American Idol: Smaller, Shorter and Cut

4.16.2009

By Noah Michelson

Adam
What he sang: “Born to Be Wild” from Easy Rider
He is fully out of his gourd by this point and I’m all for it. I gave a few moments thought to seeing if I could phonetically spell out the final note he sang. It was like a very casually tossed off, nearly 45-second-long fire engine siren careening down the street, but I remembered my promise to be brief. So I’m not going to.
What he should have sung: The part from Moulin Rouge! where there’s “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “Diamond Dogs” and like seven other songs happening at once all layered on top of each other. Because I now believe him to be a warlock, I think that Mr. Lambert could conjure several versions of himself to complete this task in a one-man-chorus moment.

Matt
What he sang: “Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman” from Don Juan DeMarco
He says that this is one of the most beautiful songs he’s ever heard. The only explanation for this is that Matt has not heard many other songs.
What he should have sung: One of Jamie Foxx’s songs from Dreamgirls. You remember all of those, right? Oh, you don’t? Neither do I. And that’s how I feel about Matt, too.

Danny
What he sang: “Endless Love” from Endless Love
Look, as long as he’s not bumping and grinding or pulling wacky faces then I’m happy. I’m not on the Gokey Hate-Wagon like most cynical internetters. Raspy-voiced guys are fine by me and this week he didn’t sound like he was in need of some Dulcolax to get through the song. And you know he’s thinking about his dead wife when he sings it, which is still moving to me. Call me a sucker.
What he should have sung: “Moon River” from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. No reason. I just like “Moon River.”

Kris (pictured above)
What he sang: “Falling Slowly” from Once
Kris is the only person on this show that I feel as though I can listen to and relax when he sings. Like I don’t have to worry that he’s going to fuck it up. He never does. This guy is totally winning me over every passing week. And I’m one of those weirdos who talks out of the side of his mouth (some of us just do, don’t ask me why) so I empathize with his odd facial contortions.
What he sound have sung: “Uncle Fucker” from the South Park movie. It’d be like some comforting James Taylor song if he did it, you know?

Lil
What she sang: “The Rose” from The Rose
I am so heartbroken over the increasing weekly frustration I feel when Lil sings that I’m just done worrying about it. In my mind I’m thinking, “Okay this week she’s going to magically turn into Fantasia Barrino or Melinda Doolittle.” And then that doesn’t happen. And I want that so badly for her that I’m actually feeling some physical sympathy pain. Stop not being Fantasia or Melinda!
What she should have sung: [Insert whatever song title you, the reader, would like to hear. I’ve given up.]

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > Can't get AI out of our heads

Tags: Popnography
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