American Idol's Lucky 13
By Noah Michelson
5. Alexis Grace -- She’s got a big voice but the Kelly Clarkson comparisons that the judges are throwing at her are totally unfounded. I know this because I’ve already heard the new Kelly album and it’s as though every single song were designed to be as huge as “Since U Been Gone.” Dang, I love Kelly Clarkson. Oh, sorry, yeah, Alexis is fine too.
6. Allison Iraheta -- I got taken to task last week for not realizing that Allison is Hispanic. That’s totally my fault for not paying attention to her last name. I did the same thing when I met my husband. I was like, “Nice dark hair. Maybe Italian? Who knows.” Then out he comes with the Spanish, vowel-intensive surname and it all clicked. I can be slow. Anyway, Allison is adorable and knows how to work the stage, which is weird since she’s only about 12 years old and probably lying about her age.
7. Megan Joy -- Wasn’t her last name Corkrey or something not five minutes ago? Who cares. She’s the one I’ve liked from the beginning, the one who sounds like an indie Blossom Dearie singing for The Bird and The Bee. And she’s got one arm full of tattoos which reminds me of Carly Smithson so I’m sure that has something to do with how much I like her. Carly was great.
8. Adam Lambert -- Wow, they found pictures of him on the internet kissing another guy. Who’s surprised by this? Raise your hand. Come on. Anyone. But what’s going to be possibly awesome about Adam is that he may wind up being the first openly gay Idol contestant to get into the top 10 and get away with defying what are (I’m guessing) the show’s probable orders to keep quiet about it. He doesn’t seem like the kind of guy to lie or get all coy about his sexuality. That hair alone speaks when words won’t. Just because I hate his bombastic howl of a singing voice doesn’t mean I’m not rooting for this to happen. If Richard Hatch can sweep Survivor then this gothy-gay can go all the way too, right?
9. Scott Macintyre -- Is there something going on I don’t get? Because he’s just not that great a singer. It can’t be because he’s vision-impaired, can it? They wouldn’t be that exploitation-y would they? Right? I’m right, right?
10. Jasmine Murray -- She’s so staggeringly cute that I still love her even though she sang that Mulan song for her wild card moment. But seriously, kids, knock off the Disney shit for ten seconds, okay?
11. Jorge Nuñez -- This is how you justify auditions in Puerto Rico
and not feel obligated to let Tatiana through. He’s a good singer, too,
and I have a feeling he’s going to go pretty far. But one question:
what is up with this guy’s eyebrows? Do eyebrows normally arrive in
that shape naturally? Is this a plucking situation? Does Idol have a
brow consultant in the makeup room? Is it the same person who draped
Matt in that scarf?
12. Lil Rounds (pictured above) -- Better than all of them. Will win if there’s any balance left to the universe. The show could stop right now and they could just crown her and I’d be okay with that.
13. Michael Sarver -- How far will the bear vote go? Let’s find out.
-- DAVE WHITE
Previously > We can't get no satisfaction from American Idol