American Idol: Winning doesn't matter until it does

4.30.2009

By Noah Michelson

Proof: Taylor Hicks was back for the results show. Dude won. Then he underperformed sales-wise. He’s still part of the Idol universe, though, and that can only help him. Because right now, as “Teen Angel” in the touring company of Grease and flogging his new independently released record (His major label dropped him) he needs all the assistance and marketing platforms he can get. I’m still of the opinion that he should have his own variety series where he can let his inner Boogie flail around for cameras. That’s why we voted for him, after all, to get more of that spazzy dancing. Too bad records aren’t visual or he’d be an endless entertainment resource.

Polar opposite proof: J-Hud. You come in 7th and wind up with an Oscar and a Grammy? And cooing about luxury purses with Sarah Jessica Parker? She was supposed to return to crooning on cruise ships but she decided to tell you that she was not going. And that was that.

So now all that’s left here is for the public to decide if they want someone safe and soft like Kris or Gokey or someone odd and spiky like Allison (above) or Adam. And it should be Allison. Kris and Gokey are going to have careers of some sort if they put even a half-assed try into it. Adam is kind of guaranteed a career because he seems like a pro already and knows his way around, the only person in the final five to have had the business knock him down a few times before those stadium auditions. He has singing skill to burn and nerves of steel. You can see it in everything he does, right down to that metallic “Hey everybody, check out my junk in these shiny fuckin’ pants!” strut down the stairs during his “Feeling Good” number. If his placement in the bottom two last night was authentic and not manufactured drama dictated by producers, then it’s because he finally terrified America once too often with his wiener. But you know he doesn’t give a shit. He’s going to tantrum-sing his way to lasting success if he has to put our eyes out with that thing. I know I’ve thrown my vote in for him recently because I’d like to watch Idol have to navigate their way through the gay thing, but he’s already going to do that for himself too. You know he is.

Meanwhile, the goofy teenage girl needs a machine behind her to push her through. And Idol can be an effective machine. Because the music industry doesn’t want a goofy teenage girl. They want a sexpot. Failing that they want a novelty left-fielder like Susan Boyle. (I know, second mention in as many weeks. You’d think I was on her street team.) But in general they’d like her to be, in Simon Cowell’s ugly words, “More likeable.” Translation: taller, skinnier, a shade lighter raspberry Kool-Aid with the hair, less willing to participate in a staged sploshing exhibition with four guys and a cake where she winds up with chocolate batter all over her face and more willing to show off the tits. If you believe in votes, then give her yours. If she wins and winds up getting dropped from the label two years later then at least we’ll all have tried. And she can go play Rizzo opposite Hicks.

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > Disco night on AI: Not for the weak

Tags: Popnography
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