How to Get Marc Jacobs to Name a Bag After You
By Nick Burns
1. Become his favorite runway model of the moment, a la Jessica Stam.
2. Date Jude Law and become the English poster child of Boho Chic, like Sienna Miller.
3. Change your name to Rihanna and sing about Umbrellas.
4. Be an 80s pop-punk icon like Debbie Harry or Siouxsie Sioux
5. Earn a grammy nomination for your maybe-queer pop music and curly mop of hair, like the is-he-or-isn't-he Mika.
6. Take a page from Selma Blair and star in a John Waters film as a character with a cup size of 88HHH
7. Ride on the coattails of your Coppola family name and create Academy Award winning indie films.
8. Pull a Giselle and date Leonardo Dicaprio—then dump him for football hottie Tom Brady.
9. Date a drug-addled musician and get snapped doing lines of white powdery substances, think Kate Moss.
10. Create a scary/obsessive fan video on YouTube praising Marc Jacobs and boyfriend Jason Preston while dressing in clothes that resemble pieces from Marc's past women's collections for Louis Vuitton and Marc Jacobs labels—then blog the hell out of it—like Bryan "I'm so gay I sweat Glitter" Boy.
What about Jason Preston? The guy tattooed Marc Jacobs on his arm. Doesn't he get a bag named after him?