffing it into a mulchy R&B compost heap) and Glass Tiger or White Lion or Michael Damian or whoever the fuck it was who first performed “The Search is Over,” and I was kinda-sorta hoping I’d get to live out the rest of my days without every being reminded of that song’s existence again. But no, Scott Macintyre, “inspiration to the entire world,” (Paula’s tearful words, not mine) you had to belch that one back into my brain again. And you DID IT BECAUSE YOU ACTUALLY LIKED IT AND WANTED US ALL TO SHARE YOUR PASSION FOR BLAND, FLAVORLESS CRAP.

And then, when the judges commended you on playing a guitar instead of a piano, you said it was so you could show your “punk rock” side. You know who was punk rock, Scott Macintyre? G.G. Allin. You know who’s not? You. So please just shut the fuck up. Glad you’re gone.

Worse, the show has spent all season condescending to you, even to the point of spending a cruel and torturous amount of time dangling the hope of their as-yet-unused “judges’ save” in front of you to swing at like an empty piñata when it wasn’t busy acting like it invented the idea of a blind person singing in the first place.  So here’s to more physically challenged people being on this show. And here’s to a less boneheaded way of treating them in the future. They’ve already learned how to package the mentally ill and sell them to us as entertainment, they might as well learn how to deal with everyone else.

There. That felt good to get off my chest. Now, on to the things that were super-entertaining about this week’s episodes:

  • The freaky bald guy from Fringe sitting with Scott’s family like a visiting angel of death. I like to think, in my conspiracy-theory-addled mind, that it was Fox’s sly way of telling us that Scott was the next one to be shoved out the door.
  • Flo Rida’s arms, which helped distract the moms out in the viewing audience from the lyrics of the song he sang, which is all about tossing money at strippers and getting lap dances and blow jobs. Seacrest couldn’t stop staring at the gun show. He even said, “I’ve got to get to the gym.”
  • The moment when Frankie Avalon came out to sing “Venus” and an entire nation of children turned to their parents and said, “Who’s that old guy?” And then the parents turned to the grandparents and said, “Yeah, who’s that old guy?”
  • The stunningly barfy group-sing version of Kylie’s “Can’t You Out of My Head.” I just went to YouTube to see if I could find an even more embarrassingly entertaining example but all I found were odd covers by The Flaming Lips, Coldplay and some all-female choir. And none of them matched the frantic, scrambling, oh-shit-we-actually-have-to-sing-this-one-live explosion of death-disco I just witnessed. I especially liked Lil’s opening bit where she waves her arms all big as if presenting a surprise performance by Kylie herself. And then there was Adam’s obvious glee over the song choice and his extended moment of gentle camera dry-humping. Go Adam! Serve the children!
  • Manhunt.com’s poll this week, in which they demand that you choose which Idol you’d prefer a sexy time with if given the opportunity. Would it be O.G. homosexual contestant Jim Verraros from Season 1. Or would you prefer to sex up Adam Lambert? Verraros is my Facebook friend and is demanding votes. And he did pave the way, after all. So why not give him your support? Also? Always shirtless on that Facebook page, staring at you with alluring sex eyes.

           Sadly, Manhunt offers no write-in option for Fantasia.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > AI: It's just so-so Megan

Tags: Popnography
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