In honor of Friday the 13th: Five relationship destroying films

2.13.2009

By Noah Michelson

Mr. Wrong

This movie has Ellen Degeneres playing straight in a rom com with Bill Pullman -- dressed as a clown. On stilts. What more do you need? Just reading the back of the DVD box should be enough to scare your date away. Because for all the pain a break up brings, it’s nothing compared to sitting through Ellen bumbling and mugging her way through a clunky script centered around dodging men. It’s even more awkward than you’re imagining.

Seven

This classic thriller (three Oscar winners, plus Brad Pitt and David Fincher!) has been lucky enough to avoid being undermined by a lazy, cash-in sequel (I guess it wouldn’t be as disturbing if someone killed via the 7 Heavenly Virtues?). But all you need is the dreary darkness of this original, and if your date isn’t pummeled into oblivion by the stark despair of the story, you can always look over, squeeze his hand and say, “You know, doll, it think YOUR head in a box would be kinda cute.”

A Clockwork Orange

If you tell most gay guys you want to get some of the boys together for a night of the old in-out, in-out, they’ll be on all fours before you’ve finished speaking. But once they realize you’re talking about emulating Malcolm McDowell’s brutal sex and violence spree in this Kubrick classic, chances are you and your droogs will be free again.

-- HARKER JONES

Previously > We see dead queer subtext everywhere

Tags: Popnography
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