American Idol: It's just so-so Megan

4.2.2009

By Noah Michelson

4.    Adam Lambert has returned to squealy form. Suddenly I’m a fan. I can’t explain it. I just am. I figure if he were fronting Iron Maiden I’d have no problem with him at all, so to harsh on him for any other reason is hypocritical. I now want him to win just so American Idol has to deal with him permanently. But he won’t. I am of the firm conviction that all post-Taylor Hicks seasons are thoroughly mechanized and vote-rigged. I have no proof. No evidence. But, like whatserface said in that movie about that priest that molested that kid, “I have my certainty.”

5.    Lil Rounds sang Celine Dion’s "Surrender." I was rooting for her because I love Lil. But here’s the thing. There was this other girl this one time in a past season who also sang that song while she had the flu and no voice and seemed nearly dead on her feet. And her name was Kelly Clarkson. And she knocked it out of the park in a way that, should you go to YouTube and look at the clip, will still send shivers down your spine. So Lil, maybe you need to spend a little more time online doing your internet research and a little less time tending to your insanely adorable children. Better yet, just buy that littlest one a present because her awwwww-inspiring Randy-hugging totally saved your ass this week.

6.    I’m still waiting for some gay to explain Lady GaGa (above) to me in a way that makes sense. I mean, in the abstract I get her. And the zipper over the left eye and the Lucite piano full of soap bubbles was totally rad. I also enjoyed her outfit that made her seem like she should be one of the BIM people in that amazing movie The Apple. And she has a lot of energy and what appears to be a maniacal desire to be household name famous. I honestly hadn’t listened to her music until the results episode, so this was my introduction. Her weird, disjointed “Pokerface” song was appealing to me because I’m a fan of weird and disjointed things. But I’m not fully on her team yet. Don’t hate me for this, gays. Help me to understand.

7.    Jason Castro (or, as my friend Xtreem Aaron -- yes, that’s his actual name -- calls him, “What would happen if Predator had a teenage daughter?”) was sitting in the audience on results night next to recent discard Alexis. What did they talk about? How to spend your post-Idol career sitting in the audience at Idol tapings? Get to work! Both of you!

8.    The idols spent part of the results show entertaining the audience with impersonations of each other. Points to all of them for not taking the easy road of an Adam or Scott imitation. Gokey seems a popular raspy target. And why not?

9.    And finally Megan. She spent all her camera time acting like a total spaz and not enough off-camera time learning to harness her totally and delightfully spazzy voice. Because seriously? Weirdest and most unique singer of the season and absolutely not in control of the freaky gift she’s been given. Go away for awhile Lady Caw-Caw, get a voice coach who gets you, download the entire Blossom Dearie and Nina Simone song catalogs, and figure out how to use what you’ve got to get what you want. 

-- DAVE WHITE

Previously > Straightening up Adam Lambert

Tags: Popnography
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